A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This might seem like a slightly odd question relating to family and home. My daughter is now 24 and has moved far away from home for 5 years now to be at Uni. She is very happy where she is living and it looks like she will stay there maybe for good. Whilst she was growing up my life was very hard and we often had to move home, but I was always a really devoted Mum and did my best to give her the best that I could and to develop a loving and caring relationship with her. I never had financial or emotional support either from her Dad or from my own family, who were very abusive towards me and almost totally ignored my daughter. I realise now that I tried to compensate by going without a lot for myself and also that I was maybe too kind and not disciplined enough with her - not that she was ever unreasonable as we always discussed everything, but she can sometimes react badly if I try to be firm with her because she just isn't used to it and magnifies it instead.Things went a bit awry when we (reluctantly) moved in with my (now ex) partner, due to my becoming ill. I temporarily rented out our own apartment and we lived with him for 3 years until my daughter went to uni. During this time she and I still got on really well, but we were often upset at having to cope with his binge drinking and a lot of arguing between he and I. My daughter became depressed and it wasn't until she went to uni. that it all came out. Again, to try to make up for things being difficult I did things like gave her the biggest room in his flat for her bedroom, made sure she went to many after-school groups, took her on holiday and so on. Now that she has been at Uni. and seen how much other kids are given, in comparison, by both parents, she seems to feel very hard done by. I find this really hard because I know that I really struggled to give her whatever I could. She does seem to have a bit of a chip on her shoulder about being "poor"/having to pay her way by working through uni. This really saddens me.Since then, I have talked with her about how she felt let down by me when we lived with my ex - because I stayed in that situation rather than leave him as she wanted me to - and she knows that, in all other respects, I have always loved and cared for her. I am still not well healthwise as I just burned out through sheer exhaustion. I am now living back in my own flat - for a while my ex said he would give up his binge drinking and we were all set to buy a house together and live happily ever after; my daughter was really pleased about this possibility because despite all of his faults she does love my ex as a 'step Dad'. Needless to say, he did not keep his promise and I had to gently break the news to my daughter that we would not be getting a house etc. She was very upset. I have been left worrying desparately about my future and how to pay my mortgage.This might seem a slightly non-related problem, but I now can't decide whether to turn my small study into a bedroom for my daughter for whenever she returns home, which is not that often now as she is in full time work where she lives and we are both very short of money. I really want her to feel that she has her own room when she comes back to visit and/or that it is always there for her. On the other hand, I have had to go without so much whilst she was growing up that it is really nice for me to feel that I have this one room to study in. It is very small, just large enough to take either a desk OR a single bed and a chest of drawers and a couple of shelves etc. I know that I could make it very sweet for her but I also know that other people would see this as an opportunity to bag a free room for a couple of nights as I live in a very nice area.Do people think that if I turn this in to her bedroom it will help her, even in a symbolic way, to feel that the past with my ex is well and truly in the past? I can't help but feel that, although she is happy where she is, she also stays away because her home life here did not feel safe or secure in the end. She says many times that she wishes we lived near to one another so that we could literally drop by more often...so I do wonder if, underneath everything, she would want to come home if she felt safe and secure. Or should I just move forward with my own life now and keep the room as a study for myself? It is impossible to use it for both purposes and I really can't decide what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2011): Hi Everyone, thanks so much for answering, it is much appreciated. My apartment is basically really nice now and for one person feels kind of big but small for two. The reason why it feels more like 'home' than anywhere else is that it is the first and only property that I bought when my daughter was young. It was a total wreck, almost uninhabitable, so I have done a HUGE amount of work on it and its value is now three times what it was. We didn't actually live here for long initially before moving in with my ex - maybe 2 years - but we never got to live in it when it was lovely like it is now and somehow, because it was the first home that was bought, it always felt like we lived there for longer.The room that is my study is small with a sloping roof and overlooks the garden. I can't get internet connection in there, so in fact I rarely use it as an actual study, but I would like to sort out the internet situation and use it to study in.However, I honestly feel that my daughter has underlying feelings of not belonging anywhere - we have no family at all and so it is just me and her - I understand the whole thing about mothers not wanting to "let go" of their child and I'm not sure if this is what I am doing. I am really caught between gaining my own independence and trying to make up to her for a lack of security when she was growing up.There is another very small area under my staircase where I could put a small desk for me - but it is cold and dark, so I would have to get a heater and make it "cos". I really understand where you all are coming from though and I do really appreciate the answers so far, thank you!
A
female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (29 September 2011):
Hey, I totally take the point that other aunts have made that you maintain/ create yourself a study area. I think you need a place to focus on yourself and your needs and ambitions.But I also think you've recognised that creating a room for your daughter might give her security symbolically, and also encourage her to visit more often. It's FAR easier to visit your folks if you have somewhere to crash and a little personal space to escape to when you need it.So, I can't help but wonder, just how little space do you have?http://www.digsdigs.com/50-thoughtful-teenage-bedroom-layouts/There are so many creative ways that you can stack a bunk over a desk area, or stagger them perpendicular to one another with shelves/ cupboard space etc. You could have real fun designing it with your daughter too to help her feel consulted and included in her 'share' in the room. Now that you're away from your ex there's a real opportunity for you to spend more time with your daughter. -Even if that's just mailing pics/ colour choices etc to each other to design your shared space! The room could be your study 95% of the time, and you'd even have a comfortable spot to relax with a coffee in there if you're burning the midnight oil up to a deadline! If the room is really too small to accommodate any bed/ sofa bed, maybe you could simply make a point of investing in a sofa bed/ camp bed/ etc for downstairs to reassure your daughter that you have thought about her and that you really want to spend time with her. Make sure that she knows that she is welcome in your home.
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A
female
reader, nicole90  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 My parents kept my bedroom while I was away at school. I appreciated it but sleeping on the couch would have been fine. The only thing that made the difference was their attitude when i did come home. They were very loving and treated me as they would a guest instead of a tenant.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Do get the study for yourself, yours it's a nice intention, but after all it's not the furniture that makes a HOME, she can feel welcomed and at home even if you have her sleep on the couch, and she can feel just only a guest in a newly redone bedroom. It's the atmosphere, the attitude and the sentiment beneath it that counts.
Plus, tbh, every thing has an age and a stage. While probably at 12 she'd had been gushing with delight at the sight of the new Laura Ashley curtains, or Barbie coverlet... at 24, if you want and can do something nice for her,....just slip her some cash every now and then, so that she can get herself some little extra of her own choice , she'll appreciate that twice as much !
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 Get the study. Your daughter is adult now, and while making it a bedroom for her would be a nice gesture, and probably please her and make her happy, she is no longer a child, and hasn't been a child for quite some time. She was an adult in the eyes of the law 6 years ago.
It is nice to know you have room for her to come visit though, so do not make your apartment uninhabitable for her. Have the study for you, but perhaps get a sleep-couch that she can sleep on when she visits? Because after all, with living different places, she probably will not feel that this apartment is her home. And, she is old enough now to start working on creating a home for herself.
Maybe she will feel hurt, but she'll get over it. She is after all an adult, and you can stop babying her. If she gets upset, tough luck. She can deal with it. If she gets upset, sit her down, and explain to her that she is an adult now, and she has moved away from home. You love to have her around, but you imagine that with her being 24 she will want a place of her own, and not live with her mother. That she is always welcome, and you will make space for her. You just will not have a bedroom ready for her the few times of a year she comes to visit you.
Let her have a drawer for her belongings though, or a cabinet where she can put her things so she doesn't have to live in a suitcase when she comes to visit. That will make it good.
Just to let you know, I moved out at 16 and the first thing my mom did was let my brother have "my" room and moved her boyfriend's study into the largest bedroom in the house so no one could sleep there. I literary didn't have a bed to sleep in if I wanted to "come back home". And, yeah, it sucked. I didn't even get a couch to sleep on. However I could always join my brother in his room... however unpleasant that was (who wants to share a room with a teenage boy). But that's not the case with your daughter. If she sleeps in the living room on a comfortable sleeping couch, she'll still have some privacy as it will be just you and her. Now when I go to visit my mother (she moved again, so I never lived where she now lives) she just clears a bedroom that belongs to someone else, so it's not "mine" at all. And I'm 25, so same age as your daughter. It doesn't bother me at all, I'm just happy I get a bed to sleep in at least, and room to put my suitcase (because I live in a suitcase when I visit her!).
Alternatively, you can ask her what she thinks about this matter. Ask her directly, or say you are thinking about turning the room into a study, and maybe she'll be interested in helping you with ideas for how to make it a nice study? If she participates in the process then she'll probably feel more comfortable with the study as she helped designing the look of it.
So, bottom line: make the apartment your own, but with room for her. Get a comfortable sleeping couch for her, and give her her own permanent space for clothes when she comes to visit. Living in a suitcase just isn't comfortable or making you feel "at home", but it's amazing what your own shelf or drawer can do.
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