A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello.At what point do you think you should tell your boyfriend if his friend is being a little too flirty whenever he is not around but a total idoit whenever he is? My boyfriend and his friend grow up together from a very young age, literally spending almost everyday together since school age. I have always respected their friendship even if I haven't always got on with his friend. At first I thought it was jealousy that I had taken him away or that suddenly he was as available as he had been before so I let it go. Then it became more and more annoying to the point we would have blazing rows with each other in front of my boyfriend. My boyfriend always stood by me, and has fallen out with his friend whenever I have been upset.It would start with little digs, or remarks about my appearance, and then he would say to my boyfriend how much of a bitch I was or how he could do better, right in front of me. We kept our distance for a long while because it always ended up with us arguing.Anyway, last year we were at a wedding, with his friend and his girlfriend also there. His friend seemed to have calmed down since getting a girlfriend and was actually fun to be around. We drank and had a laugh. It was nice.Half way through the night do, I was a little drunk and his friend asked me for a hug. I said yes and kissed his cheek.After that things seemed to be better. We could go out as a four and enjoy spending time together. I knew how much he meant to my boyfriend and it made me feel happy that he could spend time with us both and not worry about upsetting either one of us. But lately his friend spilt from his girlfriend and has began spending a lot of time at our house. If my boyfriend is out of the room, he would make comments about how nice I look or ask about what I have been up to, you know, putting on the charm. Then it would be little touches, or hugging me when he came in. I let it go at first because it meant so much to my boyfriend that we were getting on. Then last week, just before Christmas, he tried to kiss me when I dropped off a present at his house. I pulled away and told him it would never happen and to stay away from me if that is what he wanted, but he is still coming around constantly and still saying things that isn't right.When my boyfriend is there he is completely different. He plays the joker, or act like a idoit because my boyfriend believes that his friend doesn't like me.I want to tell my boyfriend that I don't want his friend around anymore but I know how much he means to him and that they have been friends for so long. We have a two year relationship and live together, planning a future but I'm not sure if he will choose me over his friend.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2015):
 Sweetheart, if he chooses this so called friend over you, he deserves him!
But look at the past, your boyfriend has already chosen you, your boyfriend and you kept your distance from the friend until he was able to demonstrate he had changed.
Time to talk to your boyfriend, be honest, tell him you don't want his friend in your house unless the boyfriend is there, tell him why, tell him how his friend makes you feel, and tell him how scared you have been to talk to him in case he chose his friend.
Spill it all out, don't hold it in .............
After your talk if the friend does come around and your boyfriend is not home simply don't open the door. Let him know his behaviour is not acceptable or appreciated.
He sounds like a nasty piece of work so be prepared for him to try and do his worst, stand your ground, you have a right to feel comfortable and safe in your own home.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2015): This comment adds a lot of suspicion to your motives:
"We have a two year relationship and live together, planning a future but I'm not sure if he will choose me over his friend."
He doesn't have to choose. If he's a healthy heterosexual male in-love with his girlfriend, it never crosses his mind that he has to chose a guy over his woman. What the hell are you talking about?
If a guy makes an inappropriate pass at you, you cuss him out then and there. If he touches you inappropriately, you slap him. Pitting friends against each other makes you the trouble-maker.
You simply don't like the guy. You're trying to build yourself a case. You can quit pretending how noble you are for putting up with his friend.
The thing about guys is we do change with the phases in our lives. Your boyfriend is still in his early twenties; and his brotherly connection with his bff will change when he is serious about settling-down to start a family. He's still in the younger stages of his life where buddies and girlfriends all still fit easily into his life. Once he becomes serious about marriage and family-life, he will see less of his buddies; because he will change his focus. He hasn't done that yet, and if you start rushing him, you'll see our way out the door. Enough with the complaining!
I'm not picking on you. I'm telling you this for your own good. You do not...repeat... do not tell your boyfriend unless his friend is making blatant passes at you. You have not described anything in your post that warrants tattling.
I have my doubts about him trying to kiss you. I think it was only added to strengthen your case, and not be judged as a jealous girlfriend; which I highly believe to be the case.
Your boyfriend isn't stupid. We guys are always watching our buddies out of our peripheral vision, when they are around our girlfriends or boyfriends. Trust me on that.
We are naturally territorial, and if we suspect foul-play or hanky-panky, we will handle it. Straightaway!
When a girlfriend becomes a bone of contention between bros, it's not a matter of choosing one over the other; it is a matter of deciding who is the most loyal and adds the most joy to his life.
Just talking about the future doesn't guarantee you anything. Most people are optimistic when they're in a good relationship. We all hope a good thing lasts. However; girlfriends come and go, and relationships have their ups and downs. The future gets a little foggy during these periods. Then being together for life could be completely wiped off the slate.
Put on your big-girl shoes and handle his friend your way.
When he's out of line, set him straight. When he's egging for a fight, tell him how adolescent he's behaving and take the high road. Ignore him. He's teasing you and picking on you just for the hell of it. Toughen up. Show him he can't shake you loose. He doesn't get to chose your boyfriend's women. He just gets to offer his unsolicited opinion; until your boyfriend decides he has had enough. Apparently he hasn't reach that point with his friend. He knows his friend is a jerk and has a dumb sense of humor. So bite the bullet.
The girlfriend that lasts the longest is the one who can handle his family, his friends, pets, and his bad habits.
Don't believe me? I challenge you to test my theory. I've got a lot of experience to backup with I say!
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