A
male
age
51-59,
*ave2link
writes:I fell in love with a woman at work but she was in a relationship and got married two years ago. Over the past 4 years I have not mentioned my feelings to her but it is fairly obvious that we are atracted to each other. 6 weeks ago her husband died. My feelings are that this is a great opportunity but also that she is in mourning and that I cant be seen to intrude on that. My fears are that she will begin a relationship with someone else. How should I approach this awkward sitiuation?
View related questions:
at work, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dave2link +, writes (23 December 2011):
Dave2link is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Abella, that must have been very difficult for you, thank you for your usefull insight.
I know she has expressed a wish to go out but I am not in her circle of friends and I know she went out with her daughter another night.
So you see I am on the side-lines imagining that I could be the one she needs to comfort her but I have no way of letting her know that that is my one desire.
A
male
reader, Dave2link +, writes (23 December 2011):
Dave2link is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the replies. I can see my use of the term 'opportunity' has upset you but this was not my intention and I can see the term is insensitive. All I can say in my defence is that my query was rather hastily drafted. Needless to say I would under no circumstances use such language to someone who has recently been bereaved.I agree also with your suggestions that time is needed - time, sensitivity and friendship. I would not even send flowers as I imagine this could be misconstrued. I suppose I would like to be a friend to her but have no idea how such a position could be arrived at due to our working arrangements - I always seem to be coming when she is going and vice-versa.I know I have to be patient but I also imagine that she needs someone and I should be there for her but I am afraid of stepping over the line and being insensitive. I would hate to do anything to upset her even more, she doesnt deserve that. Its a bit of a catch 22.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 I was widowed while in my 20s and I was also horrified with 'offers' that started very shortly after my husband died. To me it showed a complete lack of understanding and empathy and those who approached me so soon were not even contenders, two years later, when I was finally ready to date.
I don't know what it is but widowed girls seem to get offers in a steady barrage. So one has to learn very quickly how to deflect tactfully but firmly in some instances.
The lady you are interested in may be prepared to date early, but she will have a lot of things on her mind and matters to attend to.
If you can hasten VERY SLOWLY with no pressure on her at all then maybe? But if she thought like me then I would say 'not yet'
Or if you do choose to go to lunch together then keep the flirting or anything with 'i want you' overtones to a minimum or less. Meaning zilch. She would already know you fancy her. So all you need to do is let her know you are there for her.
The best and most appreciated comment I did like was, 'you've been through a lot,
if you ever feel the need to talk about it, I'm a good listener'
There was no pressure implied in that comment.
I know some people date again within 3 months.
And I know a couple who married 6 months to the day from when the spouse of one died.
But I was happy with a longer time of waiting.
To the tactless opportunistic guys who approached me during the first year I felt it was far too early to even listen to their offers: Although I said 'no thanks' as tactfully as possible, and to a then 60 year old neighbor who offered to 'ease my pain' he was sent packing with no doubt the answer was 'no!', I wrote them off as potential guy friends.
One: because two were married (no thanks) and one separated (no thanks)
Two: the then 60year old was married and too old (double no thanks) and
Three: and decided that for the rest, their ill advised offers were giving off all the wrong vibes to ever consider them in the future. Becaused they approached me too soon. And were too eager. And I was too sad and still grieving. So they read me wrongli
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Well, at least you're honest about what you are thinking and feeling about this. We have know way of knowing if she loved her husband or if he was the love of her life, but we can assume that this is going to be a major adjustment for her and she will need to grieve at the least. It's callous and self serving to want to jump in and try to pin her into a relationship immediately after the death of her husband so that no one else can have her and it's disrespectful overall. I don't believe she can't have any joy in her life or has to mourn for a certain period but she isn't going to want to jump into a relationship with you or with anyone in the near future most likely. Be a friend and be there for her. That is all you can do. Respect her grief and don't try to do anything more.You have no way of knowing what she feels for you if anything more than friendship. You wouldn't be the first to make assumptions about whether someone is attracted you or not when there was nothing really there.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 December 2011):
Even the biggest A-holes I have come across in my life have never called the event of someone losing their love of their life "a great opportunity." Shame on you!
You should evaluate your own morals and values first before you even think of getting into a relationship with anyone, let alone her. Your post makes me doubt you are able to care for anyone else but yourself. But atleast you've been honest to us about your intentions, I have to give you that.
If you want to use this as an opportunity, do it to become a better person.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 December 2011):
 I had to read your age SEVERAL times....
You have rendered me SPEECHLESS. She lost her husband THE LOVE OF HER LIFE tragically two years after marriage SIX WEEKS AGO. My father lost his wife 16 YEARS AGO AND he still mourns her. There is NO WAY you actually see the death of her beloved as an opportunity for you to move in on her is there?
In my religion a spouse is mourned FULLY for ONE YEAR… ONE year of no music. ONE YEAR of no movies… one YEAR of no dating or joy… and in many cases it takes even longer to return to the land of the living.
Have YOU never lost a loved one?
Marieclaire as usual makes a great point, this is NOT about you caring FOR her, rather it’s about YOU caring about YOU…
So tell me why you love this woman.... and then I can give you an answer you can better understand.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Blimey , this poor woman has just lost her husband 2 years after marrying him and you have, in your head,her out seeking a new man before the shocks even worn off!
Do not approach her in any romantic way at all. You can be a supportive friend but only if she wants you to be.Leave the moves up to her.
If she has or had ANY attraction to you it will be the last thing on her mind right now and for a long time
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): Be there for her as a friend ONLY. Give her time to grieve - she will need it. It's going to take a while - maybe years - before she is able to feel that dating someone else is not an act of disloyalty toward her late husband.
Recognize that this is only an "opportunity" if her feelings end up coinciding with yours. If it's someone else she wants to date, you can't stop that by crowding her, no matter how pleased you are that she is now (unwillingly) single.
Now is not the time to act on your assumption that she is attracted to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): If her husband only passed away 6 weeks ago, bless her. I seriously doubt she will be thinking about a new relationship for a while. And certainly dont mention that his passing has afforded you a great opportunity! That sounds awful.
She might have liked you before but that is not a guarantee that she will have a relationship with you. The situation need not be awkward. Thats down to you. Rather than proclaim your intentions while she is understandably distraught, just send flowers and a thoughtful note. She will respond in whatever way she feels is fitting. Be guided by that and try to be a friend to her for the moment. She is a human being, probably in a great deal of pain, not an item in the January Sales! Attempting to rush in and secure her before someone else does, might totally turn her against you. So proceed with compassion and imagine how you would feel if you had just lost someone you loved. Try to put yourself in her place and be a friend to her for now. If anything is to come of your friendliness it should be in the fullness of time and at her pace.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2011): The last thing you must do is rush in at this time, be the supportive friend, ready to talk, listen etc. Although this is an opportunity for you - it is totally different for her. Offer whatever help she may need but do not be overwhelming. As time goes on you can get the measure of whether something can develop. She is unlikely to want to launch into a relationship this soon and such a relationship may be a response to grief or loneliness and so not last. Concentrate on building a friendship and nothing more for now.
...............................
|
