A
female
age
36-40,
*ophersgirl
writes:hi! i posted this in another site and didn't realy get any help so i thought i'd try here. Okay, my hubby and I have been together for 4yrs. married for 2. We have an 8mo. old baby. In the beginning, things were pretty good, we waited about a month to have sex, waited 6mo. to say I love you. the only thing is when we fought and i would try to sit down and talk to him, he would refuse. He would say that he really doesnt care, he didnt want to talk. I would try to explain to him that it would make me feel better cuz other wise it would just keep coming up. Eventually it would escalate into a HUGE fight and he would tell me that he didnt love me or care about me, that the only person he loved was himself. I would leave for a few days and then he would call and say that he was sorry, and he didn't mean those things and we would actually talk and work things out.He proposed to me after 2yrs. of dating and shortly after that my grama sold her house.(my escape place) After that it was like when we fought, he knew i had no place to go so he didn't have to give in and talk. He would still say things like, i dont believe in love, i only love myself. But now he would never say sorry. 4mo. after he proposed, we got preggo. I started having probs. and I didn't have insurance, was denied medicaid, and his insurance would only cover the baby after it was born. So our only option was to get married. And once again we never really talked about it. He said make the arrangements and 2 days later we were married.5 mo. into the pregnancy, we miscarried. It was really hard on both of us, but I felt the one good thing that came of it was that I felt we got closer. He said he wanted to try for another baby asap. Well, 4mo. later I was preggo again. He said he was happy, but right away things really changed.He just seemed angry all the time,and he criticized everything I did and started to be really disrespectful to me and my family. We started hanging out less,and it seemed we rarely had any good days. It's been like that up until now. This guy WILL NOT TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!! He refuses to talk about his feelings, why he's acting the way he is, and he does'nt want to work on things.I threatend divorce and that did help a little, he told me that he does care about me(but still the same bout love)he told me that he does'nt want a divorce,but also that the only reason he married me was cuz he thought it was the right thing to do. So far thats as far as it's gone.I thought that maybe a separation would help, maybe he'd realize that in order to keep me and baby was to talk and work things out. he also thinks a sep. would be good, but for diff. reasons. he's be able to be selfish and not worry bout gettin nagged, and basically he could float between single life and family life when ever he wants.Like i said this is as far as i've gotten with him, you basically know everything about our marriage. I do have to say that we do have a lot in common and we do generally get along, its just that when I try to talk about anything, he turns it into, I don't care, etc. as i said above. what should i do? p.s. if anyone actually reads this whole thing and responds, you are a god sent!! Read more: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh and msg=32658.1 and ctx=0#ixzz0R9scydFRhelp so i thought i'd try here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I am wondering the same thing for awhile now. My husband is wonderful with the kids but that is as far as it goes. He says he loves me and doesn't want to loose me but will not do the very thing that I need which is help me.He gets the kids up for school, does homework with them and cooks dinner. Thats the end of his responsibilities. I do everything else. Due to financial concerns, I work 45 hours at my full time job and 16 hours at my part time job to equal 64 hours a week. His work week is 40 hours. I do all of the cleaning, laundry, dishes unless he gets his back side up to do them, grocery shopping, errands, appointments, etc. I have not watched TV in 3 months, he watches it nightly. The resentment I feel daily is toxic. We have discussed this so many times I have no desire to do it again. I feel that I would rather be single than to do this, is already pretty much like single life anyways. Things would actually probably be easier on me, I'd have 3 kids instead of 4. Yet if he wants to do something, he will stay up late or get up early, if it is something he doesn't want to do, he does not do it because he is "tired". We have no quality to our relationship, mostly I couldn't care if I am with him or not. He is plain lazy but doesn't see it as such. He says sorry, I am really trying. And I believe he truly thinks he is trying, but in my eyes, it is not enough, not if I can't see improvements. I hate that I feel this way and I despise myself for wanting out. I am opening a safety deposit box to put extra cash in so that I will have it when I need it. I need to have arrangements in place for when it is time to leave. Sorry this is no help, but it is my reality.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (15 September 2009):
 This sounds like a real communications issue going on here and maybe some anger issues which are going to have long-lasting effects.
First of all your husband has some real issues with respect to making an emotional commitment to you. That means simply he chooses to "love himself" rather than think about you and what he's doing to you.
Part of this has to do with his own anger issues which, apparently he takes out on you.
As a result he's not communicating with you, and he's disregarding and disrespecting things that matter to you, even if it hurts you.
Someone like this is going to be very difficult to deal with over time. He's being domineering and hard to get to, emotionally.
Partly his issue is he's being self-absorbed and that's not good for you over time.
More to the point, however, is that you have a baby with him and now the child is going to be caught up in this situation as well.
About the only thing you can do, if its possible is try marriage counseling. With any luck someone may be able to get through to him and open him up enough so you can see what's really going on inside him and fix this issue with him.
Absent that, if he can't try and consider you and the child, and someone else's well-being other than his own, then its possible a divorce may simply end it and you two can move on and raise your child without the animosity.
Second, I think the real problem here is going to be that if you stay together over time and the child is raised in an environment where your opinions and decisions don't count; where you're not being respected, then the ultimate outcome is that you're child will always treat you badly.
Children learn behavior like this from their parents. So if you tolerate this, your child will eventually learn to treat you badly too and assume that its normal which it isn't.
All of this is a matter of what you want for your future together so its important to consider all of these other factors, aside from his bull-headedness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 September 2009):
 IF you use divorce as a threat yet don't do anything about it, it is just that.. a threat.. words.
I have no idea why this guy don't want to sit down and talk or even be a family. After all he had no problem putting a child into the world.
It does seem like a classic "I like this guy but I need to change him kind of thing" You know what I mean? It is going to be hard to think that you moving out will make him do a 180 and all of a sudden want to talk about your marriage, life, whatnot. He apperently only uses the talk to make you come back home. I think until he realizes that he HAS issues, he really won't change. No matter how much you threatened and how much you move out.
To be honest he sounds really immature and like he has some serious issues. Control issues, emotional issues. Did he have a really rotten childhood?
IF you are not happy I would suggest you stop threaten him and move out. Take some time apart and see how YOU feel. In order for you to be a good mom your child needs stability, all this fighting is not good, not for you and not for you child. He is trying to isolate you from your family, hence his disrespectful behavior towards them.
While you separate maybe you need to take the time to figure out what you want. Obviously he is not making you happy.
Good luck and chin up.
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A
male
reader, Longterm +, writes (15 September 2009):
Good marriages need space for alone time and space for together time. It's especially hard after the babies come to get these things. Insist on making that time happen on at least a weekly basis, if not a daily one.
Make sure that you are getting help with the baby and that you talk about what you need. Sometimes women in marriages won't ask for what they need, expecting men to just sort of figure it out on their own. We need help and very clear instructions. What seems common sense to you is something we'd never figure out in a million years without help.
I have never seen marriage counseling work for anybody, but it might be a good idea in this case. A good marriage counselor starts by setting rules for communication protocol, and it sounds like this might help. Or go talk to your pastor together or your parents.
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