A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a woman for six months. For the first 4, it was more or less normal. We both work in demanding jobs so it's taken a few months to spend enough time to become more emotionally intimate even though we've been sexually involved all along. Up until recently the sex has been good but pretty ordinary. One day last month she told me she had been raped in college. She was a little emotional so I let her talk and she ended up telling me the whole thing in graphic detail. She wasn't beat up but he made her have anal sex.Here's where it got weird. The next time we had sex, she said she wanted her arms held down. I felt strange but she got into it. The next time, she wanted that again and I kind of got into it and she said "you'd like to rape me, wouldn't you?" I was really turned on and said yes and she really got into it and started "resisting" without stopping. After I felt a little awkward but very turned on. Since then she keeps getting kinkier, always wanting to have me "rape" her during sex. It always feels weird but I've really started getting into it and she goes crazy. She even wanted to role play her real rape which was very exciting for both of us, especially the anal sex which I only had done once. Is this weird? I had a hard time with it at first but now it's a real turn on to "force" her to do what I want. I even find myself fantasizing about women at work submitting to me; I always found these women desirable but never thought about forcing myself on them.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): Are you looking for a long term relationship, or is this just short term for the sex?
That is important.
This is even more important.
"to role play her real rape"
She has not dealt with this rape, not yet. She's doing things that can desensitize her to the memory, and their are legitimate reasons to do this, but this is PROBABLY not the right way to do it. I say probably, because it is very tricky psychologically.
My partner was raped years ago, anally, after initial consensual vaginal intercourse, and to this day has "events" that can bring back "body memories" of this rape.
However, sex and replicating the rape can certainly use the "present acts" to overpower the "past acts memory", this is certainly not the correct psychologists way of describing this, I'm sure, but what it doesn't do is make it more manageable. It only smothers it and allows it to resurface in the relationship in other ways when things quiet down, that is when you aren't "acting out the rape".
Unfortunately, if you are doing this, then you sort of put on the face of a rapist during the act, and this (if you want a long term relationship) is not the person you want to be.
Counseling is needed, good long term and in depth counseling, in order to deal with the problem fully. Really, she may have had a lot of other issues that you don't know about, and if you want a long term thing here then you need to really get help for both of you.
Been there, lived it, and wish I'd known it all and gotten help early on.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 "I have been dating a woman for six months." "I even find myself fantasizing about women at work submitting to me; I always found these women desirable but never thought about forcing myself on them."
I ask myself 'what was I thinking about 7 months ago and what am I thinking about now?'
Rape is about violence. Do not walk away from this woman you are "dating", run!
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (20 February 2011):
 There's nothing wrong with fantasy and role-playing per se. But yours doesn't seem like a completely healthy fantasy. She is imagining herself being humiliated and violated, and you are going through the motions of subduing and forcing yourself on another. And now this fantasy is intruding upon your working hours, influencing the way you see other women.
Many will tell you that what you fantasize about doesn't matter since it's not real. But if that were true, then even fantasies about raping and murdering little children would be fine. Though your thoughts won't necessarily turn you into a rapist, they will make you into a person who dreams about rape, acts it out, and takes pleasure in others suffering.
I'd try to slowly steer your fantasy lives away from rape and violence. Doesn't mean you can't have rough and lively sex. But sex in the form of an attack, even simulated, will most likely be devoid of love and caring for each other. Do you always want to see your gf as your "victim" and have her regard you as a rapist?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): Asking her to rape you could be way of getting a handle on a dehumanizing event. If she can can simulate the past event with someone she loves and trusts, normalize it, and learn to enjoy it, then the pain of the real event diminishes in comparison. She may be addicted to reenacting that moment in an attempt to get a sense of control over it.
I'm not sure if that's healthy though, for either of you. For her, it may make it hard to ever enjoy sex colored with emotions other than agression and her own sense of powerlessness. Beyond indicating that she hasn't gotten over the assault, this can be kind of numbing.
And it's rubbing off on you. You now have become accustomed to and enjoy the sensation of making a woman powerless.
Rape fantasies are pretty common. So long as they are kept fantasies, I thnk it's normal. For you it's bleeding into your everyday life. If you become accustomed to it, it's hard to have other varieties of sex. For instance if you are tired one day, and you want to be the passive one and have her take the lead, or you just feel romantic and want to please her, you won't be able to. She won't know how to be aggressive and you won't know how to be tender. This can impact your future relationships with women as well.
A friend of mine had a girl friend who liked rough sex, she wanted her hair pulled very hard, and it became second nature to him. His next girl he was with was horrified after he tried it on her. He didn't mean to hurt her, he just had become accustomed to it.
I'm not saying you shouldn't live out the rape fantasy. I like aggression during sex from men and I like tension, but I'm not sure I would like that dynamic as the staple of a sexual relationship. Given her past, I think it probably has a lot to do with the fact that she still not at ease with what happened. Reenacting the rape is her attempt to make her self at ease. If you care about her, suggest counselling to talk about it.
On your end, perhaps suggest to her that you want her to be aggressive once in a while...or sometimes you just want to make it a bit more low key. Tell her you need some variety. Tell her it's rubbing off on you in a bad way and you have mixed feelings about reenacting something that obviously affected her so deeply.
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A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark +, writes (20 February 2011):
 No. It's not weird, lots of girls have these types of fantasies.
Being raped probably made her feel powerless. In a way, this is her taking back her power. Because in all reality, when you guys are roleplaying she's in charge.
The only thing I suggest though, is thinking up a safe word. Usually in rape scenarios theres going to be a lot of screaming of "STOP!" and "NO!" And well, it'd be hard to know if she actually means it. So think up a word completely unrelated to the scenario. Like, bananas, or Canada. So if she wants to stop, she can just say that.
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