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Our LDR is stalling after 3 years. Do I stay with him, or look for someone else?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 16 February 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I`ve been in relationship with someone for 3 years.

I want to settle down and enjoy life together but he's happy the way it is

We don't live together. We live 50 miles away from each other.

I'm 50 now i want someone to grow old with and share life together.

Do i stay with him or look for someone else?

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (16 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou are right you should put yourself first. If he is not willing to live together after three years then its simply not enough for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thankyou all for your advice i dont drive so have to rely on busses and the train.I did`nt start dating until i was 42 when i was younger i was too shy and quiet then i looked after my dad after my mam died.I felt like i was ready to find someone to settle down with but things dont always work out as i`ve found out its time for me to put myself first and be happy because life is too short.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2017):

Are you HAPPY with this arrangement?

Do you feel the same way you did three years ago when it began? Or have your feelings now changed?

It seems to me that you are not happy and that your feelings have changed and you require more time and commitment from your barely there long distance boyfriend.

Nothing wrong with that. After a while, it becomes tiresome always waiting around for somebody who is not as committed as you are. And when you see yourself on two different pages, you begin to resent them and question your investment in this relationship. Because it is no longer meeting your needs for intimacy and having someone there to build a life with. At first, you rush in because it is new and exciting but in time, it's no longer enough and you are left longing for more. And feeling empty and like you are missing out. You pretend all is okay but you continue the façade because he's the devil you know but what if you never find anybody else? Lots of buts... Nobody wants to be alone but you are alone, anyway.

LDR's can be very lonely and isolating. And unless you are good with a FWB thing or you are an extremely independent type or commitment phobe, most people would eventually no longer be able to handle the distance when they begin to crave more and mover intimacy from their partner, who seems happy not to change the situation. Likely, one enjoys the carnal benefits while the other has fallen in love.

So, you need to do what is best for you. If you are committed to the path of moving forward with or without him, you need to be honest and give him an opportunity to step up. If he does not, you can make it clear that this relationship has now run its course and you are seeking a full time life partner.

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A male reader, WickedPoet United States +, writes (13 February 2017):

WickedPoet agony auntI basically agree with the other aunts. Long distance is what you feel and is not measured by a yardstick. You say he is happy with the way things are. You don't say how you know this. Is this a conclusion you have reached because he has not done anything to change things or have you actively discussed this issue and, being aware of your needs, he expresses contentment with the status quo. I am asking because you have three years invested in this. It might be worth it to have this conversation and either get a firm commitment or walk away knowing you gave it your best shot. You do have a right to your own happiness as you define it. He may have become complacent and is now taking things for granted that you will just defer your own happiness indefinitely. It might be that his needs are being met as things are and if you push for more it will drive him away. In that case your direction is clear. You leave. If however he is simply unaware of your unhappiness it might be worth it to discuss it seriously and honestly. It might prompt him to step up and meet your needs but set a timetable. You are both mature adults. Best of luck to you.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (13 February 2017):

So Very Confused is absolutely right! If you feel like moving on, follow your heart. This guy has made no effort to move closer, you have invested three long years of your life; and now you desire more.

It might be hard to consider 50 miles long-distance; unless you don't drive, or it's a major inconvenience for you.

I will just presume that you're just tired of waiting to see if this guy wants to take things to the next level. You want someone to settle-down and grow old with. You want someone to marry, and actually live together.

If he's happy as it is, and you're not. Listen to yourself, not him. He has no power or control over your decisions. If he isn't giving you what you want and deserve; dump him, and go find it!

You are responsible for the pursuit of your own happiness. You don't wait for other people to change their minds, or get around to giving you what you want and need. Life is too short!

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (13 February 2017):

So_Very_Confused agony auntLDRs have a time limit.

3 years is about it.

50 miles around here is sometimes a daily commute so it would not be considered LDR in some cases.

IF he is happy the way it is and you are not then yes it's time to end it.

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