A
male
age
36-40,
*ionspirit
writes:Woman with 2 kids, what should I do?We're both 23 years oldI'm single and not involved in any relationship yetShe's got two kids, one from a relationship from highschool and the other just recent from a three year long relationship.This beautiful chick(mom) has been a pleasure toy; used, abused, cheated on both relationships. I do not understand how the guys who she assumed loved her did not value her at all. How she just could not leave out of all this mess and enjoy life.I'm very matured, we both like eachother. She has made a big mistake by getting pregnant on both ocasions. This makes things difficult for guys like me to get involved with her. I'm furious with her for letting all this happen to her for nothing and ruining her wonderful life at early age, such a waste.Now we'd like to go on dates, but I dont wanna get involved with no kids or intent to be a daddy...no way. I"m not at that age(I need a career first) to assume responsabilities or deal with that kind of stress. :(Her last pregancy she did it on porpuse but for what porpuse, the guy who she's been with is still cheating on her.Should I date, get involved with her, or develop any kind of relationship between us?Can I let her know or express myself how mad I'm at her?Would you help, guide me or offer me a good advice!!Thanks
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 I am in a little disagreement with Yos, though I want to be quick to say that he always hits the nail. This time, perhaps he hit a little to one side.
Sometimes you can't get to love another man's child. Loving the child is different from loving the mother. The child happens to be another person, and, it is perfectly possible that he or she won't like you, because, for starters, in his or her eyes you're taking the place of his/her father, and sleeping with mommy.
But, sometimes, you can really love another man's child as your own. Fatherhood is a little different from motherhood. As it is obvious, we don't carry children in our wombs (WE DON'T HAVE WOMBS), so for us the conception of a child is just like regular sex. Our lives are not at risk when we want to have a child. But, you become a father every day, when you make the decision to love that little person.
I have a small example. Gilbert Bécaud, the great French singer, was not born Bécaud. That wasn't even his surname, I understand. That was his stepfather's surname. The man had married or moved in with Gilbert's mother when Gilbert was a small child, and they loved each other as biological family. Gilbert CHOSE to go by his stepfather's name. Now that is nice; someone who you didn't beget loves you like you had.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (26 June 2008):
 It sounds like you want her to see her two children as 'mistakes'. Can you see how unfair and damaging that is?
It's understandable why you'd feel that way. It's very hard to feel warmth towards another man's children. The other aunts here are right: if you're not ready to take this on (and it sure sounds like you are not) then don't get involved. It's not fair on her and not fair on the kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): One of the rules of joyful living is that judging others takes a great deal of energy and pulls you away from where you want to be;
We are all individuals and it is important to honor the fact that others will do things and react different then ourselves;
I suggest you respect the fact that we are all very diffferent; when you do, the love that you feel for others; as well as the appreciation you have for your own uniqueness will increase;
Having said all of this; do no judge this lady and her children; value and respect that she is differnt to you;
I suggest you find somebody more compatible to yourself!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (26 June 2008):
 Oh dear, I am going to have to be nasty on this one.
You seem to have a rather high opinion of yourself. If the woman in question had been posting a question I would warn her away from the "guy who claims he is going to safe you" type.
You claim to be very matured[sic] yet don't behave like that at all. You need a career to support her kids? Why, is she incapable of doing that now? Lots of people manage to build a career and raise kids at the same time.
If you truly respected her you would accept her past without judging and take all of her, kids included. How does it make her feel when you think of her kids as 'mistakes'. How would it make the kids feel to be raised by someone who sees them as 'mistakes'.
My advice is that you let her go. You need to grow up and learn to accept other people for what they are and that you are not their salvation.
Leave this woman be, she doesn't need a guy like you who thinks he is mister perfect but behaves like a spoiled brat. She is in many ways far more mature then you. She has accepted the responsibilities that life handed her and become a mother at 23, you at 23 are not yet ready to be a dad. Your choice but that means you can't get involved with this woman.
She does not deserve you. (Note that this can be taken two ways)
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 June 2008):
We have a saying in Spanish: if you want the hen, you want the chicken. If you don't want any sort of responsibility regarding the children, don't get involved at all with this girl. You're just looking at her beauty and not at her whole self. Let her free to find someone who will love her and her children.
If the situation were reversed, would you get involved with someone who didn't want anything to do with your children?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): You're not ready for a girl with kids. Time to back away before you get even more attached to her and it's even harder.
Not wanting a GF with kids doesn't make you irresponsible or immature. It makes you a normal person. And a VERY normal modern 23yo guy.
But being angry at her over it is immature of you if you're gonna stay with her. Either accept her with kids or break up. You can't and shouldn't ride the middle.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 You may regard her past pregnancies as a mistake but perhaps she takes a different view - she maybe young, she may have broken relationships behind her but she may adore her children and see them as a positive outcome. I honestly don't see how you can contemplate a relationship with this girl. You don't seem interested in her life as it stands and not terribly sympathetic to her past. If she has been through a lot at a young age she may not be feeling very confident about herself. You telling her that you are angry about it isn't going to help. That is about you and how you feel, not about her and what she needs. If there is some resentment towards her now, it could only get worse if you started a relationship with her. You say that you are not interested in her children but she comes as part of a package and if you thought anything of her beyond lust then you would see that you would have to accept her for who she is. Time to walk away and find a less complicated situation.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 June 2008):
 You absolutely need to back away from this relationship. For her sake and the children's. You also should keep your trap shut about how "mad you are at her". Sounds like the last thing this young lady needs in her life is another jerk. Mature my ass.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
 If you're not ready to be in a relationship with children, you shouldn't date someone who has kids.
Let me tell you something, through a parents point of view. My kids came in a time of my life where I wasn't quite ready. I adjusted my plans and raised them. I'm a single parent. All though, everything in life was not planned. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. If I could go back and change decisions in my life, having them would not be one I'd change.
Why do you see her life as being ruined? If you see children as destrying life and not enhancing it, you shouldn't consider being with someone who has children.
Also, how can you be made at her for her decisions. If she understands some of her choices weren't the best, the last thing she needs is for you too remind her of that.
If you choose to be with her. The kids are part of that package. That's not going to change. It's not something you can have one day and not the next.
Make your choice wisely. By choosing to be with her, the kids will be affected as well. Make sure you don't get into someone which can cause the kids any mental harm.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Do her a favour and don't get involved with her. Her life is complicated enough - she doesn't need someone like you around to sit upon high judging her, demeaning her and forever reminding her of mistakes she's likely already well aware of. Find someone just like yourself: perfect and human-error free!
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