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female
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*sphodel
writes: I posted earlier this month and got some great advice... but still things don't seem to be getting much better. I am 24 and have an amazing boyfriend. We have been together over 10 months and we have everything I have ever wanted in a relationship-- an amazing connection on every level. We (I) only have one problem: his ex-girlfriend. They were together for 2 and a half years and lived together in the house he still lives in. They moved in together after just a few months of dating, when he bought the house and "needed a roommate," as he puts it. I know without a doubt that my boyfriend loves and adores me and that we are going to get married someday. But for some reason, I have a really hard time getting over his past. He has had two girlfriends before, whereas I have never really had a serious relationship. I have been waiting since, oh, junior high to meet the right guy, and I finally did and that's what it took for me to commit to somebody. I thought I was in love in high school, but that person was very manipulative and strung me along for years. Now I know what real love is because I have found that with my boyfriend. He is kind and funny and wonderful and he really gets me, and I know he feels the same way about me. His friends have told me how I am the perfect girl for him, how I really let him be himself like his exes never did, etc. And some of these people are friends with the ex. Which brings me to the problem... she is around a lot. I mean, A LOT. And even if she isn't there physically, she is mentioned or on her way or was hanging out the night before, etc. They all are from the same small town and have known each other for many years, and I moved to the area a couple years ago from a different part of the country. Even though most of his friends have really welcomed me and I have become close to some of them, I occasionally feel like an outsider because they have all known each other so long, and whenever the old stories and "remember that time" things come up, I don't know what they are talking about and often have to hear stories involving my boyfriend and his ex when they were together. I also get maddengly insecure that my boyfriend would still be with his ex had she not broken up with him. When we first met, he explained that even though things hasn't been right with them for a while, he took it really hard when she moved out. He assures me that after a couple months of sadness and then the occasional relapse, he realized that they were not meant to be more than friends and that he wanted a different kind of relationship, something more real. And logically I know this is true and that he has found what he wanted with me. We met about 8 months after they broke up and fell for each other pretty fast. So the problem is, although I know he loves me and I love him, and even though she has a new boyfriend (another of their friends, of course) I still get insecure whenever she is around, or when I find something of hers in the house. It's like they are constant reminders that someone was there first and what's to say she won't sneak back in someday? He has given me free reign to throw out anything he may have not noticed she left behind, so I know it isn't stuff he even notices, but it still hurts that she lived there.Recently I found a letter he wrote her after she broke up with him, about how much he missed her, and I pretty much fell apart. I wasn't trying to snoop, I just happened upon it and read a few lines and stopped reading when I realized what it was. Anyway, even though I know that is all in the past, it hurts me to think of him missing her so much, being with her for so long, having such strong feelings for her, sleeping next to her every night. I guess that's because I waited all those years for him, and I wonder if when they got together he thought she was perfect for him the way I think he is perfect for me. It also hurts that they moved in together after just a few months, less time than he and I have been together now, and although I need a new apartment he says he isn't ready to live with me. I know every relationship moves at its own pace but I can't help but wonder why her and not me. He tells me that living with her and staying with her so long were mistakes he made because he was young, that he now knows true love with me and that they just stayed together out of comfort and convenience. He says it was never like it is with us. So why can't I accept this and get over it and not get upset when I see her or think of her or her name is mentioned? My boyfriend has done everything he can (well, as much as he can come up with as a guy, sometimes they are pretty oblivious!) to make me as comfortable as possible, avoiding certain situations and reassuring me when I need him to. He even bought a new bed just for us at his house so I don't have to sleep in the bed they shared anymore. I told you he was amazing.So why, WHY is it that after all this time it still bothers me that she is around? I was getting panic attacks for a few months last spring, which I have never had before in my life. Thankfully that isn't happening anymore, but I still do get upset and sad and jealous and insecure. Has anyone else been in this situation, or have advice on how to stop before I drive him away? I am so sick and tired of seeing her face on every myspace page, hearing her name in every conversation... I KNOW my boyfriend loves me but that crazy insecure side of me always nags at me, what if I'm wrong? How can I get this girl out of my head? I am trying to make counseling appointment but with my insurance it takes a long time and a lot of referrals. I had one in June but didn't feel that it helped at all... it was this 50-something male psychiatrist and I don't think he had the first clue about how to help a 24-year old woman with insecurity and relationship issues. He just said all the same stuff as everyone else-- "It's in the past, he's with you now, if he wanted to be with her he wouldn't be with you," etc etc. And he even said several times "I really don't see why this is a problem." No one seems to get that the issue isn't me worrying that my boyfriend wants to get back with her... at least when I'm thinking relatively rationally. It's something else, something I can't quite put in to words but am just desperately hoping someone out there understands and can help me out of this hell. I feel like I don't trust him even though I do. It doesn't make any sense, and it isn't fair to him because I feel like I'm always making him feel guilty for having a past. When the last thing I want to do is make him feel bad. He deserves so much better than that.Please, please help. I am just hoping against hope that someone has the magic words to snap me out of this nightmare so I can enjoy being in love and stop feeling so jealous and insecure.
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broke up, ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure, jealous, moved in, moved out, myspace, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ivanna22 +, writes (27 September 2006):
 If I were you I would worry about his ex if my boyfriend was still talking to her, but if they're not even talking anymore then I wouldn't feel insecure. You said you met him 8 months after they broke up, well that's a damn long as* time for him to get over her and realize she's not all that. A long time ago a boyfriend of mine broke up with me and now when I look back and think about the fact that I actually kissed that rat gives me so much nausea and makes me think, What was I thinking??? I can't believe I was actually with him!!! I'm soooo over him even thought he was the one who broke up with me. Well your boyfriend is probabbly just the same way with his ex. Please send me a message to let me know you read this meassage and let me know if it was a little helpful to you. Ok write back to me. And stop being paranoid. Enjoy the geat guy you have!!! Be happy he's not like 95% of men who cheat and are players and are just looking for sex!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2006): If I may say so, without offending you (maybe it will even make you laugh) you've done a wonderful job of piling up trouble for yourself. You have done this all by yourself, too. Congratulations!
Seriously though: Your boyfriend is with YOU; he isn't with her. He seems to have made it clear that you are the one he wants to be in relationship with.
It would be a good idea to stop reading Myspace! Perhaps don't hang around with all these other friends quite so much; find some different friends of your own. It won't hurt to sometimes have something else to do when they all get together! I'm not suggesting being unfriendly, or snubbing them, but perhaps you're going to be away on a weekend when they meet, maybe visting family, for instance - you said you moved to the area a couple of years ago, so it makes sense you might occasionally be gone.
You need to work on your sense of insecurity and self-esteem. You should have more trust in YOURSELF, and your own good, nice qualities as a person your boyfriend respects and cares about! Its not him; its you.
Nor can you be worrying about whether you're going to spoil his friendship with his ex! You're borrowing trouble by thinking up stuff like that to fret over! Keeping or not keeping his friendship with her is up to him.
Camille and Lostandalone have given you some good advice, too. I really hope that what you are reading from the three of us will help you lighten up on all this, and stop being so hard on yourself!
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male
reader, Lostandalone  +, writes (26 September 2006):
 Well asphodel,
That would be pretty tough to handle for anyone but it seems to me that people are giving you good advice and telling you the right things. You're not going to hear much different here. I'm sure you have talked with him about it and he has explained his love for you. You want someone to say some magic words to make you snap out of it. I don't think thats the case. I think you have to deal with these demons within yourself. I won't preach to you but you have to resolve these issues and let it go because apparently he doesn't want to let her go as a friend and why should he? Just think of it like this: You can always leave him and find someone else right but wouldn't that be defeating the purpose. You will have the same insecurities whether its someone else and someother thing. Relax and enjoy being in love. A lot of people would kill to have your problem. Good Luck.
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (26 September 2006):
 There are no magic words lovely. I'd feel the same. Sadly your counselling experience was appalling and that guy shoul dbe struck off. That was NOT counselling. Trust me, try to find a Conitive Therapist as this is more about already knowing the problem but wanting to break the habitual behaviour patterns. It may help. Now, in the meantime, just work on your self esteem. The situation isn't likely to change that much, but perhaps if you can ask that she's around less. The letter is unfortuante but you have to get it out of your mind. I think the biggest issue you have is that he lived with her quite quickly and yet won't have you move in. Try to flip it and see this as a positive. They didn't last and so he's wise to be taking it slow. 10 months isn't that long and maybe you'll have a better chance of going the distance this way too. I don't want to sound mean but I'd put money on the fact that you're not helping yourself by perpetuating your feelings by snooping (sorry, but reading the letter, is snooping), looking on myspace etc. Stop torturing yourself. I think you're fueling your fears. Because she's a main problem in your mind, you're focusing too much on her. Try and be strong. As much as you say everyone say the same, that's because what they're saying is a rational fact, it's true: he's with you. That's all that should matter. You need to teach yourself new reactions and practice the positives. But also, ask yourself if perhaps there could be a deep rooted reason for your insecurity and jealousy? Good Luck. ps Buying a new bed is reasonable, my boyfriend did that and I didn't ask, weirdly I had done the same! I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's great you love him and he loves you, but because of your negative feelings towards this situation, you sound like he can do no wrong. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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reader, asphodel +, writes (26 September 2006):
asphodel is verified as being by the original poster of the question To add a bit more (as if it weren't enough)... I occasionally wonder if I am getting in the way of their friendship. It is pretty much nonexistent at this point, and he doesn't seem to mind, but I know they planned to be friends and I hate feeling like he may resent me later for keeping them apart. Obviously, I don't really WANT them to be friends... but I don't want to get in the way of anything either. The last thing I want is to be a controlling girlfriend. And also I wanted to mention that lately she has been around a bit less, I'm not sure if that's coincidence or my boyfriend's doing or what, but it doesn't change much... it's like even though she isn't there physically, her presence is there in some way. Maybe I'm just crazy...
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