A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Every girl dreams of the happy family and nice man that they will one day marry. We are taught from an early age that the Princess always ends up with the Handsome Prince. The scatty girl in the Rom-Com always finds her true love. Your best friends all have husbands who would walk to the ends of the earth for them. Except that at 31, I am single, alone and feel like that man will never appear in my life for me.It seems since I hit my 30's that as a single woman you just seem to disappear off the male radar. All my friends are married or in long term relationships and men seem to want women who are in their 20's. Now all people seem to ask is "so are you married yet" "are you seeing anyone" "is there anyone special in your life" and when I say I am single, they look at me in a pitiful way, and then utter things like "oh your biological clock must be ticking down now". Going to the numerous weddings that I am invited to is a torture. I have to smile, look happy, and pretend that I am ok, when inside I am screaming and lonely. Girls I used to babysit are now married when I am not. Internet dating was not successful, as it appears once you hit 30, and never been married, as a female you are either weird, fat, ugly or have some serious issues that makes you odd. There is obviously a terrible reason why I must not have been snapped up before now. Men of the same age are looking for younger women, and older men are also looking for younger women. My dating pool seems to be confined to the over 50's.Wanting to share my life with someone shouldn't be this depressing. Everyone always says that I should live my life for me and not for a man, but 9 times out of 10, these are people in happy relationships. They do not understand how lonely and empty it feels to be unwanted. They go home every night to a hug from their partner. I do not understand how it has all passed me by. I am not a bad person. I am kind, friendly, hard working, intelligent and like to think I have a personality. What did I do wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2015): well be glad you have had a boyfriend before, better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all
A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (29 April 2014):
 "Princess always ends up with the Handsome Prince. The scatty girl in the Rom-Com always finds her true love. Your best friends all have husbands who would walk to the ends of the earth for them."To be honest I think you have an idealistic view of love - the "perfect" couples everyone admires socially are usually the ones with no sex life, constant private arguments or issues hidden by a veil of loving, friendliness when at social gatherings. Rom Coms are feel good make believe where everyone has a perfect figure, lives in a stunning apartment, has amazing hair and fantastic sex. This isn't real life. As for everyone you know going home to a hug from a partner...I don't know many relationships over 30 like that. A few "perfect couples" where the woman goes home for a beating he would never tell anyone about, or going home to clean up while there layabout husbands sleep in front of the tv watching sport. im 36 (male) and I would not date a woman younger than 30. No way. Why would any MATURE, SENSIBLE man want a 20 year old partner? In our 30s we have (hopefully) achieved our career status through battles, disapointments and failures. We have battle scars from lifes slings and arrows. in our 20s we have optimism, the idealistic view that we can just acheive anything and that's why, generally, a couple where one half is 30 plus and the other is 25 minus don't really work. Unless the older person still sees the world through immature eyes. So lots of your mates are getting married? Well I bet you any money most of them are doing it for the wrong reasons! They are 30 plus and feel under pressure and happen to be in a relationship at the time so decide to kid themselves its the right thing to do. Give it a few more years and it will be your friends saying "when your over 40 and divorced people see you as a liability!"
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A
male
reader, methuselah +, writes (29 April 2014):
Hello,
I am just adding to the already helpful advice. You did and are doing nothing wrong. You see, some people simply don't meet the right person. Time, moment, chance, sometimes is denied us. It just doesn't happen for some people. For me, I never found the girl I was looking for when I was in my teens, 20's and 30's. I finally found a wonderful single mum when we were in our late 40's. For me I am happy. However, I was denied children, denied showing any children to my parents, aunts and uncles when I was younger. Love didn't come to my door when I was younger. It upsets me but sometimes, you simply don't meet that special person at the time you would hope.
But for you, 30 is still good and you can still find love now. Keep hoping, look for opportunities and hopefully you will find your Prince. God Bless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2014): You describe yourself as kind and yet you seem to have no consideration whatsoever for how any older woman reading your post might feel.If you are basically saying that it's all over once you hit 30 then imagine how women over 40 feel, reading your post, who are single and alone. Suicidal maybe? You have gotten into a rut with your thinking and possibly with the people you are coming into contact with. You may be depressed, because something is pulling all your thoughts into some highly negative core. I don't know why that is - whether there is one single reason or whether it is, as I say, that you are stuck in a rut.Anyway, with my 46 year old body and mind, I'm going to make myself coffee and start my day trying to not take to heart the implication of your post, which is that I and many other older women may as well crawl into a hole and die if we believe that love is still out there for us.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): My guess is that you want it so badly that it turns prospective boyfriends off. Men like the chase, you need to distance yourself emotionally from any man that you are interested in and play the game. I know this sounds dreadful but its what attracts a mate.
I am a male, 33, been single for a year following the end of a 5 year relationship. I would date an older woman so age shouldn't be the issue here. I wouldn't date anyone who had a boring life, lives with parents, has few friends, is "a little sad" etc, I want to date someone who is exciting and has stuff going on, I'm attracted to girls that are hard to meet/keep, rather than girls who are available 24/7 and make their feelings obvious, its a big turn off.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): Some men are intimidated by career women. But that is not the same thing as rejecting career women. I find that career women more often reject men without good careers. That is the women's choice.
Its like an overweight woman complaining that men only want skinny partners. That may be a valid complaint if she is getting rejected by men just as overweight as she is. Its not as valid if she rejects overweight men and then complains about getting rejected by skinny men.
I do not know if this is you or not. I am just pointing out something that I see being common with career women.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 "Another friend got engaged last week. I went round to see her, and all I had was the ring shoved in my face, and just a constant stream of wedding talk. I am happy that she is happy, I just wish she wouldn't rub it in. I came home and cried my eyes out because I just couldn't take any more."
--OP, of course she shoved the ring in your face and talked about her wedding. It was her big day. She wasn't trying to spite you or rub it in. It had nothing whatsoever to do with you at all. You should have been able to be happy for her in her moment of happiness. She wasn't trying to make you miserable. She was trying to let you share in her joy.
"I have never wanted one of those "fairy tale" weddings - personally I think they are total waste of time and money, and generally those that do focus more on the wedding than on the relationship."
- your post very much sounded like you truly desire the fairy tale. That was my immediate presumption. At least, that's how it came across to me.
"That dream is what is peddled as truth though, the ideal that all women should live up to - if you do not have that then somehow you have failed. I am fully aware that it is not reality, but still the facts are that most people do find a level of happiness with a significant other. And other women do judge you. Men don't realise how catty they can be about things like that. Men judge too - if you are long term single they think you must have something wrong with you."
-- Who cares what anyone else thinks or holds to be true? That's the whole point of being happy with yourself. That way, nothing anyone else has to say effects you at all. Or at least not this much. You're feeding too much into societal BS. You're placing too much of a value on what other people may or may not think of you, and you're becoming your own worst enemy.
I feel as though you're looking at things all wrong. As I said, it's human nature to want a partner. But not to the point where it's affecting you this drastically. Being single should make you this upset. I'm not married, and I'm 30. I couldn't care less. And if someone thinks it's weird .. they're an idiot. I don't have time to worry about what people who don't matter think of me.
Not everyone is happily married. Most are miserable. You do seem to have a diluded, fairy tale-like view of love and marriage. At least on paper and by what you've written. Cerberus is simply trying to point out what he's seeing. And I do agree with him.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 April 2014):
I feel as though you are fantacizing and romanticizing love and marriage. I completely understand that you want to get married. After all, human beings are social creatures by nature. However, not every single woman dreams of meeting the right man and having her fairy tale wedding. And even if they do dream of those things, 99% of them don't turn out to be that fairy tale they dreamed of. Relationships and marriage is hard work! And with the divorce rate sky high and failed relationships left hand right, try to keep in mind that being single isn't always so bad!! I know many friends who rushed into marriage and wish they could still be in your shoes! I think you're overlooking this factor.
I'm completely content with myself and my life. I do have a partner, but a part of what makes our relationship so good is that we both independently enjoy our lives and don't 'need' each others company - we desire/want each others company. We are both happy with our lives. Try to find your own happiness. It doesn't have to come from a man. In fact, it SHOULDN'T come from a man. It should come from inside.
I'm sure you'll find someone .. when the time is right. Until then, relax, and tell those people who make those idiotic comments to kiss your ass.
As a side note; women who come across desperate for marriage tend to run men off really quickly. Further perpetuating the 'problem.'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): I don't think you are right in thinking that all men only want women in their 20s. Even if they do, which is not so, women in their 20s will hardly look for men in their 40s.
Especially now when no one even gets married in their 20s anymore.
Then you are saying that men are threatened by women who have careers. That's completely ly opposite of what i see. Nowdays men are looking for independent women so they won't have to be a sole providers.
I think you are exaggerating things too much. You are still very young. There are still many years ahead of you to marry and have children.
There are plenty of men out there who are looking like yourself
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): Your wrong to assume every girl wants the fairytale wedding. I was engaged at 20 but called it off as i felt too young and wanted the whole college experience. I now have a career as a teacher and a beautiful 2 year old, as of marriage still not interested in marriage atm, I'm in my late 20s i enjoy my life as it is but enjoy spending time with my bf who's in his 40s but i never hint at marraige as we enjoy each others company without that pressure as well as enjoy our individual lifes, but my goal is to excel in my career and provide for my daughter. Sorry to sound harsh men can smell desperate a mile off, focus on yourself and career, hobbies, what you enjoy as when you come across happy within yourself, then you will come across attractive to others too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): Your friend wasn't trying to rub it in; she's allowed to be excited and wanted to share her excitement with you, her friend. It wasn't about you. It still isn't. If you can't handle being a part of it, ask her to find another friend to talk to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, again thank you for your comment. That dream is what is peddled as truth though, the ideal that all women should live up to - if you do not have that then somehow you have failed. I am fully aware that it is not reality, but still the facts are that most people do find a level of happiness with a significant other. And other women do judge you. Men don't realise how catty they can be about things like that. Men judge too - if you are long term single they think you must have something wrong with you.
You never see anything about the lonely career woman who ends up at the age of 60 with nothing to show for it but a nice bank balance and a certificate with some letters on.
And you are right - I did need to vent. Another friend got engaged last week. I went round to see her, and all I had was the ring shoved in my face, and just a constant stream of wedding talk. I am happy that she is happy, I just wish she wouldn't rub it in. I came home and cried my eyes out because I just couldn't take any more. I am a logical sensible woman, I don't understand WHY I feel like this but I do. It just aches to the centre of my body.
I did not intend to sound condescending, and for that I am sorry, but I was replying to your statement about how people were showing me how they were successful. The fact is the people telling me to live my life are not successful except in love and relationships.
If I could change how I feel I would. But I don't know how. Some days I am fine, I throw myself into work and life and just get on with it. I wish I could say I am happy never to have a man in my life. But then I have days like yesterday and it all hits home about how lonely I really am.
It scares me so much that I will get left on the shelf and that no man will ever want me the way they want all my friends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): I'm married, OP, but I've honestly never been lonely while single. I love my own company just as much as my wife's or any partner. In fact the best thing about my wife is that we can be alone, together if you know what I mean? She's the first woman I've been with in the long term where I feel as free as being single, to laze around and interact with no one after work.
I went home to an empty house when single and I have my dogs for company or I can spend the day playing games with my friends online, or head to a football match etc. I never had that loneliness and need while single, except for during break ups but that doesn't count.
OP I never implied you were an airhead. Reading your first paragraph really does put you in fantasy level delusion about romance and stuff, you talk about rom coms and stuff, and the fact you don't have that then is making you bitter. You don't acknowledge any of my points you just get defensive instead and take what I said the way you want and not how it was intended.
For someone so intelligent you really should analyse what you written on both your statements here and see the bitterness that comes out. There's nothing sexy about bitterness, and it's the same for someone who is so lonely as to make you lose faith in yourself this way.
I'm not to blame for the lack of childhood dream coming true, OP, yet you dismiss all the points I made and focus on defending your right to feel bitter and lonely.
Sure you have every right to feel hard done by, you have every right to think men just aren't into successful women but what I'm trying to tell you is that it is counter-productive to getting what you want. You take this whole thing far too seriously.
I'm always open to new opinions and can be wrong about a lot of things but when I say lonely women who are combative and bitter really are not that appealing to anyone except similarly difficult men, I don't think I'm wrong.
And I honestly don't get where those women's jobs have anything to do with their care free attitude about living for you.
My wife has a PhD and is very serious about her career, she has the same attitude.
Op she would be fine single, she was fine being single before we got together too.
It's just not worth being this important if it makes you this sad. You should try and figure out where that comes from and whether it's useful to you or a hindrance. Forget anything I say here and think to yourself whether your attitude towards this is doing you any favours, and then remember the words of those who actually know you and have told you to live for you. you saying they have lower paid jobs sounds just a tad condescending and you seem to be trying to quantify this whole thing empirically just to be right about your assertions.
You see you say relationships are just a bonus in life, that's exactly what they are to me, yet the difference is I've never been bitter about being single. I'm not needy, and it's not because I'm married it's because I know if I lost my wife somehow I'd eventually be fine again because being single is just not something that ever affects me in such a negative way. To me being single is just another state of being, it's not less or more than being in a relationship.
OP regardless of what you think of me or my opinion, please do look at it from an objective standpoint and see if there's anything you can take away from what I've said. If you were sure you had all the answers you wouldn't have come here, or did you only come here to vent?
Actually re-reading your question I think that's exactly why you're here and the fact you cherry picked my reply to attack only specific points without considering the others kind of confirms that to me. In that case, OP best of luck. Sometimes it's better to be wrong and happy than to stick staunchly to a veiwpoint that's only making you sad.
Maybe part of this is that you regret focussing solely on work and feel it's too late now or something?
I'm mid-30's a teacher, and I was on the dole when I met my wife first and was going nowhere in life. and I was very happy being that way until I figured out what it was I wanted to do. I conducted that relationship all the while working hard on getting my career.
Anyway, all the best, OP. Your attitude really is working against you here. Sounds like you'd rather be right about how unfair life, complete with evidence that proves that in your mind.
OP just enjoy your life and it will happen, be happy with you and try to be open minded about what you think is a "bonus" is.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (27 April 2014):
 If you had married young and had children there's no guarantee you would still be together.
As for what you did wrong, you probably didn't do anything wrong. You just clearly haven't met the man for you. Maybe your standards are too high and you don't give them a chance.
Maybe your look and wardrobe need an overhaul. Maybe you need to try out new hobbies or sports, buy a dog to walk ...
Unless somebody knows you well its hard to give advice.
Perhaps ask your best trusted friends to give their opinions or, better still,get them to introduce you to new men?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCerberus, thank you for your comment, but I think you have read me all wrong.
I have never wanted one of those "fairy tale" weddings - personally I think they are total waste of time and money, and generally those that do focus more on the wedding than on the relationship. For me it is all about the relationship and I would prefer to get married in a field.
For me it is the dream of a man to share my life with. Not perfection, just someone who understands ME.
I also work in an academic field, and I am not an airhead, so please do not label me as such. I have worked hard to get where I am now professionally, and I made sacrifices to get there. I focussed on work and now I am 31 with no relationship - your sisters were lucky to find men who were prepared to stand by them whilst they achieved their dream. I wasn't. My last long term relationship did not appreciate that I was more qualified than him.
It isn't just fairy airhead princess who feature in these romantic ideals, they often portray driven career women, who get the man - but in reality they don't. Men don't want that.
The people telling me that I should live for myself are mostly working in lower paid jobs. They did not continue to postgraduate degrees or into industry after uni. I do have friends who are in similar jobs to me - they are married, crucially they were married before they got where they are now.
I would like a relationship to enhance my life. Not to BE my life.
But I stand by my comment that once you hit 30, men are no longer interested. They want younger women. Not career women. Not well educated women.
I feel a failure because other people MAKE me feel like that. They rub their good luck in your face.
I don't know if you are in a relationship Cerberus, but coming home to no one IS lonely. Not being able to share, talk about your day, laugh at things that have happened. Yes, you can do that with friends, but as I said, they are all attached, they don't want me hanging about getting in the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): What did you do wrong? You believed all that fairytale shit and have been chasing a fantasy, striving to attain your dream man.
Not every girl dreams that, most I know dreamed of a career, success and seeing the world. Only one of my three sisters has the "dream wedding" fantasy, the other two never gave it much thought at all. My wife is similar, always dreamt of being a scientist, making a difference and seeing the most weird and wonderful places in the world. A man was the least of their considerations and because of that they've had long term relationships since their teens, one of them is still with their childhood sweetheart. Because none of them care whether they have a man or not.
You have this all wrong. You're assuming that these people are only saying live for you because of some kind of "it's easy for them to say; they're in relationships" thing. What you don't get is they're trying to tell you how they are successful. Because the trick really is to live for you. The trick is not to put so importance on men and above all not link us with your confidence and self-esteem.
Of course women like that do often get lucky but they rarely have good relationships, the ones that do never gave it as much importance as to make them sad, lonely and depressed.
I'm sorry, OP, but very few of us guys want that kind of desperate, needy 'I live for men and want my dream man', woman. I don't want to date a woman who is lonely and depressed, I want a piece of a woman who is free, independent, confident and happy, I want to know her secret, I want to share some of that, I want it to rub off on me, I want to be proud to show her off and know that I have to work to keep her. I want to feel like I've hit the jackpot, not feel like she's only settled for me because she's desperate and needy.
I don't want some desperate woman who is sad going to weddings and feels like a failure because others have something she doesn't have, that kind of woman is a chore and frankly relationships with them are nightmare because they are so insecure and worried about ruining things that they generally always do. Or their insecurity makes them paranoid and you get accused of doing things all the time. Or you constantly have to pander to their worries.
What have you to offer me that's in any way fun? Nothing but neediness if I actually manage to live up to your lofty standards of "mr. right" in the first place. But then how do I know you're not just settling out of desperation and as soon as you realise being with me isn't as perfect as in your dreams that you won't just end up using the confidence you get from having a man to find someone better and who more closely matches your dream?
OP come back down to earth and snap out of this fantasy world you live in. We men are right here but we're not looking for a woman who is sad and needy. We're looking for one who loves her life, loves being her and lives for herself.
I mean can you seriously say you want a guy like you? Would you honestly date a guy with no confidence who is desperate and needy? Then what you makes you think being that way is going to get you "Mr. Right"?
You're in danger of just settling for the first guy who pays you proper attention and "seems" nice, that is if and after you've stopped setting your standards so high.
So listen to your friends, live for you. Enjoy the freedom you have that those of us in relationships sometimes miss, that's what attracts us, OP, and at 31 with the age range you're going for that's what men like the most.
get rid of the idea that you need us, get rid of this loneliness you feel because you have no reason to with a good family and friends who love you.
Above all get rid of this doom-monger crap, OP, you're only 31. You have between 60-70 years of life left to lead, you have no reason to panic.
You need to start having faith in yourself and focussing your energies on you and enjoying the life you have. Do that and guys will take notice, you'll stand out from the crowd, you'll have that certain something that makes you really interesting to us.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I am also 31 and have been single for 4 years now. I know what you are talking about (weddings, stupid condescending questions about my love life etc.). But you possibly didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes, life isn't all roses and some good men our age might be in a phase of indecision at the moment.
You can do one of two things: 1) Pity yourself, give up, stay at home and say all good men are taken anyway.. or 2) Become active, spontaneous and playful (and don't make your happiness completely depend on mens' attention).
I am about to give up that whole princess-crap dream. If I like a guy, I tell him and I don't wait for him to swoon me. I am bisexual and I'm not shy to try it with a woman, again. If people annoy me with their pity, I remind myself of the 50% divorce rate and that they might not be so self-righteous a few years from now. I also remind myself of the freedom to become a single mother if I want to.
Bottom line is: YOU are a strong, free woman and you have to fight to make yourself happy. People who are scared of being lonely, who are secretly jealous of your lifestyle or just ignorant will keep on saying stupid things. You can't avoid that but take it with grace and develop witty responses to mindless questions.
I got a special little advice for you: If couples annoy you with their show-off happiness, casually tell them a great story about your last fun weekend ( advice 2: please have some fun at weekends) and then ask them where they like to go out and party nowadays.. usually, there will be instant silence and shameful looks to the ground!
Yes, I am 31 and guess what.. I still have fun while they are stuck on the couch and absorbed in their boring weekend-brunch routine. I rub that in their faces if they become too condescending - it helps :). By the way, it may also work with devoted mothers who won't stop talking about breastfeeding and the joys of motherhood.
Remind people that there's always two sides to every coin and that your "single" life has its' huge advantages. You don't have to hide or justify yourself. You are perfectly fine.
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