A
male
age
30-35,
*ir diesuke
writes:I just wanted to ask for some advice im 22 now and the girl im about to talk about is 20 nowwe met when she was 17 and i was 19 long distance relationship she was in seattle and i lived in chicago we went through the long distance relationship thingbut it sorta started breaking apart , her parents got in the way a few months later and tried really hard to break us up but ended in a failure no matter what she ran away even when she got caught and had no way of contacting me , she snuck and bought one of those trackphone things . . . and the day she turned 18 she flew to me . . . and ever since we lived togetheri wanna admit i wasn't perfect . . . she hurt me emotionnaly and i didn't know how to handle it . . i would push her and raise my hand against her for less than a month until she told me shes done . . .so either i change or she'll leaveso i changed completelyi devoted myself to herworked and gave up everything as well as she did but . . . she wanted me to make up with her family which i couldnt bring myself to do but i still kept trying to do . . .i spent everyday trying to think of a surprise for hershe never had to work unless she wanted toi got her anything she wanted as long as i have money and if i dont ill struggle to get itand i went to school so i can be somethng for her . . .we had a baby by the time late she turned 19he's a beautiful baby boyit was the best moment of my life and im sure hersit was hard at first specially that i wouldnt accept help from her side of the familybut she definately turned me into a good person and i love the boy so much with all my heartthey were both my heartsbut then summer hit 2009 and i felt distant from heri was working a lotshe didn't make food like she usually do , i didn'nt mindshe was always playing games online or was just always online all the time ..the puppy that she always wanted (i got for her )she does nothing but complain and wants to sell it but i worked hard to get her the puppy shes been wanting one for over a yearshe also wants to get rid of the kitten which i got her for her anniversary and she loved it too till she got frustrated with the puppyshe would always be on the pc when im sleeping . . .i never wake up next to her and she always has an excuse ... she never tries anymore . . .but i still do i feel obligated too...she gave up everything for meshe putted up with my crap at the begginingi owe her thats how i feelbut most of all i love heri love her more than anything and anyone in this worldtime came she wanted to go to six flagsand i didn't have the money i convinced my mom to lie to her about lending us some cash . . . all the money i had , had to go to school and i knew i wouldnt be able to take her while its nice . . .an anime convention was coming up which i wasn't allowed to go to because there are half naked girls there and people get stupid therei know someone who has a shop at the convention so i took the chance and also got a gig to go on the walk on dressed up and maybe get another jobi wasnt getting paid much but i knew i can make the money for her. . . it didn't go welli had fun , got carried away and kissed a girl ( as an anonymous person i would like to add that i just kissed her once no tounge or anything some random girl that loved my outfit and she was taking a picture by me for all the people everyone started screaming kiss )at that moment we kissed . . .it ment nothing and i felt nothingno she wasnt ugly infact she is fairly great lookingbut i felt no attraction at alli took her and her friends number . . i taught maybe i could fix thisi kept talking to the girl for a week so i can convince her to tell my partner what i did . . cause i know if i did it she would assume i slept with her . . assume the worse...i convinced the girl to tell her only if my partner contacts her but in any other case she doesnt want to get involved . . . i apologized to her and she said its ok but she rather we not talk anymore i told her thats what i want as well...but it ate me up inside and no matter how hard i triedi couldnt tell my partner what i have done . . .one night we were snuggling i told her i cheated on her . . .she told me no i didn't and i couldn't argue with heri didn't wanna disapoint her . . . i feel so ashamed of myselfim such a piece of crapwe got into an arguement over the internet thing ever since i kissed another girl i got over paranoid about everythingwe got to the point that she called her fmaily so she can take a break from me her and the baby went with her dad to nebraskai couldnt stop her or stay to say goodbye it was too hardlittle did i know that theres a video of me doing the model walk on on stageshe caught me red handed . . .and i admitted to kissing a girl while i was at it. . .she was planning on only staying there for a lil bit but that turned into forever . . .i was left in the apartment broken down in tears everywhere i go it hurtsi see baby toys the cribeverything we worked hard onher pictures which she wrote on the back that she will be back ... lots of them . ..she tooks a picture of herself and the baby on the pc . . .the bed smells like her. . . i miss her so muchit took me 2 and a half months to pack her things because i couldnt do it . . .i kept holding her clothes and smelling them and hugging them , closing my eyes dreaming it was her . .. i can still smell her perfume lingering around my things . . .all the memories i have with her everythingi miss her and our baby boy so much . . .i know i made a mistake and i know half of all of you think im just some crazy desperate bastardi admit to my mistakesi should have just accepted her familyi shouldnt have raised my hand i should've never went to the conventioni shouldnt have lied . . .but when i changed for her i did . .i know for a fact that im not perfect . .but its not the years with her that made me love heror the things she did for meshes been gone for over over 2 months now i still think of hermy eyes are dried up from tears my heart hurts , i feel like theres no porpuse for anythingand i lost all hope that shes ever coming back...she has a car , a bigger nicer place , and a family . .all she has in chicago to come back to is a piece of shit cheating ex-boyfriend i discontinued my schoolingquit my jobclosed my savingsi tried putting up a face that i didn't care tried to go to work tried everythingbut i cried like out of nowherei couldnt pay attentioni kept dazing offi still do until todayi go to the place where i met her when she flew to come see me ...i met her at pulaski and lawrence . . . i still go there every saturday , that was the day i finally got to hold her and kiss her . .. i kissed her forehead . . . i made mistakes..im sure shes happy now with all her things , and im sure she will find a way better guy than me. . .there's no way i can reach her . . . i'd do anything to be with her again . . . and i wouldn't make anymore mistakes , i would gladly give my life up for her even now . . my question is . . .reality hurts but she is not coming back and most likely gonna be with someone else . . .what do i dofinding someone else isn't an option . . .i already tried even looking at a girl and all i can think of is her i know im not with her anymore but i still feel like im cheating on her if i even looked at a girl . . . i don't wanna change that though ....other than that im alonei don't really have friends and the ones i do have i dropped because they only helped me weaken my bond with her and they never liked her so i dropped them because they didnt respect my appreciation for her . . i miss her so much . . .i don't know what to do with my lifeor myself now . . .i don't care what happens to me and i don't care much for professional help either . . .its been months now and the pain and memories are still therebut theyre not . . .im so confused i don't even know what to do or where to start . . .im so lost without her .
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