A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I met about two years ago. After a few months, something told me "she's the one," and so I asked her to marry me. I am in the military, and I volunteered to be deployed a week after we were engaged. We got married and I deployed. The first few months were ecruciatingly hard, and I was forced to use the threat of divorce to kind of snap her back to reality. I love my wife dearly, and divorce is the last thing I want. Everything was fine after that, until recently. I'm set to go back in the next two to four months, and now she's back to the point she was at when I was first deployed. She's going through my credit card bills from long before we were even married, trying to find proof of me lying to her about things that happened before we had even met. She has religious figures and psychiatrists whom she talks to about our marital problems, and I have mentioned them to a couple of old friends who have been in the marriage / divorce trenches. She thinks that by asking for advice from strangers to her I've somehow disrespected her. She thinks that by going out and having drinks, and on a couple of occasions getting very drunk, with a couple of male friends, and meeting new friends, both male and female, that I'm living like a bachelor and am not taking our marriage seriously. Now she's trying to play the divorce card because she says she can't trust me. No matter how much I tell her the truth, she thinks I'm lying to her, and swears that I'm cheating on her over here. I don't know what else to do. As much as I love her, and want to stay with her, I think her paranoia and distrust may not be worth the headache and especially the heartache of staying together. How do I alleviate her fears and get her to stop digging deeper and deeper looking for something (anything) to "prove" her doubts, before it does come down to the decision to divorce or not?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tkay1032 +, writes (7 March 2007):
 Well I am not sue I am one to give advice but am in a simular realtionship. If you have lied to her in the past this could be why she don't trust you. If you have not then talk to her to find out why. I don't think you should go out drinking and meeting new friends without her, I would not trust my boyfriend if he did that. I hope this helps.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): We can't go out together, currently, because I'm stationed overseas, and she's back in the States (Unaccompanied Tour). However, she visited for a month while we were doing great, and that's exactly what happened. We went out together severa times, with my friends, and we made new friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2007): Are you sure you are in love with each other? It doesn't sound it to me! You need to have a good talk with her and point out all of this to her. Let her know exactly how you feel and just what you want from your marriage in the future. I wouldn't go to other people for advice, that can be seen as a bit cruel and hurtful. If you have a problem with her, then only discuss it with her. If you do go out then why can't you two go out together for a drink. If you are out drinking you could meet new friends together. This going out alone, isn't good.
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Farris  +, writes (7 March 2007):
 The honest answer to this is that you can't make someone trust you. Whether or not you've been faithful, it's something you can't force, no matter how hard you try to show her.
It's absolutely heartwrenching to go through a situation where you love someone so much and they just don't believe you. And it's so hard to give up on. But if you've tried for a substantial amount of time, and nothing seems to work, then maybe it's time to call it quits.
Maybe it's time that you stepped back from the relationship, and think about how she's treating you. No matter how much you love her, do you really want to be with someone who doesn't even trust you?
Sorry, I know my advice is probably not what you want to hear, but I speak from my own personal experience. This is how it was for me. It's really hard, but in the end, you have to question what you really want from your partner, and no matter how much you love the person you're with, if they're not the person you need them to be then you're never going to be happy.
Best wishes.
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