A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, just wanted to share my story, and maybe get some advice, or new views on thisSo I can deal with the hurting…A year ago, I met a girl and we became rlly good friends. However, after a few weeks of hanging out a lot we started to get a more intimate relationship. I was quite surprised, I was already in love with her but never thought she would feel the same way about me. We grew closer and closer and I got to know more information about her life before she met me. I found out she had quite a history with her ex bf, one that didn’t treat her very well, but one she was on and off with for many years. I tried to treat her with all the respect and love, and I think I succeeded well in that. Months passed by, and sometimes I realised there was something that wasn’t quite right. For example, when we were alone, just the two of us, she showed me often that she loved me, u know the cuddling and kissing and stuff, but in public she always acted like we were just still friends. Sometimes I asked her if we were a couple officially now, but she always responded she didn’t know. This was strange to me cause I thought she rlly loved me and was in love with me. She told me she had a depression and a fear of commitment, which she never mentioned before. It rlly frightened me when she told me she didn’t know if we were a couple cause I thought we were heading in the good direction together. Sometimes I questioned her love for me, Especially when I found out she still went to see her ex every once in a while, she even asked me once if I found it ok that she remained good friends with him. It always gave me a bad feeling, not the fact she wanted to remain friends with him, but the fact I never knew where me and her were heading, in combination with all the stuff of her and the ex. After 5 months of being together I got rlly fed up with it ad we started to get arguments about it. Finally she decided that she didn’t feel the same way about me anymore and we couldn’t go on in a romantic way anymore. This was right at the time her ex found a new gf, however this I realised far later on. After a week she came back to me, claiming she felt rlly bad, and missed me much, and as I was still very much in love with her I took her “back”. Later I found out that in this week she had much contact with him, even got intimate with him whilst he had a new gf. Sometimes I think she only came back to me cuz he didn’t want her back but wanted to work things out with his new GF.We were “together” for 2 more months. Then all of a sudden she called me up and told me she couldn’t do this anymore, she felt rlly bad, knew she would gonna regret it, but she wanted to call it quits again. And boy, what a surprise, this happened just after the ex got single again.At that point I didn’t give those events much thoughts, maybe I was too much in love with her to see what was going on, I dunnow. For 5 months we kept in contact. In these months she was single, and often claimed that she missed me, still loved me, and so on. We even were intimate still. She later on said to me that she couldn’t be with me cause of her depression but she would come back to me when she got better, even asked me to wait for her. So I had much hope that we would get back together eventually. Some weeks ago it rlly looked like she was into me all over again, txting every day, showed much interest in hanging out with me again, we got more intimate again. However I found out she got in contact with her ex again as well, but I thought she knew better by this time cause when we hung out at this time, she complained about him much, that he still treated her badly and stuff. So I was being extra nice to her and hoped she would chose me for good this time. She even said to me she saw a future for us. Then all of a sudden she told me she felt rlly bad again, she said she felt guilty for giving me hope, cause she knew how much I was still in love with her. She said she couldn’t ask me to wait for her anymore cuz maybe I would wait for something that would never happen again. So I asked her why she felt guilty about us still hanging out, being intimate and stuff cause she told me she still loved me, and then finally she told me she was back with him again.I feel very bad about all this and sometimes I have very strong feelings of anger towards her. For a start, I feel like some sort of a rebound guy, Cause she never fully committed to me, and now that I think of all that happened I realise she may have been still in love with her ex all the time she spent with me. I lived in some kinda dream world the last few months, dwelling on hope cause all of her sweet words and deeds. I wonder why she would do this to me, she always claimed she loved me very much. Even the last few weeks of us spending time together she still gave me hope by being intimate, and talking about a future together, and by telling me how she was still in love with me and stuff. Later I found out she was already reconciling with the ex which means she cheated on him with me, and then I wonder why I always had to listen to her, complaining about him and why she was still hanging out with me every day, telling me she still loved me so much. Since she’s back with him and she never shows any interest in me anymore all of a sudden, although she told me that she sees me as her best friend and soulmate lol. Im just so mad, When its him, all of a sudden the fear of commitment is gone LOL.Oh boy, I feel so low and used, I loved her with all my heart, and I just don’t know what I meant for her, and where to place myself. The only thing she tells me when I ask for answers is that she was very confused about her feelings the last few weeks/months, but that she had a feeling that she has to try it with him again, for whatever reasons. I don’t dare to ask for more answers as why she strung me along for such a long time, and why she doesn’t spend time with me anymore as she claims that I’m her so called soulmate. I know this all must sound pathetic to you. Im just so confused and hurt
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best friend, get back together, her ex, kissing, soulmate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): I'm sorry but she's a mess. She's not good for you any more than her ex is good for her. It hurts but you need to move on. The world is full of people who are ALMOST great except for the one little habit of constantly going back to their ex. Tons of people would have the potential to be the best thing in the world, if only you could just delete some particular problem of theirs. But you can't do that. She's not really finished with him yet. She may not be finished with him for a long time.
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 I'm afraid that you were being used as a safety net, someone to fall back on when the ex wasn't interested. I think you had all the right qualities and she liked that about you, even cared about you, but for some reason she could never let go of her ex even though he treated her badly.
You know what, I would put this one down to experience, don't ever be lured into her bed again or this situation could go on and on and you could miss the opportunity of meeting and having a good relationship with someone else.
You should maybe cut all contact, I think you will always be drawn to her and this could cause you problems in the future, like a moth to the flame you will end up burning your wings time and time again. She's a no hoper, but you sound like a good guy, you deserve better.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Hi Hunny
This girl was so very confused and I would say that even though you did your very best to show her kindness and caring and love. That her depression was down to her situation with her ex and she couldnt stop having feelings for him even though he was not nice to her...It sounds as if she is hoping that he will change towards her and give her the respect and comfort she so desperatly needs from him to make her feel better. And although she cared about you hunny she just could not get him out of her mind hence why she would never truely commit to you and settle into a relationship with you...What she did was not very nice to you as friends dont treat each other this way, But she will probably have real problems with this guy and she may even try coming back to you one day sweetheart, So be prepared for this as this relationship is not a good one as she told you it could all go wrong and she may need her friend back...Although you really loved this girl and wanted something more I dont think she could ever really offer it as he was in the picture the whole time. So remember that if she does need a shoulder to cry on be very carefull how you react. Im sorry you have had all this pain hunny I would make sure you try very hard not to get in the same situation when things go wrong again. TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 It isnt pathetic. I know many guys and girls in your situation. She IS usuing you, ans stringing you along. You are her fallback guy, when things dont work out, she comes running to you. She fears being alone, so you are 2nd on her wish list. You need to cut contact with her for awhile, because that is feuling the fire. What you need to do (easier said than done) is find a different girl to hang out with. once she see's you losing intrest in her, she will be outraged in jealousy. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE! This girl you like is out for a challenge. She goes for her ex, because he is not attached to her, dosnt care if he has her, and she is attracted to that. She knows you are in love with her, are willing to wait for her, and she is turned off by it. Deep down she knows being with you is the right decision, but she is just too attracted to the challenge guy. You need to become the challenge. Stop chasing her. When she texts you, dont text back untill the next day, and tell her, "sorry, I was out getting wasted with some friends and we found this group of chiks to hang out with, and they kept us up all night. What up?" When she see's you out, gaining the intrest of other girls, she is going to do what she can to earn your intrest again, but even when she does, you need to play it off for a little longer. Crazy, yeah? Trust me, I've seen it all before, and sadly enough, I had a fall-back guy too. I regret the way I treated him now that I am mature, but the callenge is always more tempting. Good luck, be strong.
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A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 ooooh dear,
Thats awful, she is an awful awful woman. There is really not much I can say except I pity the man she is with. It sounds like you are a great guy and I am sure the perfect woman is just around the corner for you. Don't get sucked back in to her lies and traps.
Good luck
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