A
female
age
36-40,
*ula
writes:My landlady happens to be my neighbour too, so before Christmas I got her a nice snowflake to hang on her tree and a card...so a few days before I flew home, she invited me along with other expats to a lunch Christmas party...then after Christmas I got her tea because I went back to England and found out she likes tea... She invited me over again and I happened to be free and had the curiosity to get to know her...Now that I got to know her, I realised that I don't have much in common, age for one (she's 55 and I'm almost half her age)...and I don't really like her views on many things. She is not the type of company I like to keep to say the least. Lately, she noticed that I don't return her calls on time ( I work evenings and sleep till 11 am)...or answer her invites, I texted her that I am busy and going through a phase with loads of work, dieting etc. Today I found a letter from her asking why I don't want to hang out with her and whether she did anything wrong. I don't mean to be disrespectful, and I tried to text her apologising, each time giving her a different excuse but she refuses to take a hint. One major issue here, she sometimes mocks my religion or tries to make fun of my religious stance..we do not see eye to eye on politics either, sensitive issues like this have been arising. How do I go on telling her, since she doesn't take a hint, that I do not want to hang out with her because I have better things to do. She is my mum's age and I'd be better off hanging out with my mum, which again is not possible since I LIVE in a different continent. Would it be a good idea to tell her that I am preparing for a big exam in June? Ideas welcome, I know I sound desperate, but she seriously doesn't take a hint and watches my every move from the surveillance cameras she's installed in the entrance. Last weekend, she saw me leaving with a suitcase, so she text me inviting me for tea?! Help!
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female
reader, Tula +, writes (6 March 2014):
Tula is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks y'all! much appreciated advice and lots of tips...thanks again and in case you're all wondering, especiall NICK, I'll be moving in August when the contract ends...and will spend half of July on the coast, not long to bear with her smothering kindness. I text her back briefly and let's hope it did the trick!
peace
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Talk about panopticon!! Phew! I too would get extremely uncomfortable with this kind of invasion and intrusion. My guess is that she sees you as someone who is a good listener and she just needs an audience whom she can air her views to and seeing that you are submissive and polite, she has latched on to you. Some people are like that. Looks like she doesn't have too many friends either.
Tell her that while you appreciate her concern for you, you are extremely busy and you honestly like spending what little time you have, with friends your own age. Tell her that she hasn't done anything wrong, it’s just that you are very busy and have a lot on your hands.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 March 2014):
 Jezz, she sounds needy and overbearing to say the least. My guess is that SHE is a lonely lady for a reason.
I agree with Cindy's advice - tell her there is no need to clear the air, that you are just busy with exams, YOUR social life, work and various personal projects and that you have come to realize you don't really have time to cultivate a friendship with her. Though I really don't think you OWE her an explanation (NO explanations is needed, but it might make her back off, so worth a try. )
She won't like it and she might not stop, but that is on her.
And if she keeps spying on you and invite you for tea, you can easily text a no thanks and leave it at that. If you text long a "friendly" text explaining why you can't come over for tea she will think you still WANT some sort of friendship.
You know, in life we met a lot of people, some we click with and some we don't. No one expects you (or anyone else) to keep in touch with people YOU just don't WANT to be friendly with. Having been an ARMY wife living on a military installation I met a LOT of wives, some I clicked with but most I didn't, I made an effort to try meeting people but once I decide this isn't a situation I want to find myself in again (like I had several younger wives thinking that because I'm older then them, I wanted nothing more then to babysit their kids - I didn't. Or I wanted nothing more then take them shopping because I had a car, like I wanted to be the on-post taxi cab, I didn't.)
Finding a balance when you met new people can be a little tough, but if you just don't FEEL they are someone you WANT around you don't EVER feel obligated to do so.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Sensitive situation, I don't envy you... Some people just can't take a hint... so you have no other resort than being honest. Respectful, but clear. So far you have given her all different and time-sensitive excuses , I guess ( I am leaving... I am studying for a test... ) - change tactics and give her an universal and " forever " one. Tell her that she has not done anything wrong, and in fact you appreciate her kindness and openness in wanting to share her time with you. But you are so busy with studies, social life, and all your various personal committments that you feel you are in no position right now to cultivate new friendships and let new people into your life , and you'll have to limit yorself to the usual, civil interactions thet your business relationship warrants.
Don't expect her to be thrilled about it, but you can't make an omelette without breaking the eggs, so if your main goal is to get her off your back, -of course you have to be polite but you can't worry too much about hurting her feelings.
MAYBE you could- and it would also be honest,- adding , as the other responder advises, that you also are afraid that there are several issues about which you don't see eye to eye, so this would limit your compatibility and the chance of having a serene, pleasant business relationship as you have enjoyed so far.
But honestly I don't know if you actually should do that, it could lead to a lot of unnnecessary drama. This lady sounds lonely, maybe that would be the trigger for her to ask for " explanations " and " talking it over " and " clearing the air "... which would be superfluous since you don't want to hang out with her ANYWAY.
May I conclude with the advice of not being ageist in your choices. THIS lady is not your cup of tea, but other persons could be an enrichment to your life even if much younger or much older. It may be true that we have more in common with people in our age range, but that still allows for plenty of exceptions. One of my very best friends is a young woman who is just 3 or 4 years older than my SON, and no, I am not a mother figure for her, we are simply two WOMEN who get along, share intellectual interests, laugh about the same stuff etc.
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A
male
reader, .Nick +, writes (5 March 2014):
 Lol, in all seriousness, if possible, I'd move. The whole bit about her watching you from the surveillance.. Ehh.. gives me shivers.In any case, no, I would not recommend telling her you're studying for an exam in June. First, because it's the beginning of March, and that's barely even a thinly veiled excuse. Second because, lets assume by some miracle it does work, in June you'll just have to reinvent something again, and third it's just not a very nice thing to do.Now, I'm sure there are repercussions about this whole situation that you are fearing, what, her being your landlord and such, that I am not considering in my response, but I think the best and most plain course of action would be to tell her exactly what you told us. That, with no disrespect meant towards her, you do not see eye to eye on a wide range of topics and that her judgment of you on several of these topics does not make you feel comfortable. Due to your busy schedule, you do not have time to pursue this relationship as much as she would like. Or something to that effect.There is no shame in actually not enjoying someone's company.Also, a final tidbit, I'd return her letter in kind. That way, it saves you from any unnecessary face to face contact where she may be able to corner you, and it sends the message that if she wants to maintain any sort of relationship, the only way is going to be through letter, which allows you to reply at your own leisure.All the best to you!-Nick
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2014): Be honest tell her that you feel hurt about how she dosent see eye to eye and explain that you just dont like to hangout as much cuz of conflict. Be a man. She might even change. She will respect it as long as you make sure you dont finger point and use "I statements".
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