A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering what's going on with my friends? 3 of my close friends have all of them been less than friendly lately, in each their own way. And I'm wondering if Im making a mountain out of a mole hill, or if I should speak to them about it? All of them I've been friends with for close to a decade, we're not a group of friends, I know each one separately and they know of each other but aren't close with each other. 1:The one girl, she's overall a lovely person, but she asks for my help with things and never returns the favour. I've helped her move apartments 3 times, including putting together furniture and taking things in and out of boxes and cleaning the entire apartment before and after the move. After I helped her last time she was even reluctant to drive me home as it'd be too much of a bother for her! This last week she stepped on my nerves again when she wanted to be driven to the airport, and close to expected I'd do it. She did thank me when I said ok, but when I got to pick her up she had another person with her who was also going, who she didn't mention to me at all beforehand. Which was important, as I had the car full of people already and there wasn't any room, so we had to sit on top of each other. She didn't even think it was normal to let me know beforehand. She was also late. Yet if I'm 5 minutes late for a meeting with her she calls me up being annoyed at why Im late. She asks to borrow my clothes as well, which I've now started to resent as she never lets me loan anything from her. I like to be a nice person and share, but it should be a two way street, right? Last time she didn't even ask to borrow my shorts when we were on vacation together, she just went to my suitcase and got them whenever she pleased, along with a purse I just bought. I just walked in on her using it without even asking. I bit my tongue. I didn't want to ruin the vacation or start an argument. But should I have said something?2: This girl used to be outgoing and fun to be around, then she got together with her boyfriend of now 3 or 4 years, and she stopped being social. It's the boyfriend who is controlling and wont let her go out and meet friends (especially if I happen to be single at the time). So I've put her retreat from the social life on to the boyfriend. However, not too long ago we agreed to meet up. We were to go to a lecture together, she gave me the time, and I showed up only to find out she wasn't there, and she had given me the wrong time and I was over an hour late for the lecture! I called her and she was out and about somewhere else... She said she knew about the times being different from what she told me, but for no particular reason she hadn't bothered to inform me of it! She hadn't even bothered to show up herself! She said something else came up so she couldn't make it. Ok, fair enough, but you should give notice right?Recently I've been sending her messages asking to meet up again, or just texts or messages on facebook, and she hasn't responded. Is it rude? Or what is going on here? The last message I sent her was 3 weeks ago, still no word from her, and I know she's been on facebook during these 3 weeks, she's been updating her profile. 3: One of my few guy friends. He's been a bit of a clueless and forgetful person the entire friendship, and I've told him as well, and he keeps making promises to change. However I don't think he does. He forgets about agreements we've made. Last time (over a week ago) he asked me if I wanted to go to a movie premiere with him and some friends, and I agreed, just needed him to tell me what time the movie would be. He said he'd let me know. But I just went to check and the premiere is tonight and I haven't heard a word from him. I saw him three days ago and he didn't mention it. He didn't respond to the message I sent him two days ago either, where I congratulated him on his birthday (I was away on the day itself) and asked him how it went. I don't know what to think, Im feeling ditched three times over here. I feel like calling my guy friend up and bitch to him about why he didn't tell me the movie was tonight and now of course it's too late for me to join anyways. But that'd just ruin his evening. So, should I bite my tongue yet again? I wouldn't call him now and ruin his evening with his friends (whom he somehow remembers, he just keeps forgetting about me!). But next time we talk, do I act like nothing is wrong at all even though Im pissed? How exactly do you talk to people about these things, if you at all can talk to them about it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question* why he hadn't returned my call (I gave him a call the day before which he said he'd call me back, but didn't).
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answers. I called the guy after all to ask why he hadn't told me the movie was when it was, and why he'd gone without me. He said he thought I had said I didn't want to go (doesn't remember what I said then), and when I asked why he didn't reply to the text I sent him he asked "what text" (clearly doesn't remember that text either" and when I asked why he hadn't returned by call he said... surprise surprise, that he had forgotten about it and only remembered it at 2am and didn't want to call and wake me up at that hour.
He said he's sorry several times and asked if I could forgive him. But, I don't know, as this isn't the first time it's happened (he also notoriously shows up late for appointments, last time he was 2 hours late). All his other friends appear to accept this and don't mind him showing up hours late, or not at all, or that he never calls them or barely replies to texts. If that is the case, he told me he is the same with all his others friends, and not just towards me.
I don't know if thats true? If he's like this with all his other friends I am surprised he has friends at all. I've stuck with it for years because I care for him, I don't have much family of my own to go to for support when things get bad, so these 3 friends, including one or two others, are sort of the family I have. And being that my real family is unreliable to an even worse degree I've just put up with it I guess. Not been expecting anything better. This guy friend for example invited me to spend Christmas with his family, since I often can't spend it with my own (troubled family relations).
So, he's been there for me, but its always me who needs to contact him, and it hurts when he forgets about me. I don't think I mean much to him when he can just forget about me like that, but I don't understand him. Last time I talked to him about him never contacting me was 6 months ago... He had then not contacted me for a full 6 months, and I was ready to throw away the friendship after being ignored for a full 6 months. After these 6 months I contacted him (first again as always) and gave him a piece of my mind. He claimed that I had said I would contact him and that he was just waiting for me to contact him? So for 6 months he didn't think to pick up the phone and see how I was doing....
I've known him for years like I said, and during those 6 months I deliberately sat and waited with contacting him, to see how long it would go, if he'd actually contact me first for once... Because as I remember it, he had said HE would contact me. And he never did.
So I told him again that he's walking a fine line now between being a friend and an associate, and Im thinking to do as you said and just cut him out completely, no matter how much he means to me. I obviously am disposable to him.
As for my other two friends, I'll stop doing favours for the "princess". I'm just turning bitter by the lack of gratitude when I do her favours and the way she expects me to be ok with having everything done her way. She asked me here the other day if I could buy her coffee, while she was at work! Meaning I'd have to go to her workplace (not nearby) and buy her coffee, and she'd just pay me back later (so I'd have to bring the money for it too!". I'm too kind, because I actually did it and walked for 30 minutes to and from her workplace and got her the coffee. Didn't bring money, and she went "but I told you you had to bring money", but she found out she could afford it after all.
Why on earth do I do these things when she never ever helps me out or does any favours, or just acts bothered and annoyed if I ask her the simplest things. So I will stop.
Thank you for the back-up, it has been helpful to hear that I'm not being a bad friend, but being taken for granted and walked over.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (12 July 2011):
Hi there. You have to stop accepting crap and start demanding more for yourself.
All of these people are simply taking advantage of you and your generous, kind nature. And it just isn't right.
You would never do that to them, so don't accept it from them either - or anyone for that matter!
You deserve better than that.
Don't bother trying to contact this male friend anymore, he's not worth it either. In fact, don't make plans with him again, because he'll do the same thing to you all over again next time, and the next and the next. You can bet on it.
And as for this friend you are always helping out with moving house, a lift to the airport etc., my suggestion is to NOT offer help to her at all in future.
And if she asks you could you do something for her, simply say to her - "I'm sorry I can't, I'm busy." Even if you aren't busy, just say to her that you are. And if she asks why not, just say - "I'm busy, that's all" - and don't give any details.
When you do this a few times, she will start to get the picture that people are avoiding her, and begin to wonder why that is.
And for goodness sake, be aware if she turns on the tears. People often do this to control others and very often it works! What happens is they cry to make others feel sorry for them and their predicament, and these people get what they want, as a result. That's how it works. That's how they control others. To meet their own needs, and nothing more.
She needs to understand that other people aren't on this earth just to be there at her beck and call and drop everything else they might be doing. That's completely unrealistic and very selfish as well, to expect that.
It's always nice to help people when you can, but in your situation here, it's really only a one-way street, isn't it? It's only you whose always doing the helping out, but she doesn't return the favour. Apparently, she doesn't even consider it for a split second. Or, if she does, it's more of a token gesture but nothing more. Nothing sincere anyway.
Even if she does have a boyfriend who is possessive and controlling, she still has the free will to want to help out her friends if they need her help. But it seems clear to me, that she has no desire to help. She only wants what she wants. It's all about her.
You can't blame that on the boyfriend.
You don't need a friend like that. She's using you and abusing you, and cares about no-one but herself. It's glaringly obvious.
She's also taking it for granted that you will never say no to helping her out whenever she needs it. She knows that you will always automatically say "Yes".
But this has to stop - you have to start saying no.
Don't bother saying anything to her or the male friend about what they do - just leave it.
Why I say not to mention it, is because even if you did, it probably wouldn't make any difference, because all they would do is make some weak excuses about why they did whatever it was that they did, in the hope that you'd probably understand and forgive them and start doing things for them once again. Then if that did happen, you'd be back to where you are right now - being used by them and taken for granted.
Expect only the best from life for yourself, and accept nothing less. No exceptions.
Don't ever let anyone in this world mistreat you or take you for granted. You do deserve much better than that.
And you have to believe in yourself and that you do deserve the best.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (12 July 2011):
 these three are not what i would call true friends. you have done your best for them and they don't seem to be meeting you anywhere near halfway. you can tell them what they have done that has upset you, but i suspect it won't change anything. ask your self do you really NEED these people in your life? maybe you can catch up with them occassionally and get a bit of social time out of it, but i wouldn't rely on them for close meaningful friendship if i were you.
don't expect too much of them and you won't be disappointed. but yes i would definitely say something to them. you don't get any better thought of by people if you are too soft and lovely, unfortunately you just get walked all over
x
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