A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am going to move in with my bf in a few months. We decided this long before he started having financial issues (furlough, medical bills, car accident), but now they have surfaced and I don't know what to do. He currently owns his home and rents out a room to a roommate for $450 a month. The roommate will stay and I will also pay him $450 plus half of the groceries. His mortgage is about $1400. I currently am renting a place for $800 including utilities, but it is significantly closer to my work. Due to some recent money issues, he will not be able to pay all of his bills or barely break even each month, even with two other people helping out. His roommate cannot afford to pay more. Well I'm pretty sure he technically can, but he is just bad with money. I have also already given him a few hundred in the past to bail him out of a financial disaster. I don't make much money, but I certainly can afford more than $450, but would not want to pay anywhere near $800, as my commuting costs will increase. His financial hardships imo should only be for a few more months, if that. So my question is: Is it "fair" to pay what his roommate pays, or should I pay more and help him out because I have the means? My feelings on this have been I should only pay more if his roommate moves out eventually and/or if there is a ring on my finger.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): Sorry. Here are more answers. I haven gotten so many responses (thank you), that I did not answer everything the first time. He has never asked me for money. I just have empathy for him, because I have been through tough financial patches in my life. I really do think that this will be over in a few months.We have been dating for a little over a year, but I knew him before we started dating. He is 25 and I am 26. Part of his problem imo was buying a house at the top of his price range (he did this long before we started dating) and that did not allow him any money for an emergency fund. He made up for part of this by getting a roommate, but financial emergencies came up and they were all unrelated, but happened in a short period of time right after each other. He does not have any other financial issues (ex wife, child support, student loans, etc.). Before all of the financial disasters happened, he was okay with money. He admits to making a few mistakes in the past, such as forgetting to pay a bill and getting slapped a late fee, but I can see that he is working on becoming more organized. I can't wait until his financial issues are over because I already gave notice to my landlord. He can't move in with me in another apartment because logistically it would take a few months to find a renter for his place, find a new apt for us, move all of our stuff, etc.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Did you read any of the replies that people gave? There were more than a few questions:
"Your BF needs to figure out how to make it work with what you and the room mate bring to the table $900. If he can't isn't it a little unrealistic of him to have $1400 mortgage?" --Honeypie
Isn't it a little unrealistic of him?
"I don't see the issue, just wait until his financial problems are finished?" --Cerberus
Why not just wait until his financial problems are over? You said it was only a few months and you were going to move in in a few months time?
"Has he actually asked you to pay more than his roommate?" --anon
My set of questions: Why doesn't he rent out his house and move in with you? How long have you been together? Does he have other financial obligations, like an ex-wife or child support? How old is he? Were the medical bills caused by his car accident? Was he furloughed because of the car accident?
Are there patterns in his life that suggest he's going to be struggling his whole life?
And there were more aunts who responded with good points and I guess I just want to know you actually read the answers and have some information which might help the aunts….. :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): Thank you to all who responded!I forgot a key point. The market rent, according to me browsing a few ads on craigslist, is between $550-$650. Also it is a 3 bedroom house and a lot of my stuff (tv, computer, furniture, etc) will be in the 3rd bedroom with me sleeping in his (obviously).His roommate is only paying $450 because when he moved in 2 yrs ago, that was all he could afford and the same amount he was paying his parents. The roommate is a good friend from college of my bf, so he doesn't want to kick him out and find someone new and risk not getting along.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): He is a big boy, a grown man, he needs to solve his problems and show you when times come for you to stay home with a baby, he will support you getting two jobs if nessesesary.
I wouldn't even move in with him. Also, you are not even renting a room from him, you are renting half of his room, what he paid for before all by himself. You in fact should pay half of what his roommate pays to be honest.
I don't understand how did you figure out that when roommates leaves you need to pay more? Price should be fixed, you have nothing to do with his mortgage or his roommate.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): If you're going to move in and contribute, and he cannot afford the mortgage without you, then I wouldn't move in until there was a legal agreement in place that for every payment you make you then have equity in the house.If a relationship is serious enough to move in then I can't see the problem, if he is serious about being committed then this shouldn't worry him. It's not like you're asking for 50% of the house but just an accurate % accumulating depending on what you agree to pay each month.I know someone who did this with a friend, in the UK, and one bought a house and then realised it was pretty costly! But he was the one who formed out a £15,000 deposit. When the friend moved in they agreed a set rent and that should the house be sold, he would have a percentage relative to what he had paid in - but the first guy would always have the bigger share because he had put more in. They were good friends so it was a way of helping each other out, one would've lost the house had he not found a roommate and the other guy would never have owned a house had they not created this arrangement. They both met partners and bought houses with those; while keeping their joint house rented out. It's worked for over 10 years!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2014):
 Oh yes: silly me . I had not considered that ( probably, at least ) you are not getting a private room of your own, you are sharing your bf's room. Then it's even more absurd if you pay more than the roomate, because with his 450 the rooommmate gets his share of common facilities ( bathroom, kitchen etc. ) AND a room all to himself, while you are just sharing a bed.
You know what , at the end of the day I would not move in at all. It sounds to me that your bf is just coming up with some creative way to mooch off you and making it sound reasonable. It would be fairer and more honourable if he'd just came clean and say : look, I need you to keep me afloat for X months, can you help me out with X dollars every month , since you can afford it? And of course he should consider it a loan and give you regular receipt of what he gets from you. If then you decide that it is a gift instead, and you are glad to help out, fine, you can do that with open eyes.
But as of now, it sounds like he wants to sponge off you and make it sound as if it is a great idea.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 January 2014):
 His money hardships are not your issue, and the fact that he not only takes money from you now, but is wanting more money for you to live in his house is a big red flag that doesn't get better after marriage.
Also, if the roommate is renting out a room for $450/month, does that also mean you're physically getting a separate room of your own?? Why is moving in to share a room with your boyfriend worth more than a guy who is getting his own lock and his own privacy in the form of a room? That to me would be like paying for a stay in a hotel room, only to find out that the hotel is pairing me with someone else to share it. Seems the cost should go down, not up!
I also want to make this clear - you do NOT pay more than what the roommate pays if the roommate moves out. Seriously? Do you think your boyfriend will have the same sense of fairness and add you to the property deed so that your money will earn you equity in that house? Nope. Again, his money issues are his problem, not yours. You pay what the roommate does until you get married and have community property. Nothing more. Remember, he's getting the tax shelter and the equity, not you.
You also need this lease in WRITING with the terms, the costs, your share, and all of that. He'll take advantage if he keeps getting into financial difficulty and then guilt you into shelling money out like he has already done. So what if the roommate moves out? There are plenty of other roommates that could rent the room!
Personally, if I were you, I wouldn't move in with him at all until you marry, and even then how much in debt is he in?! If he's having money problems like this, what will you do if he loses the house??? His car??? Be his bank?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (13 January 2014):
I don't see why you'd have to pay more than his roommate is paying, for legal and financial purposes you are simply another roommate. If the room rents out for 450 $ , that's what you have got to pay. I never heard of a room that changes price according to what the roommate can afford to pay, that's ridicolous - so if the roommate gets a big promotion, or an inheritance, the cost of the room doubles ?! You could object that you are not just another roommate, you are... as of now, and as you remark yourself, you are some girl he is going out , you don't even have a ring on your finger. You have no obligations to whip him up in shape financially ( and personally I think it's cheeky of him asking you . As another poster says, if he wants to split all the costs halfway, then he has to also sign up to you half of his house - you've got to be co- owners , otherwise he is screwing you up ).
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (13 January 2014):
 I would break it down in two ways.
1. If he has a history of money issues and constantly is in need of borrowing money or is short on bills, then I would say no. Not a chance.
2. If he is generally good with money but has unfortunately run into a hardship that was unavoidable or really is not his fault, and he is trustworthy overall, I would help him out. Why not? If you're capable and it wouldn't put you in the hole yourself, I don't see any reason to not help. You're a team. And therefore should help each other out when possible - married or not.
If you go with #2, I wouldn't do this for more than an allotted span of time. I'd set the parameters going into it. That he has X amount of time to get back on his feet. Then your help will stop.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 January 2014):
Why doesn't he rent out his house and move in with you? It sounds a bit like you are expected to subsidize his mortgage and bills, just because you are a nice girlfriend. His circumstances have changed since you discussed the move in and so I'd say it's fair to put everything back on the table. Maybe he's at a point where he needs to move out and turn the house into a rental while he lives elsewhere.
I'd say it's "fair" to pay the market rate for the room.
I have to question your basic reason for moving in with him. You suggest you want a ring on your finger. I personally would wait to move in with him until that future path had been discussed and established. Just moving with him without a plan and being expected to float him through these months, um, well, if you are prepared to essentially give him the money.
This isn't a financial question, really, is it? It's a relationship question. The "fair" thing to do is to pay the market rate for a rental room in a house in this particular area. He could advertise for another roommate and would get the rent to help him through.
It's then up to you to decide if you want to give him more money to help him pay his bills.
How long have you been together? Does he have other financial obligations, like an ex-wife or child support? How old is he? Were the medical bills caused by his car accident? Was he furloughed because of the car accident?
Are there patterns in his life that suggest he's going to be struggling his whole life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): Has he actually asked you to pay more than his roommate? From what you wrote, it sounds like it's something you are considering on your own. If that's the case, I think there's no way you should pay more than the roommate. What you have the means to pay isn't a factor, especially without a (wedding, not just engagement) ring on your finger.If he's pressuring you into paying more, I would seriously reconsider moving in with him at this time. Explain to him that with the $450 from the roommate, he's only paying $950 on his mortgage, and if you're paying more than $475, you're paying more than he is! On his house! That's not right.Just be careful here. Don't get yourself in a situation where you're forced to committ more money than you should, or worse, more money than you can afford. You don't want to end up in financial hardships helping him with his financial hardships. If he's pressuring you for money, you might want to put off moving in with him until he's secure financially and he won't have to rely on you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2014): "I am going to move in with my bf in a few months."
"His financial hardships imo should only be for a few more months, if that."
I don't see the issue, just wait until his financial problems are finished?
I'd only pay what the room-mate pays, you're renting OP, if he wants you to pay half everything he can put your name on the house too.
I wouldn't even pay more if the room-mate moves out, you'll be paying half the groceries and maintenance of the house plus you threw him a few hundred bucks to bail him out.
OP all your costs combined will add up to roughly half his mortgage payments anyway, it would be a bit much to ask you to contribute more than that. Combined you and the room-mate will be throwing about 1100 (including your grocery money) at him. That means he only has 300 a month pay himself into his mortgage and whatever else on utilities.
Plus OP, this does not count the amount of money you will spend on entertainment, going places, drinks, etc. I know when my wife was earning more than me, she picked up a lot of that cost and you also may have to bail him out more than once so you'll need some cash put away.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 January 2014):
 I think you need to sit down and make a budget so you know EXACTLY what you can afford. I think it's unwise of you to move in if it means YOU have to bear the brunt of your BF DEBT.
Personally, I would look at how much more you will have to spend on going to and from work. Then deduct that from 800. Lets say it's 150 more a month. Which leaves your "normal" expenditure at 650. Then if YOU pay HALF the food that is another $150 - that leave you with $500. Then I ASSUME you also have to pay for insurance (car) and your phone. Which means if you move in you will PAY more then you did living alone.
I honestly don't think you should pay more then the room mate. Now if you were engaged and he put your NAME on the DEED making you part owner of the house, then you can talk about paying more.
But I don't rally see why you should pay in EXCESS of your bills (as they are now) to live with your BF.
Your BF needs to figure out how to make it work with what you and the room mate bring to the table $900. If he can't isn't it a little unrealistic of him to have $1400 mortgage?
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