A
male
age
36-40,
*itch_jones
writes:My gf and I have been friends for 4 years, dating for 14 months now. Shw was recently diagnosed with cancer. She was really open about it at frist telling me about her fears, wanting me to be there for appointments etc. She started chimo treatments and now doesn't want be to be around. She says she doesn't want me to see her sick like that. I tried to explain to her that I want to be there for her. I don't care if I see her vomit, cry , lose her hair or what ever. I want to be there to hold her and tell her that I am there for her no matter what. I want to make her happy, if she doesn't want me around I know that it is her decesion,but I don't want her to think that I am walking away from her. How can I show her that I want to be there with out presuring her or adding more stress to her situation. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 April 2010):
 How is your girlfriend doing? I was just wondering about you and her outcome? All the best.
A
female
reader, ZakiJaye  +, writes (26 July 2009):
I have had a serious illness, and have beena loved one of some one with one.It is just as hard to see the concerned faces of those you love when you are sick as it is to watch someone be sick.
Everyone else is right, just make sure she knows you will do what ever she needs from you, You have to respect her wishes, if she doesn't want to see you dont upset her by forcing the issue, Text her, write her notes, send her things, dont concentrate on her health, dont continuously ask if she is ok. Talk about the things you would have before she was ill, it is so easy to concentrate on the problem and not the person.
Look after yourself aswell, you can't take care of someone else if you dont take care of yourself
Z x
...............................
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (25 July 2009):
 Oh my word, you have had some of the best advice going from some of the best aunts on this site I honestly didn't even know of the existence of the website that the lovely Tisha-1 has mentioned.
I have had both of my parents go through bowel cancer, mum had her op on Christmas Eve 08 but thankfully she never had to have any follow up chemo nor did my dad which seems to be the case in older patients.
However, I have a cousin who is only either late 30's early 40's and bless him he has been to hell and back and has as far as a I know just completed his second round of chemo. He had cancer of the tongue but it spread to the lymph glands and he had to have teeth removed and his jaw bone has been shaved several times to allow him to eat, he has to eat baby food more or less when he cannot hardly open his mouth. I have always offered my support and said I will be there for him but he said to me that even though he still lives at home with his parents, he really doesn't even want them around as he feels like hell and sitting in a room watching the horrible chemicals invading his body knowing the trauma that they are going to cause him is just too much to allow others to see and he has to concentrate on himself at that time and that I fully understand.
By letting her know you are there in all the small different ways that all the other aunts have suggested means that you are doing ALL you can right now. You are wonderful so don't ever think to yourself that you are not doing enough because you are. You are doing what she wants you to do and the practical every day little things are sometimes the things that help the most.
Telling her you love her and will always be there for her are the things she needs to know - knowing those things will hopefully help her have the strength to battle through this cancer with your love and support right there beside her.
Maybe suggest once she is in a place that is emotionally strong enough to talk about the future you could suggest a holiday to help her regain her strength and start to enjoy life again and she can chose the location. Something to look forward to instead of the doom and gloom she is facing day to day at the moment. But only when the time is right to suggest it.
If you ever just want to chat, we are here for you as well as it can drain your emotional levels to zero to, so don't forget yourself. Remember to eat and take care of yourself as you are no good to her if you let yourself go so you need to stay strong both physically and mentally and I know it is very easy to stop doing the normal day to day things when you are worried about a loved one OK.
Stay strong and our love and thoughts are with you both. The chemo will come to an end and things will start to look up again so take a little solace in those facts OK.
BFN
Country Woman
Love and hugs.
x
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2009):
One more thing, you are now technically a co-survivor. That means that you need support too. Sounds dopey, but there it is. Let people help you and support you too, don't put more stress on yourself by trying to solve everything. You can't.
In the most trite but true thing I say almost every day: you can only do what you can do.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 July 2009):
Oh you poor dears. I feel for you and your girlfriend, I have a close family member just getting through this process. It is sooo hard on everyone involved, it truly is.
I think the thing to recognize is that this cancer is about her, not about you or your relationship. I think the best thing you can do is support her in whatever decision she makes, and recognize that most of these are reversible decisions.
Chemo makes people exhausted and very very low and depressed. Just trying to be sociable can be too much of an effort. She probably also hates the fact that her appearance is changing so much and she has absolutely no control over it. It's devastating to a woman to lose her hair and her eyelashes and her eyebrows and feel sick and not be able to eat and suddenly have bones sticking out of flesh where there were curves before. The self-esteem goes in the toilet.
Honestly, I think you should let her know that you will do whatever it takes to get her through chemo. If that means walking her dog for her everyday, or running interference for her with friends, or shopping for ginger and foods that she can eat, WHATEVER, that you're willing to do it.
Don't make her feel pressured to see you, if you can at all help it. It's not that she doesn't love you, she does, it's just that she HATES where she is right now, and doesn't want to have you there too.
I have a suggestion for you, something you can do, with her permission, of course. Set up a site for her at www.caringbridge.org. It's a great way to let people know in an efficient way how things are going in the medical treatments. I did this for my family member, and I wrote the first few weeks of entries. Finally, the patient was able to take over and I think it was a healing thing. But you must ask her first. You give out the patient's site info to friends and family and they can check in there and see how things are going. They can also leave messages of support in the guestbook and you can upload photos if appropriate.
If she does let you do this, then you can keep in contact by phone and you'll have a good reason to touch base with her every day.
It's hard to realize what's going on in the head of someone who's going through chemo. We took my family member out for an outing and didn't realize how terrible the patient felt because of the lack of hair and the severely altered appearance. It's devastating.
With time, and with patience, your girlfriend will come to terms with what's happening to her. But for now, don't push her to do anything that will cause her more hurt or distress. She simply doesn't have the energy to deal with anything but that chemo and getting over the effects every day.
I send my very best wishes to you both and I hope her treatment is speedy, and successful.
xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): Gosh.. what a sweetheart.
It seems that you have already made it clear to her that you want to be there, but i'd say a good way to back off while being there for her, is to send her little reminder every couple days or so, that you're still thinking of her and you love her.
Like, sending flowers to her, for instance. or simple phone calls and leave her little noted before she wakes up in the morning so that they will be there upon her rising to start her day off a little better.. tell her about once a week or maybe twice that whenever she's ready to start letting you be there again, you're waiting and willing. Goodluck with this.. i'm very sorry to hear what you, her and everyone involved are going through.
Take care of yourself too.
~Sy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (25 July 2009):
 i think if she doesnt want you to stay around you need to respect it, and not add more stress to the situation.
text message her everyday telling her you love her, call her, send her flowers, gifts , keep doing this until she finally feels comfortable enough to see you again.
you both have to stick together through what is a tough time and not give up...
...............................
|
