A
female
age
51-59,
*agalvin
writes:Back in Sept. My husband had a month and a half affair. I didnt find out till the friday before Thanksgiving. The woman's husband called me to let me know what has happened. I told the guy there was no way. Thats not him. We have been together for 18 yrs and married for 14 yrs.We recently moved to a new city a yr ago. It took my husband some time to find employment. Finally a shop hired him. Then in Sept. a woman walks in the shop wanting some work done. Then again she comes in. Sob story of her husband and the lack of attention from him. Things were weird with us but not to the point of bad. But they had things in common. She rented a condo for a few weeks and had my husband over to talk about another job she wanted done. They went through the computer looking for more information on the work she wanted done. He had books with him. She kept touching his leg, and notice him not moving away, she kissed him. Then oral sex. She wanted to go in the bedroom, but he refused. This happened twice. Then they cut off everything.. They didnt want this anymore.my question is, How do I get over that? I trusted him. Now I dont. Yah it was just oral. but still hes half naked in front of another woman. I am trying to move on, but finding it to difficult to handle. I want to stay together for our 5 yr old son. but this is to much for me to handle. someone help?
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affair, move on, oral sex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): why is oral sex an "only"? sure there is no risk of pregnancy, but there is still the risk of STDs. Not to mention many people find oral sex to be more pleasurable and exciting than intercourse, so on that level oral sex is every bit as 'sexual' as intercourse, maybe even more so. I mean, 'regular' sex can be done in a mechanical way where both parties are just concentrating on doing what they want to get their own pleasure for themselves. But in oral sex one partner is 100% giving pleasure to the other while the other is 100% receiving the pleasure, isn't this even more "involved" than regular sex?? so in a way, maybe this is just me, but if I were being cheated on I would be every bit as upset if I knew they did oral sex maybe even MORE so.You no longer trust him. staying together is not good for your kid because your household atmosphere is going to degenerate. You may be able to stay together for a few months maybe even years, but sooner or later if there is no trust, your relationship with your husband will crumble and the home will not be a happy one. This will affect your kid.Also the fact that your husband even cheated on you to begin with points to problems in the marriage outside of the cheating. People don't cheat on spouses they truly care about and have a high level of emotional investment in. the fact that your husband cheated shows that even if that oral sex incident hadn't happened - if he hadn't met this particular woman when he did - there were already deep underlying problems and it would only be a matter of time before he did similar with another woman.
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (28 November 2010):
 As I read your post, I couldn't help but notice you consistently minimize your husband's role in the affair. Also, you put more blame on the woman. Sadly, I think you are in denial. Let's face it, your husband cheated on you... and he went back for more.
You only found out about the affair because the woman's husband called you. How can you be sure this wasn't the first woman he had an affair with... Or that she will be the last?
I would not stay with a man like this. The relationship is unhealthy for you, and your son will be affected by this.
What do you think you will end up doing? Keep us posted, and stay strong. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, defeated  +, writes (27 November 2010):
just oral eh, sexual acts are sexual acts and should only be performed with the partner(husbans/wife, gf/bf).
cheating is cheating, and oral is usually only the beginning
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): First off, don't make any major decisions right now. Take time to think, get help, and don't do this alone.
Secondly, don't assume you know the whole story. Read a couple of books, After the Affair, and Not Just Friends.
Most of the time when you discover and affair, you only get a small portion of the story. I've been there, and as you will find if you read those books, so has just darn near everyone else who has had a spouse have an affair.
Finally, marriages can survive if both partners have strength and love, but you have a couple of years of hard work ahead of both of you.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Seems to me to be a pretty small mistake over which to end 18 years together. Sure, if there are other things that are making you want to split and this is the last straw then that would be understandable but if everything was sweetness and light before and you're thinking of divorcing over just this then I'd think again.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (27 November 2010):
 One of the worst things to do is to stay together for the sake of your son. Kids are very perceptive and can usually tell when something's not right, not to mention you'll be struggling to come to terms with what happened for a long time. Your emotions will be a mess, and you'll likely never be able to fully trust your husband again.
Speaking from personal experience, I went through this kind of situation. Later in life I found out my parents stayed together for the last few years of their marriage just for my sake, and during that time I remember it being very difficult to deal with. They fought nearly every day, and being around 7 or 8 at the time, I thought it was my fault. What else is a child supposed to think when they see their parents arguing so angrily? Needless to say, there was a lot of tension in the house that we all could've done without.
A divorce really would be for the best. You'll be able to move on, raise your son in a stable environment and be happy.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (27 November 2010):
 I don't think that people should stay together for the sake of the children. All it does is put the child in a house with two people who don't trust each other and who are always putting on fake smiles around each other.
Would you rather your son be in a home like that or in a home where you are and you are happy and comfortable. And he can go see Dad at his house where Dad is happy and comfortable?
It is just oral sex, but it's still sex. Another woman was giving him pleasure and receiving pleasure from him, that to me is cheating.
It's understandable that you no longer trust him. That trust has been broken and has to be rebuilt, which takes a long time to do.
Do you still love him and want to be with him? Or do you feel you should stay with him because you two have a child together? Trust can be rebuilt and your relationship with your husband can be mended if you both want this to work out.
I would think it over. Have you confronted him about the affair? Does he know that you know he cheated? Perhaps some time apart might do you two some good.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Why do u say ' just oral sex?' Isn't this bad enough? Whose version of account did you give here?
Whether oral sex/ or full intercourse cheating is cheating? How certain are u he did not go further? They were both alone in her apartment and they were coy and only had oral? Why is this so hard to believe? If it was 'her' looking for attention trust me she would not only give oral but he would have been giving her lots more than just a kiss.
Ask him for the 'real' version and full extent of the affair.
Is this his only affair? Or does he make this a habit?
I am sorry u have been hurt but if her hb did not contact u , your hb would still be pretending to be the faithful kind.
What to do? I actually do not know bec I do not think he is giving you the correct version. It is sad your son will suffer but your heart has been ripped. If u stay it may send out the wrong message to your hb. If u knew what u were dealing with then yes plse try again but I believe there is more lies?
From what u have written you think your hb was some sort of 'victim'. No one forced him to cheat on you, he chose to do this. Does he hook up with other clients too or did he only get caught out now.
What is happen to the other woman's marriage?
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (27 November 2010):
 Don't stay together just for the kid. Do you want your son to think that doing this is okay? Because that's what you're teaching him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): This is called cheating. It's too much to handle because it is cheating. You should not have to handle this. This is why they have divorce. Trust is broken. Forever.
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