A
female
age
41-50,
*tRicki
writes:My husband (of 4 years) and I have been having marital problems. For about a year, my husband's affection towards me gradually waned until about the only time I received any was when he wanted sex. Last spring we took a trip to Italy that was supposed to be the honeymoon we never got to take, in the hopes of reconnecting with each other. Unfortunately, we ended up fighting more than we sparked any romance. About a week after we returned from the trip, I left for a 6-wk Officer Basic Course in the Army. A week after I left he met another woman at a friend's wedding that he became infatuated with, and two weeks after that he called to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He wouldn't talk to me about it until I got home, so I spent the last half of OBC preparing myself to come home to a broken marriage and find a way to move on. When I got home, he decided his words and actions were in a moment of loneliness and that he did still love me. He asked me to forgive him for what he said, and even harder, to forget about his behavior for the past year. He promised he would change and would never make the same mistake again.We have been in counseling for several months and my husband has made many of the changes he had promised. There were many times one of us were ready to split for good, but it looks like we may have finally reached a place where we can move on and rebuild our marriage. However, in the process, I have lost just about all the attraction I used to have for him. I do anything I can to avoid any intimacy beyond a quick kiss. I go to bed hours after he does in the hopes that he will be too tired to do anything once I get there. In the rare times I do give in to sex as an attempt to keep him happy, I feel empty and I basically count the seconds until it is over. Our reconciliation is so fragile right now that I am not able to talk to him about my problem.Is this something that can return as our relationship heals? Should I force myself to show affection I don't feel with the hope it will help the feelings return? Can a marriage be sustained without healthy intimacy?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2008): Just leave. There are 3 billion, 999,000 other possibilities on this earth. Remove people who are toxic, because you continued association with them will only weaken your health and cause you to doubt yourself as a woman, as a human being. There's someone out ther for you. You just got to cut loose and move on no matter how painful it is. It's your health and it's your future. We only have a limited time on this earth.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Hi
I am sorry about everything you are going thru. its good you guys are on counsiling the problem you are unable to move on its because you are keeping all the hurt to yourself. instead of finding a solution you end up fighting maybe because you find him insensitive.
your first question: Is this something that can return as our relationship heals? it can return but it fully depends on how much you feel about saving this marriage. if u feel enthusiastic about saving this marriage somehow our minds are built such that they easily controls our emotions which means a positive outcome will be rebuilt through trust and hope for the future. let your heart and mind explore the possibilities of how marriage will be like if u forgave your husband. we both know trust is the only thing that keeps a relationship together. so learn to trust that his promises are true and see what happens. remember a small doubt in our minds destroys a lot of things and in your case all the intimacy levels that makes a relationship are all gone because of his betrayal.
second: Should I force myself to show affection I don't feel with the hope it will help the feelings return? i dont think showing affection where its not due it will help in anyway, you are still having feelings of anger towards your husband thats why you feel so much resentment towards him. to rekindle a friendship intimacy you need to forgive him and yourself because i am sure sometimes you feel like if you did this or that maybe he wouldnt have cheated, if you are angry let him have it, dont pretend everything is alright when all you want is to scream. build an open communication, start by little things like how was your day if he doesnt ask about yours tell him about yours, tell him what you think will earn him your trust back because i think it will be frustrating for him if he is trying his best to make this marriage work and yet you cant lift a finger to help him make it right. if you do try to meet him halfway and you still feel nothing for him well i think the time have arrived to call it a day. atleast you will know in your heart that you tried but the damage is just beyond repair.
Can a marriage be sustained without healthy intimacy? i am not married but i believe that uhealthy intimacy leads to unhealthy marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): Well..lets see...he only wants you for sex? And he thought he was in love with someone else? I think you'll be miserable the rest of your life if you stay with this piece of work!!! You know you can love someone with all your heart but if they don't reciprocate that love then where are you? It takes two in a relationship, both giving 150%!! When you needed his support the most, what was he doing and with whom????? You can forgive but can you forget??
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): It sounds as if honest communication is needed here - it is hard as you dont want to hurt your husbands feelings but you will both feel better and understand how to deal with your problems if you can examine more honestly with him how you both feel. I dont think you should pretend re force yourself to do anything that you do not genuinely feel. A marriage can be sustained any way each couple decides they want it to be.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): I really feel for you as I am in a similar situation. It has been going on for longer for me - I know the awful swaying of thoughts you have - one minute thinking you can make it work the next sure you can move on - it is so stressful and draining to go through these about-turns in our emotions. I am not sure if this is the best advice but at the moment I feel that as long as you are not 100% sure about what decision to make it is better to keep trying with your marriage..until there is a certainty about what you want to do. Divorce is a terribly painful process so until you are absolutely sure that is what you want it is not right to go down that path. It does sounds as if things are so miserable for you, you will eventually come to that conclusion but wait until you do. The other thought I have is that eventually something external will trigger the decision - fate will step in and steer you along the course you are meant to take. I am sure there are more constructive actions you can take but from my perspective which is similar to your experience this is the way I look at it. Our hearts will tell us when we cant take any more. I am so sorry for you as I do know how you feel.
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