A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating a sweet, wonderful woman for two and a half years now. She's smart, beautiful, incredibly gentle and kind. I love her a lot and believe she loves me too. I even considered asking her to marry me.Recently however, she confessed to me that she posed for nude photos in college and worked briefly as an escort. While doing this, she slept with two men for money. I was shocked by this, since she seemed like such a decent person. She claims she only did it to pay her tuition.I can't blame her for what happened in the past. At the same time, how can I trust her in the future? She pretty much admitted she would have sex for money. She broke the law and traded her basic decency for money. How do I know she won't dump me for money? Not to mention the scandal if other people knew about this (and yes, I do care what other people think...marriage is a public relationship; if it was a purely private affair, I wouldn't need a state certificate). I don't know if I could raise children with her. She's really great with kids, but parents should model a moral example for their children.Should I even bother to make this work? Or should I just dump her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): I agree with the "Pro" (as opposed to con) responses. If she didn't feel she could trust you, she wouldn't have told you. How could you have found it out otherwise?
It's hard for a guy to understand, but at the end of the day being an escort is just a job. But when you think about it, are you saying you've never "paid" for sex? You've never taken a woman out to a really expensive restaurant or something else all in hopes of impressing her and hopefully getting her to sleep with you????
In the end, it's in the past. If you can deal with it and remember it's IN THE PAST, I wish you nothing but the best. But if you are going to dwell on it, then move on because deep down it's always going to bother you.
BTW, the photos....you're really going to let that bother you? That's nothing.
Your question raises a lot of issues....but I think they are issues with your insecurities.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): gimme a break. this woman BROKE THE LAW!! by your own admission she is not fit to raise children. is this the kind of moral values you want? and the other person is right she could have worked in a laudromat or scrub toilets or do anything else LEGAL! she went to work as a WHORE which is what she is. if you have ANY self-repsect you should get away from this woman immediately. she was not starving and gave sex for easy money how can you even think of marrying someone like this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2009): I second danielepew. If you don't think you can handle it in the future, you need to end it now before you bring marraige and kids into the picture. Hopefuly, however, you can forgive her. If she is a horrible, indecent slut, she would not have been able to hife it for two and a half years. You would have known by now that she didn't match up with you. Her past is her past and there's nothing she can do about it now. I bet it took a lot out of her to confess it to you. It took her this long, so don't you think she feels horribly about it? She was that person, and now she is the preson you know and are deeply in love with. What you didn't know wasn't hurting you. Therefor, she is not that person. I think she deserves to be loved now that she has moved passed her bad decisions. She has probably barely forgiven herself. If you can't forgive her, then where will that leave her? ~SY.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 June 2009):
 Her posing for nude photos and being an escort were not the best things to do, but I don't think that defines who she is now. Everyone has made things that would rather not mention. She was open about her past, and is giving you the chance to take her or leave her.
I would take her.
As to her being a good example for children, your post sounds like she would teach the kids to become escorts. I doubt that would happen. Perfection does not exist; if she's a reasonably good woman, why would she be a bad mother?
If you can't handle this, it's best if you leave her now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): Seriously, are you saying that you have never looked at porn? If you have, then don't hold her modeling for it against her.
Are you saying that you have never had sex with anybody else besides this woman? Never mind her reasons; people choose to do all sorts of things for varying reasons. If you have ever slept with another woman, then don't hold her previous rendezvous against her.
What matters is where she is in life now. Just let it go, and enjoy the wonderful bond you have with this woman.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 June 2009):
 She's got a smudge on her record. Otherwise, she is a complete and wonderful person. You love her. You could marry her and make a beautiful life, memories, kids together. You're going to be kicking yourself down the road for letting this get to you so much.
So she slept with two guys for money. College is rough, the world is rough and sometimes it seems so easy just to have sex for a half hour, get a crapload of cash and go out the door. I really can't say that I blame her, I've been in horrible positions too and I've certainly done things that I wouldn't admit to anybody unless I loved them and trusted them insanely. Clearly, she loves and trusts you. And, she didn't even need to tell you - she could have kept this a secret, you would have never known and been blissfully oblivious. I give her kudos for honesty.
And how will others find out? I doubt she's going to be telling anyone else. Even if they do, are you going to shun her out and kick her down or are you going to be the guy defending her and standing by her because you know what a beautiful person and soul that she is? If you commit to loving her, you have to commit 100%.
She knows that she made a huge mistake and she regrets it now. If you don't think you can deal with it, okay - nobody can really blame you for that decision - but break it off and move on. Forgive her or go home. I think you'll be wasting a great relationship, perhaps more fulfilling than you'll ever find again - but if it will eat you up than it's just not worth it.
Good luck.
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female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 I think that she told you is a big indicator that you CAN trust her. She clearly values you and cares enough about you to tell you this. She knows what she did was wrong and I don't think she'd do it again. People in desperate situations do desperate things. I don't think she'd do it again after being in a loving relationship that you two supposedly share. I bet she feels horrible about her past and wouldn't do it again. It probably made her feel really used.
Marriage only requires a state certificate because it entitles the sharing of possesions, or assets. It is a legal commitment, but that doesn't make it "public" though I don't suggest you hide your wife in a closet.
How would other people know? I don't think she'd confide in anyone else but you about what she did, because she does seem ashamed of it.
It seems that you'd be embaressed about something like this because you're one of the "keep up with the jones'" kind of person.
If she isn't going to do it again then I don't think there would be any problem in her having children and being a good example. In fact, I think she'd be a perfect person for a child to look up to because she has gone through more than the regular person.
I think that if you dumped her then it would be a shame to let go of the honest person who clearly confides in you so much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): she loves you or she wouldnt have told you. as i am sure she is not proud of it. give her credit for being honest. a lot of woman wouldnt have told you. your not gonna find anyone better, your not getting any younger she loves you and treats you well..... dont through her under the bus.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2009): She did it for tuition, she told you, it's fine what's not to trust? Escort is a job, not pleasurefilled sex, !
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 June 2009):
 Women got the option. Nobody would pay me for sex when I was studying so I had job on the side cleaning places nobody wants to clean. Like where somebody died alone in house filled to the roof with waste.
She slept with men instead. Can't say I blame her.
It is easy to say there is always the option to get a regular job, but that is use males saying that. Women often just ain't hired for the night/odd jobs that men can use to supplement their income.
And on the other hand, she could have stacked shelves in a supermarket, cleaned houses, taken a paper route or countless other jobs countless people do to make ends meet.
She chose to spread her legs for money. That says something about her, not that she is evil but that she takes the "easy" option out even if she could know it is going to bite her in the ass later.
You make some moral claims. Tell me, do these morals include paying young people a minimum wage so that they can make a living with regular work? Providing student loans even to those who do not have rich parents? It is easy to condemn women for becoming hookers while at the same time denying them any other means of staying alive.
If you can't deal with this, then you can't deal with this. I know I couldn't deal with it either. Not for morals but simply because she could have cleaned as well.
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