A
female
age
41-50,
*svixen
writes:OK, so here goes. I am a 32 yr old professional, husband's 29, we've been married for 2 years now. We're middle class, life is good (in terms of friendship, employment, money etc.), we earn enough to live onHowever, in the last few weeks the sexual side of our marriage has been lacking, he's been wanting sex less often, but depression doesn't seem to be a cause.He just seems a little obsessed with bills and how to save money, we don't underspend or overspend, when we're in bed I try to talk intimately to him, but it gets overshadowed by talk about bills and retirement investments, or planning for the family Christmas but surely there's a time and a place to talk about such things, not in bed when I'm wearing my sexiest lingerie trying to seduce him? Isn't there a time and a place to discuss such things?He has no issues at work, no stress from work so I can't understand why he does this. I did try asking him in a calm open and honest manner but he said it's impossible not to worry about bills the way the world is today.I want sexual intimacy but refuse to take a lover as that's crossing a line too far,it's cheating at the end of the day, but I think it's this mini-obsession with bills that has killed his passion for me, I'll be honest I've never said I'm not in the mood to him.I suspect but can't be certain that because we didn't live together before marriage is why he's worried, he's probably not used to living together as a couple.What can I do. Need some advice thanks.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (28 April 2014):
 When you are next in bed together... and YOU think that things are leading up to you "getting a little" from him... you say to him: "Hunchy bunchy, I'm trying to make it clear to you that I expect a little nik-nik AND a little more from you... tonight. I didn't wear this uber-hot, frilly nightgown to take the trash out, tomorrow morning!!! So.... If'n you think that you can side-track me by bringing up your inhibitions about paying bills and affording next winter's vacation.... I suggest that you shut the F**k up, and make your manhood available to me... 'cuz I need some lovin'...and YOU are going to provide it... Is that PERFECTLY CLEAR???? 'Cuz, if it's not... (perfectly clear), then I know a few guys who would LOVE to play around in my vaginal playground... and I'm not averse to making it available to THEM if YOU don't know how to handle it, when YOUR woman throws herself at you!!!!! Understand??????"
That should lead either to: He figures out that you want a little from him.... OR, you get with one of your guy-frineds and get what hubby doesn't seem to know how to give you, at home... Simple, no????
Good luck...
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 I have discovered that when a (responsible) man marries one of his natural instincts is to provide and secure the families financial future... Here he starts to take on more stress and worry of being a provider to his wife and household. They start to see and figure things out differently to us. Perhaps you have such a man who thinks this way? I commend him of thinking of the future... But not for taking this discussion into the bedroom as foreplay!
The place for discussion is at the dinner table which you should listen to his concerns and take an interest in the goals he may have for you both, make practical suggests and any necessary cuts if applicable, or simply get him to talk with a financial planner pending on your needs and circumstances... Yet it sounds like he could still worry because it’s in ‘his’ nature to do so. Hence his comment; “it’s impossible not to worry about the bills the way the world is today.”
Sure enough no one can win against the worries of the world today, but we can prepare and still live in the now and appreciate a time and a place for intimacy etc. Here he will need to be assured that you support him in his struggles and be lovingly made aware that it is not acceptable to bring these worries into the bedroom as foreplay, but afterwards it’s another matter. There has to be a balance and you’ll have to steer him on the right course!
CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): My partner was an attorney. He passed away seven years ago.
We were financially comfortable; but he couldn't seem to leave his work at his desk. He sat in bed with his laptop, typing away.
He was concerned and over-focused about his cases as though he didn't have other associates, or legal assistants, at his disposal. So life was like we lived in his law office.
I had the advantage of knowing him before he passed the bar; even while he was an undergrad. He was a fun-loving very secure person. The thing about us men, is we are expected to be good providers and we also have to prove to other men that we are competitive at what we do.
Someone younger or smarter can be pretty intimidating. Keeping an eye on economic trends and consistently being informed keeps you on your toes, and can be pretty stressful. He is stressed out, and he doesn't know how to shut it off. So you have your work cut out for you. Been there and done that. My partner was the Type-A achiever.
That was no easy feat. He was cranky and stubborn.
Here's what I did to resolve this problem. I am a professional also, but a lot more lay-back than my partner ever was. He had to be one-step ahead of everything; and he had to have all the answers. It turned him into a robot. He was also very dismissive when we had conversations. I was supposed to listen, not talk. Seriously?!!
You have to catch them the minute they come home, and cross that threshold.
Set aside time to discuss work, how your days went, and get him to unload unromantic crap as you're both preparing dinner.
Save something for him to do, don't do it all yourself. Let him prepare the salad, or get the wine glasses; keep him distracted. If you don't, he'll stay in business-mode. It takes time to ease your way out of it. I was a little like that myself. Always concerned that the bills are paid ahead, there is a cushion to fall back on; but it was in-case anything unforeseen should happen due to the unpredictable economy.
He watched the news or some business-related broadcast, the stock exchange, and was always linked to the Law Library. That kept him on pins and needles. So I had to bring him down. Untie the knots. We didn't get home at exactly the same time. I tried to beat him home when I could. So I had to leave a honey-do list or call him and find out what time he was getting home. I had to plot strategy around his schedule. Which was far more sporadic than my own.
I programmed relaxing music on the stereo, set out snacks to nibble on when he walked in, if he got there first.
I called ahead and told him to take a bubble-bath; or walk the dog before he settled in. I had to distract him or he would be in business-mode 24/7.
I found that was also my own therapy; because I could be a fuss-budget about spending. So you have to be creative and beat him to it. I filed the bills in the file-drawer before he got to them, mainly because I prefer to handle the finances. He'd call billing customer service; and bitch over every little penny that didn't make sense (cents). Even if there's nothing he could do about it; and it was clearly not an over-charge. Just his way of letting them know not to screw with this guy.
Tell him before bed, we will not discuss business. Then promise him something special as a reward. I mean something really special!
Then the next time; it's his turn to do the same for you. You have to train him, or he's going to run on the same business-program he was linked into when his day started.
The idea is to steal his mind from finances and worries.
Force him to relax. Clear his head. Distract him long before bedtime. By bedtime it's too late. You have to keep his hands busy. If you don't, he'll start thinking.
Ask for a back-rub or a foot-massage. Give him a scalp massage. Have you seen one of those cool head-scratcher massage-thingies that looks like a whisk? That thing is worth every penny. You might also have to sexually-attack him as he comes in the door, or while he's in the shower.
You have to be a sexual predator, and catch him when you can. It takes creativity, imagination, and determination.
He's programmed for business, and you have to teach him how to unwind. That will take time.
It took me about a year or so; then we became gym-partners and that was like icing on the cake. It increases the testosterone level; and gives a second-wind after a good workout. Then sit in a the hot-tub or sauna. Heaven!
I'm sure other women will give you better ideas. Being a gay man, I know it from both sides.
Good luck!
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