A
male
age
41-50,
*ukefortender
writes:Hello dear cupid friends,i have a problem and need advice. Me and my wife will complete 5 years of marriage on july next year. There she'll be 29 years old, for this reason she wants a kid, it's her dream. I have 25 and will have 26 next year. The problem is, we've talked about this many times and i decided to give up and make her happy but last days i was thinking about my life and i've started to found out that maybe i'm not ready for this new life for profissional reasons, i desire to finish my incomplete management college, save money to purchase a new apartment, new cars. But all of this take it so long, will she wait so long? 2 years? 4 years? What do i do? Finance is this so important to change someone's dream? She doesnt know about my feelins, i'm tired of fights, everytime we speak about kids we fight, she's so selfish for wanting and seeing only her side of the coin. At the same time it comes my wife's age, the years comes out so fast, next year she'll have 29, after 30, after 31, so it goes on and on.I'm sad and worried!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2011): Eddie & Confused have it right. While some planning before having children is wise, there are some people who will always feel that although they want children someday, now is not the time. So by the time you feel ready, your wife's prime childbearing years may be over.
If you do want children, then you do need to talk (not argue) with your wife about the timing, keeping in mind that women's fertility can start declining once they turn 30. Some women have no problems conceiving for years after that, however, there is no way to know which category a given woman will fall into ahead of time. So asking your wife to wait another 4 years is not really fair to her.
How long have you been talking about having children?
If you don't want children at all, or if you really do want to wait another 4 or 5 years to start a family, you need to tell your wife now so she can decide if that's acceptable to her.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (22 December 2011):
 Aside from money and possessions, do you want a child and do you want it with her? I think foremost you need to answer that. If the answer is no, you need to be straight up so that she can decide what she wants to do (and that may mean she leaves you).
Her biological clock is ticking and at the age she is at now, it is probably best to have a child. The longer you wait, the more risky the pregnancy becomes and the older she will get (as the child matures). It is easier raising kids when you have the energy of a 30-year-old versus when you are in your 40's. You have a committed relationship and she has been patient with you up until this point. So I can certainly understand her desire.
Honestly, I think you need to determine what is really important. I can understand your desire to finish your eduction, but the extra cars? A bigger apartment? Is that really important? Have you considered cutting expenses and relocating to a cheaper part of the country? Finding a better job? Taking an extra job (temporarily)?
Marriage is all about sacrifices and this is one of them. If your wife is going to be happy without some of the finer things in life, but has a child, then so be it. No one is going to think any less of you. People without a lot of material possessions have children and they get by. The most important possession a married man can have is a happy home.
Remember, where there is a will, there is a way and hopefully you and your wife can come to some sort of agreement as to when you want a child. But please, whatever you do, answer my first question in the positive before proceeding. A partner who isn't a committed parent can wreak havoc on a marriage.
Best wishes and Merry Christmas.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 December 2011):
 if we always wait till things are perfect we never have children.
yes they are expensive
yes having a good job and a place to live and a good way to care for the child is important
but having EVERYTHING perfect is not going to EVER happen.
her fertility will start to decline now... she's really at a peak time to have children.
If you love her and you want children with her, I think you need to consider her POV here.
and yes you need to TALK about it more.
but you need to be OPEN to hearing what she has to say.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (22 December 2011):
 You have chosen to marry a woman older than you. Consider this one of the backdrops, as most women want to have children when they're near 30. You're only 25 and not that interested in having a family (which is perfectly understandable for someone your age). It would indeed be foolish to have a child if you're still in college. Do you work now or are you a full time/part-time student? Does she work? Tell her that you need to finish school and get a job before you can even consider children. I don't think it's necessary to buy an apartment to have a kid. And cars? Why do you need cars? What mode of transportation are you using now? And lastly, if you just don't want a child at this moment or anywhere near the future, you need to tell her. That way, she can decide on her own if she is willing to wait for you or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): "i've started to found out that maybe i'm not ready for this new life for profissional reasons, i desire to finish my incomplete management college, save money to purchase a new apartment, new cars. But all of this take it so long, will she wait so long? 2 years? 4 years? What do i do? Finance is this so important to change someone's dream? She doesnt know about my feelins, i'm tired of fights, everytime we speak about kids we fight"You tell your wife YOU are not ready and are waiting until YOU are ready; in the meantime take control of YOUR fertility. It takes two to make a baby.Every child deserves to be loved, wanted and planned by both parents. Your wife wants children but is thinking in the present so she's not planning for the future. She's putting her own interests first.You want children but are thinking long-term so you know the present is not the time. You're putting your children's interests first before they're conceived. I know several couples who became first-time parents in their mid-'30's. By that time they were secure in their own relationships, their goals and expectations were completely compatible, they were settled in their careers and living in the homes where they planned to raise their families. Their kids were loved, planned, and wanted by two loving, mature, stable parents fully prepared to accept the lifetime responsibility of parenthood together and therefore ALWAYS put their children's interests before their own. The kids are much, much, MUCH better off that their parents waited until they were ready to have children before they had children. I know. I'm the adult child of of a couple who became first-time parents in their mid-'30's.
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