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She is on my mind all the time. Should I tell her or hold in my emotions?

Tagged as: Crushes, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 April 2015) 5 Answers - (Newest, 1 May 2015)
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

This has been on my mind for a while now. It happened a few days ago, but I am not sure where to progress. This is a long story, so bear with me. So here it is:

A few nights ago, a large group mixed with work friends and others who I did not know went out to a nightclub. For context, it was one of the remaining few days she had in our city, she was leaving the job, and wanted to spend it with the people she had met (etc.).

In that group was a girl named M. M and I are good friends; we work together, have similar shift patterns, and very much enjoy each other's company. She's great and I have/had feelings for her, but not sure if she did for me. She was always affectionate, however.

On this might, I met up with her in the nightclub after pre-drinking. As time progressed, the full effects of alcohol were taking their toll on her, and sooner or later she was drunk. Not drunk enough to stumble everywhere, but her behaviour made it very obvious.

During that time, she put her arms around me and I took it as a sign that perhaps she relayed interest in me like I did in her. But after going outside to the smoking area to meet up with others, I saw her kissing another colleague of mine, T.

T tried to leave the club earlier than everyone else since he needed to get up early, but ended up kissing M for long periods of time. I had to stay by her for a while, but through it she said "I love him", and "where's T?". Eventually I left her with someone else because I was upset and decided to go home.

That following day, she invited me to have some drinks. T was there, which was fine, but in the time me, M, T, and another colleague (call him N) were there, T told me that he knew she had a boyfriend, but she effectively ended it with him. Or so she says. He has interest in her, but not where he is infatuated.

Yesterday she invited me out again, to join others for another round of drinks. I had to decline a few times - simply because I had other things that I needed to do - but T was apparently there. I don't know what happened that night, but I don't know where to go from here.

I'm not worried about her relationship situation. I'm more concerned about dealing with these emotions. I'm already clinically depressed among other things, and have resorted to taking action (therapy, antidepressants), but she is on my mind all the time.

What do I do?

Should I tell her or hold in my emotions?

I can't change my shift pattern since it's the only one I can work, and I'm not sure how I feel about her. T is interested, but apparently "doesn't think about her all the time" similar to what I do.

View related questions: depressed, drunk, kissing, period

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 May 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI would accept that she DOESN'T like you THAT way. She likes you as a friend. She fancies T. She is looking for a rebound or for some dude to make her feel special since she is having relationship trouble/ or just broke up... Either way.. She isn't feeling the same way about you as YOU feel about her.

TELLING her will do ONE thing. IT will make being around her AWKWARD. Working with her AWKWARD. She will start to avoid you and stop inviting you to come out with the group.

So while I get that you HAVE feelings for her, TELLING her would NOT be something I'd advice.

And JUST because you carry a torch for HER, doesn't mean she HAS to feel the same for you or that she somehow OWES you to like you THAT way.

While T may NOT be as interested or infatuated with her as YOU are doesn't mean he won't sleep with her if she offers herself up, and she might. Specially if she is crushing on him. Not much you can do about that. And again, telling her? would not be a great idea, specially since she has been SO vocal about how much she fancies T.

DOESN'T mean you aren't good enough or whatever enough, JUST means she doesn't FANCY you. It happens.

The sooner you accept that what you feel for her is a crush and let it go, the sooner you can work on moving past it.

I would suggest cutting the "social" drinking and hanging out with her down, so at least you don't have to stand around and watch her throw herself at T.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015):

[OP]

Janniepeg, I think you have misunderstood slightly. M is not the one leaving, it's a coworker separate to us. I should have made this clearer and I apologise, however it was for someone else. Not M.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (30 April 2015):

janniepeg agony auntI suppose it was a farewell party amongst the coworkers. I had been depressed before. One of the symptoms was recurrent, obsessive thoughts. Sometimes music that played in my mind in loops, for hours.

When you tell people you think about them all the time, you may think the purpose is to see if they feel the same, or get it off your chest. In this situation, she would not know how to make out of this. She is leaving, and there is no way she would be considering a relationship. In a sober state she would not understand why one would consider a long distance relationship, when you two are not even dating. She may not understand your depression and I doubt talking about your feelings would help you deal with those emotions. She had a good time with the coworkers, but your connection with her is not deep enough for you to reveal about your inner emotions, or your mental state. You could tell her you appreciated your friendship and she's special. I don't think there's anything to do but wish her all the best in life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2015):

[OP]

WiseOwlE, your advice is relatively sound and there are areas of it that I will take into deeper consideration. Having said that, there is also an element of naivety with which I must correct.

First of all, I'm not uncomfortable about working with her. At no point did I mention that I wanted to stop working with her. I only mentioned it to mitigate the inevitable responses of how I should just not work with her. I'm not selfish, I'm not running away from the her because my feelings are hurt.

Secondly, how have you ascertained that she is a party girl. Yes, there are some discrepancies here; a) I'm the one who is/was courting her, and there is bias, but b) I've only described one night. Surely you can't be this quick to characterise her as just a "party girl".

And last of all, the medication. This is the first time I've been on antidepressants. Before that, I had always been in therapy. It's been years (six of them) trying to deal with it, and given the amount of time I will have this summer, it seems appropriate to begin combating. I understand what antidepressants do, hence why it's in combination with therapy.

I am dealing with this as an adult so far. I haven't treated her any differently than before. I wanted the advice, and got it, but some of your illustrations of the situation were unjustified.

Nevertheless.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (29 April 2015):

Try dealing with this like an adult. Without the dependency on medicine or feeling weakened by the depression.

M is not the girl for you. She recently broke-up with someone and seems to be throwing herself at T; her rebound interest for the moment. She seems to drink too much, and that could be attributed to her emotions over her "alleged" breakup.

Save yourself some drama and frustration. Just treat her like you do all your other co-workers. You don't have to change your schedule around her; but try and see if that is a possibility.

Otherwise, man-up and deal with her being around you at work. People you can't have, don't have to drop off the planet to ease your discomfort. You can't run from every situation that doesn't go the way you want it to.

Antidepressants are to reset the chemical imbalances that trigger depression and stabilizes your moods; they have no effect on common-sense and decision-making. Therefore, you will have to access your sense of logic and reason; and consider what would be "healthiest" for you at the moment.

She would only set you back from your recovery from your depression. She's a hand-full right now. A party-girl.

Sometimes the best way to deal with your feelings is just face reality and put your feelings in perspective. Part of maturity is dealing with the facts and adapting to your circumstances. I see no advantage in telling her how you feel; when she isn't showing you much interest.

Being nice to you is not being affectionate; it's just being nice to you. Kissing and hugging on you when she's drunk is just messy uninhibited behavior due to her intoxication. She's out of control, and it can cost you your job if she claims you acted inappropriately towards her by taking advantage of her drunken-state. Call her a cab, and go home separately.

She isn't ready for anything serious, and you are merely crushing on her. Your feelings are likely to be wasted, and you'll be competing with T, whom she seems to be more interested in anyway.

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