A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for 3 years now. It appears that every time there is a problem or I am not up to scratch, that instead of telling me what I have done or not done, she goes on date sites and talks to men. For the last year I have been stumbling across it, she sometimes lies about being on them, but more often she says it is me who sends her to them. I have left before, but she ends up knocking on my door in tears a week later. I always think I should pay her more attention, but she still ends up back on them. She says she does not intend meeting anyone else, so why the hell is she still on them then? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): Get rid of her then. By the sound of it, she would have got rid of you. It just so happens that she can`t get anyone to replace you with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): She`s still on them because she knows she will get you back if it does not work out for her. she has got nothing to lose because you are too afraid to end it with her.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (16 March 2012):
I think you would be better getting out it. If you dont then she will continue to abuse you so much, that you will end up just as screwed up as she is. She is immature and living in a dream world.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): One day she just may meet someone else through the date site and not follow you crying for your forgiveness. Keep your fingers crossed that its soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): People are not sent or driven to dating sites. They choose to go there. If they are in a relationship, then it is cheating and disrespect. She could end it, so why doesnt she? Make no mistake, your girlfriend is full of shit and is abusing you. Shut the door on her.
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male
reader, cg4eu  +, writes (15 March 2012):
I don't like to tell people this, but I think it's best for you to just move on.
It sounds like you are looking to settle and she is still unsure, problem is that you should value yourself just as much as she values herself. She isn't going to change in this respect, and you deserve to not live the rest of your life walking on egg shells. There are other women, find someone who is willing to try to communicate with you on whatever problems you come across.
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male
reader, FENNECH  +, writes (15 March 2012):
Its time you ignored her tears, just like she ignores your feelings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): The reason she gives for going to chat with men on dating sites is utter crap. She goes on them to either find herself some one new or to cheat on you. She even has the nerve to look for you because she hasnt been successful. She has no respect for you so leave her and have some respect for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I don't agree with what she is doing, and if it was a man most women would feel the way you feel about this. I don't think you are over-reacting. If she is not capable of talking things through it's not really a good sign for your relationship. It sounds a little immature her to be honest. How does she expect things to improve if she does not talk it through with you... whatever it is you do... either way it's a pretty lame excuse to go on chat sight. I would consider that a form of cheating, you don't know what emotional connection she could be forming with god knows who on those sights.
I would tell her either she needs to learn to communicate her problems with you in a mature manner or there would be no future with the relationship. That may sound harsh but two vital elements to a good relationship are communication and trust, it seems she can't communicate and well it's leaving you that you don't trust her, so yeah it is a bit of a problem.
I hope it works out for you.
Good luck.x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): She is manipulative. She is blaming you without any reason. If you are the reason she is going to the dating site then why is she still in relationship with you?. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Find a girl who knows your worth and who will appreciate having you in her life. Next time you find her on dating site, break up with her she deserves it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Tell her you dont want to stand in her way anymore and wish her luck with her date site. When she turns up crying, say youre sorry she hasnt had any success yet but keep on trying, then slam the door in her face. She is taking the piss. You are allowing her to. Be a man and tell her to f""k off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I think most everyone is right. She shouldn't be on those dating sites full stop! It's incredibly disrespectful and leads to distrust which should be the foundations of any relationship. You don't go on dating sites without the intention of meeting up. It sounds like communications broken down between you. If you decide to stay lay down some ground rules and follow through with everything you say.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): she is looking for someone else, that`s why she is still on dating sites. unless you dump her desperate ass, then for the rest of your life you will be with the girl that no one else wants to be with. you will be just as desperate as she is. any girl who is at least half decent, does not keep going on dating sites. she will go on them because she gets no other offers.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): Look at this how it really is. She wants to find someone else. She cannot be such a good catch otherwise she wouldnt be on dating sites. Even then she's not a hit because she comes back crying. Sorry bro, but get someone better and that means anyone, because no matter who you end up with it wont be worse. She is bad for the soul. Leave her to it, because she is the one no one else wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): I am sorry to hear about the situation, but you have driven her towards these websites / men. You need to realize that you don't 'own' her. She is a young beautiful princess, and has all the right to contact whom she wants. She told you already there is nothing serious there, but you apparently refuse to understand. Give the poor girl a break!
She goes there but she is still with you, right? You should count your blessings, but you are complaining!!! YOU caused this to happen. Blame yourself if you want to blame someone. Chances are she is looking now for someone who knows what he wants from life, who respects her, and appreciates the treasure she is. You chose to lose your own battle. I am sorry but you need to face the truth.
Good luck xxx
Emily
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): She is only with you because she carnt get anyone else. She is desperate,thats why she goes on dating sites.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): your girlfriend (if that is what you should be calling her) is so full of shit. she is with you because you are the only one who wants her. so sorry to break this to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): It has nothing to do with things being wrong in your relationship. It is to do with a desire to either cheat on you or find better. The chances are that she cannot do better and that is why she wont let go of you yet.
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (15 March 2012):
 She is with you only because no one else wants her. Face it!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 March 2012):
 If this is something she KEEPS doing, nothing will make her stop, so basically you have two choices:
Suck it up or end it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 March 2012):
 In reply to your only real question: "... so why the hell is she still on them then?"
It's because SHE likes the drama that you and she play.... and YOU haven't/won't put your foot down and told her, "I really like you, (her name here), but I detect that you're not very good at having a relationship with a real person - a man - who is in your company..... so, until/unless that (her behaviour) changes, I'm going to make my life elsewhere..."
Then, gather your belongings and move to another address..
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 March 2012):
 I think she is on there whenever you have problems because she is looking for her Plan B. Basically she is thinking "well this isnt working so I best start looking for my next man".
It is a horrible thing to do, she has no ability to communicate or deal with problems and clearly in her head the best way to deal with problems in relationships is to jump ship and move on to the next.
I bet the only reason she comes to you crying a week or so later is because none of the men on these dating sites are actually interested in her, or they are messing her around so she comes crawling back.
This is not a healthy relationship and she needs to get her act together if this is ever going to work. You are not driving her to these websites, she is driving herself to them and pushing you away. This wont last if she carries on like this, no relationship can work if one partner cannot communicate and looks for a quick escape every time you have an argument.
I think it has gotten to the point now where you really have to lay it on the line with her - she has to learn to talk to you when she has a problem and she can never go on a dating site ever again, otherwise it will be over for good. Explain that you want an adult relationship where you can talk about your problems when they arise, rather than going out with a child who lies and seeks solace with other men.
I'm not sure if this will work though, because you have been far too soft on her and she knows you are a push-over. She knows she can act like this and get away with it, all she has to do is turn on the water works and she gets her way. So you really have to mean it now, and if you find out she has been on them again that really has to be the end - no more going back.
You are wasting a lot of time with a girl who has no idea how to make a relationship work. So you really need to make it clear now that she either sorts herself out or that is the end of it and you want nothing more to do with her. She has played games for long enough now, time for her to grow up and get serious. Go to relationship counselling if needs be, that would at least get her to open up in front of you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): get out of this relationship. Her behavior is despicable on so many levels. if she has a problem with you, she should be upfront and tell you and work it out, or else leave the relationship if she has SUCH huge problems with you. instead she goes on dating sites and why? precisely because this is to get a reaction out of you to hurt you. this is manipulative and cowardly and immature. You don't want to be with someone like this.
the next time she goes on dating sites, break up with her for real and tell her it's because if she's on a dating site it shows she has already left this relationship so you're just making it official, you're just giving her what she apparently wants, right?
another option is to simply ignore it and do nothing and say nothing. she wants a reaction out of you, so don't give it to her. act like you don't know she's on dating sites, but if she goes further and starts dating around then this is for sure a universally accepted deal-breaker and you should break up with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (15 March 2012):
 Hunni, NOTHING you have done is a reason for cheating on you... yes going onto dating sites is cheating.
You need to draw some boundaries with your gf. Both of you attend relationship counselling and she needs to understand that she is being selfish and destructive to the relationship.
But then you must decide if this is going to be a dealbreaker for you.... how can you trust her..ever??? And trust is a huge part of a relationship.
Please dont take the blame for her visiting these sites, as she is trying to blame you for her selfishness.
If you dont want to be treated this way then you have to draw the line and cut off all contact with her... hard as it will be, with her behaviour sometime she is going to meet up with one of these guys on the dating site.... And then whats in it for you??? Lots of pain and heartache.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): She's got her head in the sand and doesn't have a clue how to communicate.
Next time you see her on dating sites,pull the plug out of the wall, turn the damn PC off and talk to her, tell her your not at all happy with the relationship as it is and definately not the dating sites.Ask her what she expects from you.
She's got you where she wants you at the moment, she turns on the waterworks and you go running back. Every time you forgive her she knows she can do as she pleases and you will forgive her.
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