A
female
age
51-59,
*ust another wife
writes:History: Married 30+ yrs. Just found out he's emailing old school friends (women), adding girls (20 yr. olds!) on facebook, porn addicted, and hiding large sums of money.I got nothing for our anniversary. He gave his gift back and told me to return it. Tells me, it's my fault for finding out what he's doing (I shouldn't have looked!) and blames me for the entire fight.....Do I stay or do I go?
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anniversary, facebook, money, porn Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (20 October 2009):
 It happen twice already, I will get out there. Just get out and never look back. easy to say but hard to do maybe. but" do it, you will see the result, its nice to live with peace in mind and soul.. Good luck
A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 Sorry to hear you have endured this twice, at end of the day you do what is best for you, good luck.
Gina
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 just remember that we are for you, and we're here if you need us. Go forth and be strong and couragous...
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A
female
reader, just another wife +, writes (18 October 2009):
just another wife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks AuntieEm and Gina... truth is, I divorced him once, and remarried him because he swore to me he had changed and wouldn't do this again (porn, lying, hiding money)...stupid me hu? He says he loves me, but in the same breath tells me "maybe I don't think you have suffered enough for the pain you caused me in the last divorce." ---that alone is reason to leave in my book!! We've been down the counseling road, like I said, and after months of sessions the counselors all told me to leave him. Anon, he doesn't read books about anything but where to go on his next hike in a national park somewhere.
Thank you all for your input. I'll be getting a lawyer (again).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): Have you asked him point blank, "Do you want this to work or not?", If he does not want to put in any effort, it is definitely time to leave.
Have you ever tried separating?
Maybe instead of a counselor, will he spend some time with you reading a book about how to put the spark back in your marriage?
If you have to leave it will be very difficult but from what I hear most woman who leave marriages like yours, do end up being happier eventually.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm + ♥, writes (16 October 2009):
 excellent answer from Gina!!! and seriously when he's sitting there alone...a lonely old man who has been long forgotten by some internet floosies, he's going to remember his wife then.
You need to protect yourself from further pain both emotional and financial.
I really hope you find some peace.
Aunty Em xx
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (16 October 2009):
30 yrs together i can relate to that and finding out he is up to no good too, but why? at some point in your marriage things must have been wrong can you go back and think of a time where you both just started to take one another for granted etc?When men or women for that matter start to wander into territory that will take them from their vows something has happened.I would take a guess at the addiction to porn led him onto other things, and when that no longer did it he moved to sites where he can interact with younger women.I am shocked at professional counsellors telling you to leave him he cant change his behaviour anymore because they will usually do their utmost to try and decipher what and when everything went wrong and give you both a programme to work on at home?I think he does have to change he is in huge denial there is even anything wrong here and that is only because something has excited him, made him feel dare i say it "Young again" but he has to realise this is all fantasy land and at his age young girls are not going to take him serious unless he throws cash their way!Even then who at 20 wants to be with someone old enough to call dad?He needs a reality check i feel and if he is not prepared to work on your marriage and forget all the crap he is doing then maybe you do not have much to hope for, it really is up to the both of you to talk this over and come to the best agreement that suits you both.There is no doubt in my mind he is behaving disrespectfully towards you and i know what that feels like, he either admits he has a problem and gets it fixed or you may have to ask what is it your staying for sorry.Gina
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm + ♥, writes (16 October 2009):
Been there, done that (after 18 year marriage) I divorced him and I have never looked back.
He is vile to blame you, so little respect for so many years, how dare he!!! but the internet makes it all so easy to cheat and you, like me are part of a growing number of people who have had their relationships destroyed.
If he's hiding money, he may already be planning to leave. You need to consult a solicitor as soon as you can, or he could move all your assets into him name and you won't know what hit you.
Protect yourself, he's made it clear he isn't going to stop, so protect yourself and do it now I say.
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, just another wife +, writes (16 October 2009):
just another wife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers CaringGuy and Marriedlady! I have given him one task... find a counselor. It's been 4 weeks and still nothing. We had gone to couseling prior to this, and saw 4 different couselors over time. All of them told me pretty much the same thing...leave, he can't change his behavior anymore than he can change the color of his eyes!! He did change for a while, but now this? I just don't think I can love him anymore, he's hurt my heart so many many times it's turned to stone. I was waiting to hear this advice (from you two) from a counselor, but since he hasn't found one, maybe it's time to leave. Thanks again!!
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A
female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (16 October 2009):
oh dear, i am so sorry that you are facing this situation...you can only make this work if he is remorseful. Im sorry but marriage takes two. The choice is between you two and we just cant make the decision. Will he see a counselour? Even if he doesnt, you should. And explore you options.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (16 October 2009):
So he's hiding money, chatting to old friends, watching porn, adding 20 year olds and then has the NERVE to say it's your fault! That's the biggest admission of guilt you could ever hear. I can't tell you to leave. All I can say is don't waste yout time with a guy who treats you like this when you can find another. If you want to try to make it work, speak to him. But don't hold your breath. Good luck.
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