A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have issues with my daughter marrying.Not her partner, but her motivations for marrying him.Our daughter's 19, and her boyfriend's 22, she told us she's fairly wealthy - we had no idea when we met him, in fact he lives in a fairly normal apartment with a group of other people his age, and is an engineering student. She told me she proposed to him 4 weeks ago and he said yes - he told me privately he felt railroaded into saying yes, but went along with it to avoid upsetting her.We'd always taught our children [2 daughters] to marry for love, rather than money or material things - i.e. basically don't marry someone just because they're wealthy - and now my daughter's gone against this.The guy's lovely, polite, helpful and kind - like our daughter is [or rather has stopped being] - and our daughter.Her boyfriend isn't flashy about his wealth, he's downplayed it, he always told us he was middle-class until our daughter told us how seriously wealthy he was.I'll be honest, I'm concerned about both of them, and I need help, not in trying to stop the marriage, but in how to handle this situation.My wife is stressed and worried over this and told me she feels low thinking about the whole situation.She's insistent she will marry him for his money, he doesn't know that, and we as a family are worried about the situation, so where can we go next from here. All advice is appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Dont interfere, you will risk losing her. She is an adult and you have done your job bringing her up and advising her. This is one path she needs to walk alone. Did it occur to anyone that she may have been burnt with love and decided its not everything to her. She just might want security and a good future , I dont see the crime in it. If thats where her happiness lies, be supportive and be happy for her. Any this BF is 23 surely can make his own decision to marry or not marry her.
You want to risk losing your daughter, her trust, then go ahead and interfere.
A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 October 2012):
Give her your opinion on it. You cannot protect her from doing what she ends up doing, but you sure as hell can give her a piece of your mind and hope it gets through her thick skull.
For starters, she's naive if she thinks all that money (=family money, there's no way he could be so rich by himself) is going to be spent on her. Her bf may not see through her but his family will and if they're smart people they'll secure the money out of her reach regardless of what they think of her. Rich people know money is best not left in the hands of the young, especially when said youth suddenly gets a marriage proposal. You may want to tell her that and also tell her you're disappointed in her lack of morals. And then let her go and fall on her face.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Explain to her how you feel. Rehearse what you want to tell her ahead of time. Have this discussion once, have it thoroughly, and then LET THE ISSUE DROP after that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): The issue here is not that your daughter is marrying for money, or that her boyfriend feels railroaded into it and isn't being completely true to himself. These are issues, but they aren't YOUR issues. Your issue, as you acknowledge yourself, is that you don't know how to handle the situation. Your issue is also that you don't know how to support your daughter even in circumstances where she makes choices that you wouldn't make, or where her values are markedly different from your own values. These things are tough as a parent, especially at the age where she is moving from being dependant to being independant, whilst not having reached full maturity which only comes later in a person's 20s or even 30's. Moving into the role of letting her make her own decisions and mistakes is not totally familiar territory when it comes to the big decisions, until now you have had a hand in all of these things for her, but that is no longer the case. The best course of action is to treat her like the adult she is. If you don't agree with her, tell her, be straight, but give her the same rights that you have as adults, to express her view and to be different to you. If you think she is making a mistake you can tell her, and you can explain why, but there is wisdom in offering your support and love through whatever choices she makes. She is going to make them anyway, you may as well be on her side. Stay honest and true to yourself, in relating to your daughter, and you will encourage her to do the same with you and your partner.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): you need to learn to let go and stay out of your daughter's life now that she is an adult. yes she is making a terrible mistake but it's her right to do make the mistake. Yes her poor fiance is making a terrible decision in allowing himself to be pressured into marriage for his money but it's his right to make that mistake too. there is something very wrong between the two of them if she only wants his money and he's either oblivious to that fact or knows it and somehow is still going along.but hey, they are adults, and adults make mistakes too. But since they are adults that means you have NO RIGHT to interfere in their decisions since they are not hurting anyone except themselves.what you CAN do, is to not contribute a single cent towards the wedding. She's certainly welcome to proceed with her marriage if she wants, just as you're welcome not to participate in something you disapprove ofon moral grounds.If it's YOUR money, she is NOT entitled to it just because she is getting married. Therefore, you can express your displeasure by choosing not to spend YOUR money on a wedding you disagree with. And she has every right to continue on with her marriage against your will, just that it will have to be on her own terms meaning she has to fund it herself (most likely she will get her fiance to foot the bill, in which case it's his responsibility how he wants to handle his money and relationship and decisions). That seems fair to me to everyone involved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 October 2012):
 I would suggest that the two of them do some PRE-marital counseling.
And just because he said yes to marrying doesn't mean there will BE a wedding between the two of them.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 I think at some point people need to make their own mistakes. You can't put a helmet on them and protect them from their stupid selves... They need to learn on their own. Just be there when things come crashing down.
For all we know they might never make it to the altar, or maybe he'll insist on a pre-nup that means she wont get any money of they divorce.. Who knows where this might end up. All I can say is that if this boyfriend of hers is naive enough to trust your daughter, then they deserve each other. If anything I feel sorry for this chap, sounds like your daughter is a back-alley cat who will manage just fine in life without any protection. It's this poor boyfriend of hers that needs an eye-opener.
Then again, financial stability always has been, and always will be, one great reason for why people get married.
Option A: Let them sort this out between themselves, and let life teach them what they need to learn without interfering.
Option B: Tell the boyfriend the truth, preferably at a social gathering with tons of other people/family members present.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): Generations ago women married for money because men were the sole breadwinners. The practice stopped being acceptable when women got equal rights.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
 it's true EWO... my parents were very specific with my first husband about the lack of access to the trust funds... which BTW they did not tell him about till he wanted to marry me...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2012): If he has already confided that he has felt railroaded into a proposal then I would have a private talk with him that he needs to talk to her about how he really feels about her proposing to him.I would suggest to him that he gets a prenupital agreement and an estate agreement plus a will drawn up even though he is still young. Let him know that by him doing this he may lose herYour daughter will probably have a different reaction once she learns she has to sign these documents and call everything off.Unfortunately, despite your best intentions you have a gold digger daughter on your hands. It's not fair to this nice young man and he needs guidance in seeing what she is really after.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 October 2012):
 The very wealthy know that if they are going to stay that way they must be very careful, especially when it comes to marriage. I'll bet his parents will be making sure the money is guarded. Have you met his family? Has your daughter?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
She's 19 he's 22. I assume it's FAMILY money...
it's simple... have him make sure if he marries before the age of 30 his parents disown him. OR at least make sure that your daughter knows that there are no family funds available to her if she marries him.
he needs to make sure she knows that there will not be access to the family money...
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