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She lied to me about her sexual past and I can't get over it, please help me.

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 September 2011) 7 Answers - (Newest, 10 September 2011)
A male Mexico age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Before my girlfriend and I had sex for the first time she told me I was going to be her first. While we were having sex I realized she was lying to me. Also, I did a lot of research about virginity and concluded that she was lying to me. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that she lost her virginity to me and that I was ruining something very special for her because I didn't believe her. So, I started thinking that maybe there was some kind of emotional and/or sexual abuse in her past, specially because she told me she was severely hurt by her first boyfriend.

A few weeks after, she demanded me to tell her everything about my sexual past. And so I told her pretty much everything, although I didn't want to. I feel ashamed of some of the things I did in the past. Then she started shaking and gasping for air, she was extremely anxious and couldn't even speak properly. I thought that she was going to tell me that she was raped or something, instead of that she told me that she had sex only once with her first boyfriend. The morning after she told me that she had sex with a friend of hers because she thought he was going to be her boyfriend. A few days later she told me that she had sex with the son of one of my coworkers, but since he couldn't penetrate her well because he was a virgin, they didn't really had sex. After several weeks, she admitted that she had a boyfriend when we started dating. And several months later she told me that she was going to tell me the truth once and for all... she had sex lots of times with her first boyfriend; she had sex several times with her “friend” (who, by the way, was pretty much a stranger to her at the time); she tried, unsuccessfully, to have sex with this other guy that was a virgin, several times; and she had an underage boyfriend when we met.

All this had a huge impact on me. I couldn't sleep for days, felt anxious, and used to have obsessive thoughts about her having sex with other men. I tried to take revenge humiliating her verbally, something I regret. Also, I developed an strange obsession with virginity. I imagine my girlfriend's cherry getting popped by that asshole. And sometimes I just want to leave her and find a virgin for myself. Specially when she tells me that she gave away her virginity out of love and that it was something very special for her.

She doesn't understand why, after several months, I still feel so bad once in a while. She tells me that I am a sexist hypocrite, that I have a lot of emotional issues, like chronic insecurity, that I have the madonna/whore complex, and that I give a lot of importance to the hymen. I love my girlfriend, I really do. But I feel hurt and I resent her. She is getting sick of me because I can't get over it. Sometimes she tells me that I need professional help. I'm feeling way better than a few months ago, but I want to get rid of all the pain once and for all. I want to trust her 100% again. I want to marry her. I want her to be the mother of my children. I do love her that much. I would really appreciate some advice that could help me overcome this once and for all.

View related questions: co-worker, her past, hymen, revenge, sexual past

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2011):

I wish I was present with you so that I can give you a manly SMACK IN THE MOUTH and tell you to stop acting like a pathetic loser. Nevertheless, I simphatize with you.

Not so long ago, I was in a very similar situation as you are in now. I was young and idealistic somewhat naive. I know the mental struggle you are going through friend. One part of you dispises her for pretending to be a virgin while another part of you wants to believe that she loves you. Its so TORTUROUS you will lose your appetite, have headches, scream And cry in infrustration and even stay up till daybreak just thinking about how much she hurt you and how much you love her and all the more painful because you are the virgin.

I guess this is the most lowest point in your life at the moment and as a fellow man who has gone through this similar problem, I will give you some thoughts that has helped me get through it. Of course, it may not work for you as we are all individuals. I just leave it for you to think about.

This will make you angry but it is the TRUTH. YOU ARE IN THIS SITUATION BECAUSE OF YOUR OWN DOING. It is not your fault that she is a lair and a non-virgin but it is your fault you chose her in the first place.

YOU ARE THE MAN. It is your business to make it clear from the start to yourself and women what you are looking for and what you want.

Being a REAL MAN is being self posessed.

Knowing where fun ends and seriousness begins.

We as men just don't go into relationships at whim or just because some woman fancies us.

We as men go into a relationship because of a concious choice based on our standards of how we value ourselves and the woman we are about to choose to be our mate.

Also as men we recognize that intimate relationships with the opposite sex are meant to be for life because what we do to them and they to us shapes our characters for life.

Therefore men take seriously their relationships with women.

Finally, we as men are the ones who OWN the relationship. That is why a married woman changes her surname and not the other way around.

We dictate the terms of the relationship. The womans' place in the relationship is to be our second in command.

She is there to fulfill our wishes, and in return for her submission to us, we give them our love and affection.

I don't know how you're fairing right now but I hope this puts things into a whole new perspective for you.

All this time you had boyish thoughts and reasonings that led you into this personal calamity. Be of good cheer. Consider this as a baptism of fire from boyhood to Manhood.

The wounds may still be raw because of feelings of love still lingering but you have now reached the final stage of this initation which will make you become a man or a wimp for the rest of your life.

All you have to do is decide in your heart and tell her that you made a terrible mistake by falling in love with her and that she wasn't the type of girl you wanted all along.

Once you mustered your manly courage to release her from your heart, believe me you will start to think like a man. Confidence, courage, strength, and character will naturally flow into your life because you have mustered your emotions.

By the way, REAL WOMEN are attracted by the qualities mentioned above. Gather your strength my MAN, and break free from her emotional fetters. THE MEN ARE RIGHT BEHIND YOU. YOU CAN DO IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN.

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A female reader, bunnyblueeyes United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2011):

bunnyblueeyes agony auntShe cannot call you a 'sexual hypocrite', its not like you wouldn't have gone with her if she wasn't a virgin!! So for her to be annoyed at you because of her own lie is ridiculous.

Are you sure you know the truth now? I'm not.

If you really want to stay with her then you must forget about her lies.

(That's going to be very hard to do), if you don't think you can forget about about her lies then staying with her is a very very bad idea.

Good luck.

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A female reader, angelDlite United Kingdom +, writes (8 September 2011):

angelDlite agony auntshe has lied to you from the start and now bit and pieces of the truth are gradually coming out. what is she gonna admit to next?? and what was the panic attack for when you told her about your past sex life? its not that you have got a virgin obsession, this is what she is telling you to deflect and convince you that you are being unreasonable. you are not! you have a problem with her coz she is a liar. you say you want to marry her and have children with her? will you trust her? will you be happy for your future children to have a manipulative liar as a mother?

x

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011):

She was wrong for lying. She should have just said she's no virgin. There's no way sweetheart, that u can tell a girl is not a virgin regardless of the amount of research u do. I've never been penetrated by a man but have tons of sex toys and use them daily, but I'm still super small. Then my co worker has sex a lot with her bf but she's really tight too. The only for sure way to know is ask, which u did. I wouldn't leave her but I would definitely tell her that makes u suspicious of all she tells u. In some countries a lot of pressure is put on women to be virgins. Here in America, well.......its different. But consider ur culture and if the relationship is worth it to continue. Best wishes.

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A male reader, CASA DE FIGUEROA United States +, writes (8 September 2011):

Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if its broken BUT you can ALWAYS see the cracks in the reflection. She sounds like a liar and you should leave her and find a woman who can fufill your needs, there are millions out there waiting for you. Good luck!!

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (8 September 2011):

Yos agony auntThis comes up here frequently. Here is an article and discussion about it on this site:

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (7 September 2011):

chigirl agony auntI am going to tell you to leave her. She lied to you, about a lot. It's not her sexual past that bothers me, it's that she lied to you, with such a big lie too! And for so long! And lied about telling the truth, over and over, and it took her how many months into the relationship to come completely clean? And how can you be sure it's all out on the table?

You've had to face what I'd call a mentally challenging situation. In fact, it's bordering psychological games from her part. These sort of games will break you down and confuse you, and make you terribly upset.

I really do not think you should be with her after what she put you through and how she has treated you. I understand that you love her, but love is not enough. I think you will be happier without this girl, because she has been playing mind games with you, and the longer you stay with her the worse it will get.

Because of these games she's played with you, you now have developed complexes and anxiety. Yes, you do need professional help, to help you work through these anxieties and find a way to come to peace again with yourself and your mind. Seek out a therapist to help you help yourself.

But I am afraid, as long as you stay with the source of these anxieties, you will never heal from it. She wounded you, you see. She told you lies, she spun you along, she hid things from you, and for so long she kept it up, and the wound got bigger and bigger for each lie she told you. Staying with her is keeping the wound open, even if she has stopped cutting at you. The only way to heal is to remove yourself from her.

If you and her are meant to be, then in the future, once you have healed, and she has improved her behaviour and stopped bing a chronological liar, you can try having a relationship again.

Your girlfriend is ridiculing you by saying you need to "get over it". This is a serious problem in your relationship that she is at fault for. It's like a cheater telling their partner to "get over" the infidelity. Your partner didn't cheat on you, but she betrayed your trust by lying on numerous occasions. That's not something for you to "get over", that's something for her to work on. She'd need to regain your trust. She hasn't done a thing to regain that trust, instead tells you to get over it and get help, because she can't be bothered any longer.

You need to get that help. And you need to remove yourself from her. She is the cause of your problems. With her around it will never get better. I'm sorry. She made a fatal mistake lying to you, and there's no way to take back the damage that has been done.

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