A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I started dating at 21, and moved in together a year later. We lived toghether during out last year at University. We're now 25 and have been going out for four years. For the first 3 years we were very close. Nothing could come between us. We both steered our lives together and even moved countries together. I've gotten really depressed recently and I don't know why. I've decided that I am going to change my career which has made me a bit more happy, but still feeling a ball of sadness inside me. My romantic feelings for her are not there at the moment and are replaced with insecurity and low self-esteem, yet I desperately care about her and want to feel them again. Recently I kind of "freaked out" because she generally wants to move things forwards and start "building" for the future ie spending more money on ornaments/furniture for our rented flat etc, yet I feel that I want to be a bit carefree for a while. I want to lead a life with less seriousness, more potential and opportunity in terms of music, arts and career. In being unhappy I projected this all onto her and greatly hurt her by blaming her for my unhappiness. She doesn't control or limit me in an active way, in fact she is supportive of my creative ideas. However she is not really interested in the same type of musical culture that I would so much like to indulge in. My tastes seem slightly "immature" to her, she is into politics, economy and academic debate. Our differences were always a good thing and we both loved talking for hours. Now she is asking me whether or not I want to be her boyfriend any longer. Splitting up will be akward as we also share friends. Without her I will have to start from scratch, but it will be even worse for her as this is not her home country and it is mine. She is just about to start a great job after studying for a year. Perhaps she will make new friends and can get a bit more space? Please help, very confused. I forgot to say that she is a real hard-to-find gem. Very attractive, stable, and healthy girl. In the bottom of my heart, I know that if I split up with her I will spend a relatively short time going in a large circle and then wishing I had her back and regretting letting such an amazing girl go.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I'm sure you already know the answer...You've said:
"My romantic feelings for her are not there at the moment and are replaced with insecurity and low self-esteem, yet I desperately care about her and want to feel them again." It seems that the problem isn't with the relationship, but with you. You don't have to end the relationship because it seems to me you really do want to be with her. However, I would look at what is making you feel insecure? I'm sure she knows how you're feeling since you said: "In being unhappy I projected this all onto her and greatly hurt her by blaming her for my unhappiness. She doesn't control or limit me in an active way, in fact she is supportive of my creative ideas."
I would suggest staying in the relationship, maybe a little bit more free time would help? Decide what you want for yourself, but remember, good relationships are a lot of work and take commitment.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi Unique, thanks for your reply. It really helps.
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A
female
reader, Unique1  +, writes (20 August 2007):
If you realize all those good qualities about her than why are you thinking of letting her go? Your job is not the most important thing my man. I know many guys that left their girls, wifes because of job or career and many hwo came back crying because they realized that their job is not everything. You seem to recognize that she is stable and great, pretty girl- and you might not realize what it means to lose her until she is gone. Think about that- you don't want to lose something great because you are unsure what you want at the moment.
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