A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, I need your input..Im not very good at spotting deception. I started seeing this girl, started out real good but then got a little rocky..we broke up, a couple days latter we talked and hashed out our problem..during the conversation, which started out as a talk about remaining friends (the conversation was through text) we talked about our relationship, came to an understanding about what had cuased the break up and ironed out the problems (the conversation lasted about 3 hours) before saying good night she asked me "so where does that leave us? where are we?" and I replied "well we just go forward from here and keep in mind that we are friends above all else first, no matter what happens" Ok, I thought we were going back out..dating again. the next day (friday) she tells me she is going out with some of her girlfriends, ok no problem, So I go to work and we text eachother like allways, infrequently because im at work. 8:30pm rolls around we text back and forth a couple times..then i send her a text about a important job opportunity thats becoming available for me, and she replies back "Yay" and thats the last i heard of her till about 1:00am. At that moment i couldnt hold back any longer and texted her asking "whats going on?" and so forth (she is at the bar) after hearing me out she replies that she didnt realize we were going out? she thought we were just friends! but supposebly she has very strong feelings for me..agrees we are going out..leaves the bar and goes home, talking to me on and off the whole time.Big misunderstanding right? here are the facts.1. wasnt a bar, was a car show/street dance2. said she never got back in touch with me after that last text because the people she was with stole her phone..3. Turns out her girlfriend met her at the dance along with her boyfriend and another male friend they were trying to set her up with.Over the next couple days through talking periodicaly there are descrepencies in her story.1. she first said she was thinking about me the whole time and realy couldnt enjoy herself..she might have had 2 drinks...later she says "she drank a whole lot that night" I asked her about the descrepencie and she replied "what i meant was two drinks are alot for me"2. She first told me that she was going out with her girlfriends, later she said that she was going on her own to the car show/dance cause she likes cars and that her girlfriend invited herself along w/her boyfriend and met her down there..the guy they brought along to set her up with was a suprise..she said she had no idea they were bringing him.3. at first it was just her, her girlfriend and the potencial new love interest at the dance, later she mentions she was with a group of her friends.So she says she loves me and that she had an absolutely horrible time cause her mind was on me the whole night, she wasnt interested in the guy her friend brought along..she said she was tired and just wanted to go home..but couldnt because her friend was her ride and they wouldnt leave.So am i just being paranoid or is there something wrong with this picture? if she actualy didnt think me and her were dating then she realy didnt do anything wrong by being there on a double date. but why all the "changing her story" the small details are always changing.She said "I told you what happened didnt I? I told you about the other guy..i didnt have to tell you! but i have nothing to hide"Maybe I have an overactive imagination....your oppinion would be appreciated.Thanks.
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at work, broke up, period, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): If it really bothers you that much - just ask her outright -if it is her still bringing it up then she wants to get something off her chest for some reason or feels she has to explain herself.
For 2 grown adults there seems to be a total lack of mature communication here. Its her you need to speak to, to clarify where you stand etc Not via text messages, but face to face.
She had a night out with friends,got drunk and now it seems its an ongoing drama..
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (8 September 2011):
 A few more thoughts.
She was drinking. (That would most definetly explain the change in facts/confusion/etc)
And, did the two of you make it clear you were EXCLUSIVE?
I still think you are focused on the wrong things. Communication seems to be a big problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood answers, I agree with what you have said. I do understand that if she believed we were friends she was free and clear to be doing what ever she wanted and I dont have any grounds on which to be upset..Im fine with that. My issue stems from the fact that later that same night we did clarify that we were a couple..exclusive to eachother, I never asked her for details once about that night ever..she voluntered them. It just bothers me that the more she talked about that night the more the story would change..I feel like im not getting the whole story or an accurate account of what happened..let me re-state..I did not Interogate her or ask her questions..she kept bringing it up...I chalked the whole exsperience up to mis-communication. I just dont care for being lied too eather straight out or through omitance whether your my girlfriend or just a friend.I have no reason to not trust her or right for that matter concerning the curcumstances involved..but why all the back peddling and inconsistancies in a story that i never asked to hear or know about in the first place?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (7 September 2011):
I am focused on this statement you made:
before saying good night she asked me "so where does that leave us? where are we?" and I replied "well we just go forward from here and keep in mind that we are friends above all else first, no matter what happens"
She asked you for a declaration of the relationship. You did not clearly say/ask if you were still dating to her. You stated you would be friends no matter what.
So, she may have heard that the two of you were in the friends zone. Which makes her a free agent to date whomever she wanted to.
Her freinds may have set her up with a guy to just even things out at the event venue. No harm in that. It does not mean she was on an official date and she just went along with the plans.
I think you are focusing too much on the minutae on her end, instead of having some clear communication with her.
If you want to continue dating her, take the intitiative and ask her out on a proper date!
If you want to date her exclusively-tell her that you want to only date each other.
Unless you are both in a committed dating relationship-she is free to date whomever she likes, casual or not, and she owes you no details.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Well to be honest if I was out with friends on a night out I wouldn't be texting any man, b/f or not. I would be having a laugh and enjoying my friends company - my fone would be in my bag, untouched except to maybe ring for a cab.
Now your g/f or friend - she was was texting you even though she thought you were just mates not dating. So she was thinking of you and acting on it by communicating. Yes there are discrepencies in her account of the night but to be fair it sounds like you interrogated her and nobody likes that.
Maybe she did have something to hide maybe not... if you aren't/weren't dating anyway it doesn't matter
Think you need to sort out once and for all what your status is with each other
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): I can't see how you talked for 3 hours and still didn't reach a clear understanding. At your age, things should be more black and white, either you are a couple or you are friends. She sounds like she's keeping her options open. What a ridiculous way to carry on... you don't trust her and it's all causing you a lot of stress and confusion. Wouldn't you be better off with someone else.?
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