A
male
age
41-50,
*iablo
writes:Hi,I am a 25 year old Australian guy who is still a virgin. I am wondering if this is normal. I consider myself to be good looking, intelligant ( I doing my doctorate in clinical psychology) and socially active. I was sexualy assaulted in my past and feel that this may be a type of psychological hurdle for me to hobble over to progress into the next stage of my life. I am facinated by interpersonal attraction but also find that some of the theories and techniques outlined in the literature with reference to interpersonal attraction to not seem to apply to me.Women are not attrated to me at all. They never seem to notice me. I understad to some this may seem very juvenile but please think about the fact that I had my innocence taken away from me at a very young age and am still reclaiming it to an extent. Therefore my understanding of this area is very limited indeed.Does anyone have some answers for me because my situation defies every study ever witten and all concievable logic in my opinion.I feel that the ebst years of my life are slipping away from me in a hurry in terms of relationships.[Moderator note: Which theories and techniques with reference to interpersonal attraction do not apply to you?? Please detail]
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2008): yea it is normal. i am in the same condition as you are , ppl will always tell to lighten up and well i think there are additional aspects to it, not just defense mechanisms but also the uncouncious guilt that leads ppl who went through something like that to feel guilty and to want to compensate for it. that way this aspect is located into some denial box in the brain and other fields - education, career etc are being developed in order to "compensate" for the fact u dont have some1 else in ure life and for ppl not to notice it.im not saying u should give up nor lighten up. but if u find a way to break that cycle of asking constantly what is wrong with u pls write an update.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Hi,
You're blog made me tear up because I too have realized why I am still a virgin, at 22. As a kid, my dad and I use to wrestle. This was all fine until I became a teenager and my breasts grew and I no longer felt comfortable doing this. I understand what you're feeling as I am still coping with my memories, which I'm not even sure what to call. Sexual abuse? Incest? I know that this has influenced me sexually and in pursuing men. I also know that, with time, we forgive ourselves and the people that have wronged us and begin thinking in a whole new light. I realize that it might be harder for guys because there is this constant pressure on you to have sex. I don't want to sound too direct but there is a reason why you've waited, as there is a reason why I've waited. I've forgiven my dad and no longer feel uncomfortable with the issue of sex or with my own body. This takes time, but if you can learn to forgive (not necessarily forget), you can take the next step to that experience.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 As a fellow clinical psychologist I think you have to take your professional hat off when thinking about your own life. You become in danger of living an 'evidence based' life otherwise. I would say not being sexually active at 25 is totally normal for some people - as another poster wrote what is 'normal'? Psychosocial theories of attraction and interpersonal relations have always made me smile - they are just that, theories. I think you may lack self confidence because of the past sexual abuse and you should seek specialist counselling for this (approach child protection agencies in your area for advice on adult services). I think you also have to put everything into context - you are in a higher education environment where you are meeting a certain type of person...I never found University's to be particularly good places to meet partners or best friends! I think that doing a doctorate is also a particularly lonely experience...well it was for me anyway! When you graduate, you may find that your opportunities to meet girls expand. I don't think you have to change...the right partner for you is one that accepts you the way you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): My boyfriend was a virgin at 26.I couldnt of asked for more. GOLD DUST!!!!
We are still together 7 years on :-)
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (1 November 2007):
I think its common for people who have been sexualy abused/assualted/raped etc when younger, to go from from exstreme to another when older. What I mean isoften they either have no self respect and sleep with amny people or, they dont get that close to anyone at all.
Did you ever seek professional help after being sexualy assaulted when you were a kid? If not then I suggest you do. It could be very well contributing to why you havent yet come close enough to a female to have sex with.
But even if thats not why...it couldnt hurt to talk to a professional about either of the issues of what happened to you in the past and/or what is happening now. Thats my advice to you...sorry couldnt be of much more help. You're talking about these theories and stuff which I know nothing about..thats hwy myabe a professional will be able to help you more. let us know how it goes, take care.
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A
female
reader, confused in WVa  +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Try asking a woman out for coffee or lunch? Begin at becoming friends with the opposite sex. Friendship can develope into a more rewarding relationship.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (1 November 2007):
 Hi,
What is normal!!
Its unusual that you havn't had sex at that age, but it doesnt make you abnormal does it?.
reading through you question, its seems to me that you are taking yourself a little to serious. I know you say that you were sexually asulted when you were young, and thats horrble. But there are many people that go through terrible things in life, and they have to get over it. You sound like a guy I know that has terrible trouble getting girl-friends. He is not that bad looking, and is quite well off. The trouble with him is that he never stops telling people, how well off he is and that the type of girl that he wants has to be of a certain size looks ect.
Basically, he is passing by, right under his nose what could be good, looking for the impossible. Not sure if this is what you mean, about yourself. But maybe you are trying to hard.
Stop worrying about it and enjoy your life, no-one is atracted to someone thats desperate.
XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2007): I think you should not worry so. If you had negative experience, you should understand that sex without feelings is nothing! So if You meet yours only one you won't need great sexual experience to impress her. You just need to be ready to learn, to feel, not to be scared of asking and doing. Women are understandable in such cases. We all have been virgin, and we know what it means! And you must remember, that it's better to spent these years without sex, than with something just like sex...I love sex? I really love sex,but you must do it with person you love...
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