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Should I tell my ex that I am pregnant with his child?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Family, Pregnancy, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 November 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 11 November 2017)
A female South Africa age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hello. I don't know how to say this but I recently found out that I am pregnant with my ex's child. He is 34 and I am 21 turning 22 January. While we were dating he told me he doesn't mind having kids. We dated for 6 months until we started arguing then one five days ago he broke up with me over the phone. I can say he is a controlling person he is very caring but the problem comes when he tries to control me. I hate that and for that I agreed with him when he said we should break up for GOOD. Now I am confused, I can't focus in school and my father is going to be disappointed if he finds out I am pregnant. He might get a heart attack. All my life I have been mistreated by people at school and at home. I never had a time to have an elderly person direct me in life I had to learn how to fight for myself. Now I don't know if I should tell my ex that I am pregnant or just do abortion since it is still early stages. I might be a week pregnant since doctor said three weeks and they say pregnancy test calculates pregnancy from the last day of menstruation. I loved my ex very much even if our relationship was difficult because we are both strong personalities so we clash a lot and sometimes someone doesn't understand. I'm confused right now. Nobody knows I'm pregnant so I just need you to help me think please. I am a student and have not been able to focus since we broke up. I am still hurt by the break up because I thought we can fix things but he doesn't see it that way.

View related questions: abortion, broke up, my ex, pregnancy test

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A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (11 November 2017):

Dionee' agony auntHey there OP. Coming from someone your age, you definitely have to tell this guy about his child or you will always feel guilty about not telling him. I think that that is the first step to dealing with your pregnancy.

Next, you need to decide what YOU would like to do. You cannot listen to anybodies opinion on what you should do because it´s a decision that both you and the father of this child would have to make together.

With that being said, both having and abortion or keeping the child will greatly affect your life and/or your future so you should really think long and hard about this. I wouldn´t advise that you make any quick decisions as you may end up making a decision that isn´t necessarily right for you.

You should at least confide in someone that you trust about this pregnancy and you should also try your very best to keep healthy while you make up your mind in case you ultimately decide to keep the baby.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (10 November 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntPlease do not listen to the advice people are giving you about getting rid off your unborn baby. That is not there decision to make it is yours and should not be influenced by anyone's personal preference.

Now I think that your ex boyfriend has a right to know that you are pregnant because that baby is as much a part off him as it is you. It is you choice weather you want an abortion or not but you still should be honest with him.

Also if he is controlling then I don't think it is for the best that you and him would work out. It sounds like you both together is toxic. Also please don't worry about your Dad having a heart attack you are an adult, and adults do fall pregnant. It is not healthy to keep this to yourself. Good luck with what you decide.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (9 November 2017):

femmenoir agony auntYou have a few serious issues to contend with here and as you're pregnant, any excess stress carried isn't good for you or your baby.

You should tell your ex that you are pregnant, as it's his child too and i'm sure, despite his shortcomings, he'd want to know.

YOU are carrying the baby and YOU know that your relationship isn't healthy with your ex, so YOU really need to sit down with pen and paper and write down all the pros and cons regarding your relationship and having a baby and what your life will be like, especially if the father isn't around to help you take care of your child.

Will you be able to cope financially and emotionally?

Do you want to continue with your studies at some point?

Do you have plans and dreams laid out for your future and do you see yourself raising your child as a single Mother?

(You may end up having to do this)

Do you think/feel that having a baby now is the wrong time in life and will it place restrictions upon you as a younger woman?

You need to think seriously about today and tomorrow, because in less than 3 mths time, your uterus will start to grow and those around you will see that you're pregnant.

Also and importantly, if you decide to go ahead with an abortion, then it'll be much safer to do that early on, because the risks double and triple as the foetus grows, not to mention the emotional impact that the entire process would have on you.

You're afraid of what your Father will say when he finds out and you're scared, so this is something you really need to sort out as soon as possible.

I will not encourage you to abort your unborn baby, nor keep it, because this decision must be YOURS alone.

What i can tell you is, that when i was 21, i fell pregnant to my then bf, with my only son.

At the time, he said he wanted a baby with me and that he loved me, but when i did actually fall pregnant, he couldn't handle it, said he was too young and that he wasn't ready to be a dad, plus he had to complete his studies, so he offered to pay me to have an abortion.

I declined that offer and told him that i'd be fine without him and that i wasn't going to have an abortion and would be quite happy to have our child as a single Mum, which i did.

The funny thing is, during my pregnancy, he was always there and he was quite supportive, considering he didn't want our child to begin with.

He was at our son's birth and he fell in love with our son immediately and has been a very good dad ever since.

Today, our son is 25 years old and doing very well.

He's the love and the light of my life and i love him with every fibre of my being.

Had i not made that decision to keep our baby, today i wouldn't have my amazing and beautiful son in my life.

Any decision you make regarding your pregnancy, let it be solely YOUR DECISION.

You should tell your dad, your parents, because they will eventually find out anyway and being your parents, they'd definitely want to know.

I think once you tell your ex, you'll then know exactly where you stand and then you can make more concrete and precise decisions.

If you and your ex decide to remain together, if not for your sakes, but for the sake of your unborn baby, i would strongly suggest that you both have some couples counselling together, as your ex's controlling behaviour is not acceptable and imagine how bad that will be once your baby is here.

Children shouldn't be regularly subjected to parental arguments, violence, aggression.

It's wrong and it's not fair on them, not to mention how much they'll be adversely affected whilst they're growing up within that unhealthy environment.

Good luck, be strong and be focused.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017):

I don't think you're ready to have this baby and it was reckless to risk it with a new relationship.

You're better off without this man but, of you keep the baby, he MUST help pay. Do not try to get back with him.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017):

Sweety save yoself the drama heartache and all thats gona come with the pregnancy, give yoself a clean slate and abort that baby. I know it sounds harsh but hey find new love or better yet heal for a while. Move on, bringing him back is jst not gonna work. This is how it will play out, u tel him he comes back for a few months, the baby os born and he jumps ship

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017):

Yes you must let him know as that child is part of him as much as is part of you.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (9 November 2017):

chigirl agony auntI think you should tell him. So that he knows. So that he might learn from this as well, same as you have to learn to be more careful.

But even if you tell him, that doesn't mean you should return to a relationship with him. It sounds like for the best that you and him are not a couple.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2017):

I think you should tell him but before you do, decide what you are going to do about the child. Abortions are a personal decision that in my opinion shouldn't be influenced by anyone else. You seem intelligent enough to weigh up both sides of the coin and decide from there.

I had an abortion at 20 (horrible experience), I'm 26 now and I don't regret it although I am deeply saddened by it. I will never have another abortion EVER.

What helped me make the decision was thinking about the best/worst case scenario of keeping/terminating the pregnancy and thinking about how each scenario will affect my life.

It's a very difficult decision to make and I wish you the best of luck.

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