A
male
age
22-25,
*ourglass776
writes:So as of recently, a very close friend of mine ive known online brought me intobhis group of friends he has know for a while. Amongst those friends were a couple that were online dating for about 6 months prior to me meeting them. Ill name of them Richard and the other Molly. Ive been spending alot of time in this online friends group, almost their chatting with them in a routine schedule around 2pm in the day since may. So Ive gotten to know them pretty well.Skip forward to a few weeks ago and Richard has something in real life tgingsbhe taking care of so he stop showing up as of End of august and says he wont be back till next year. This has a profound impact on His relationship with Molly. Molly and him have broken up a few weeks after he left due him not being some what faithful. From what im told by molly richard broke up with her cause he found some one irl he liked then it didnt work out so he crawled back to her. She didnt accept or trust him right away and so she wanted to wait a bit but now hes given up on her in a chase of a secret admirer that he mentioned in the group chat where she could see it. (To clarify, he mentioned he got candy from some random girl she confronted him on why he would say that so publicly and something like that and He blew her off by saying Life moves on.) Now that brings that back to me.Ever sense this went down she has come to me for support asking what she should do and talking to me about how she feels about the situation. Ive been trying to be good friend and give her vague answers enough to guide her to her own decisions. Though not too long after the break up she and chatting she says she has a crush on me.Ive never been turned off by the idea of dating some one online but im worried that its not okay to date some one who is going through a break up so soon. I told her i appreciate the feelings but i dont want her to mix up her emotions for a companion with our friendship. I do enjoy her company and all but i dont want to take advantage of her position right now. Can i get some opinions about this?
View related questions:
a break, broke up, crush Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2020): My friend, the point wasn't to be harsh or critical of Molly; but to make you more cautious about dating someone who just broke-up, and could be on the rebound. This is as much for her good as yours!
People who are hurt or rejected aren't themselves; they are in pain. It's odd she chooses someone out of the group, who knows her ex. You don't know every side of Molly, so you should be more objective; or you might be taking advantage of her vulnerabilities. Being shy or quiet doesn't make you nice; you can be quiet or shy, and still be sneaky or manipulative.
In any event, it is too soon for her to be dating anybody. It will cause drama, because you admitted her ex is hassling her. That's the drama I warned you about! Give her time and space to regroup and sort her feelings. Otherwise, you will find yourself caught-up in a triangle; while she's still dealing with her post-breakup drama.
A
male
reader, hourglass776 +, writes (19 October 2020):
hourglass776 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank you guys for answer. I read all your answers a dozen times each. Im not going to date her any time soon. Maybe some time in a year or so maybe if im even feeling up for it but as of right now I havent even considered it. Some of you are really kind of harsh about her though i dont doubt thats from some kind of experience. She isnt the drama queen i seem to have made her out to be. She more of the quiet girl who isnt too sure of what to do so she ran to the closetest person she could and begged for help.Though i do think she revealed her crush on me too soon almost like she hoped this would happen so she could tell me. I promise i wont date for the time being untill i feel like its Okay to even date her. Not to mention my friend has been harrassing her to get back together he has since stopped doing that from what i am told. If you have anymore questions about whats going on please dont be afraid to ask
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2020): Molly only recently broke-up with her boyfriend; so there is going to be some lingering feelings and post-breakup drama. Molly is also setting the stage for even more drama, by coming-on to someone within the group. That is likely to get back to her ex. He claims he will be back next-year; but he'll be monitoring Molly's social media, and everyone she's in-contact with. It's inevitable, and totally predictable.
I'd keep my distance from Molly, revenge-dating while on the rebound is nothing but trouble. You can remain friends, but steer clear of post-breakup drama. If she'll do that to Richard, she'll do it to you; and that would break your heart, if you get attached. Bro-code alone should make you stay in the neutral-zone; while all this breakup stuff blows-over. It's all too convenient that she suddenly takes a shining to you; so soon after breaking-up with Richard. Even worse, she might be trying to make Richard jealous; and only using you!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2020): It’s never a good idea to date someone fresh out of a relationship. I know because I have been there. You will just be someone to fill a void. The fact that she is using you for emotional support at the moment proves that. You are an internet friend. She could talk to anyone in her life about this. She is using you to fill an emotional void that is absent from her ex. She can’t talk to him about it so is turning to you. Some people fresh out relationship jump into another relationship to fill an emotional void. Some sleep around to fill a physical void. All in all it’s a void. Your either a shoulder to cry on or a hole to put your penis into (or vise versa). When people start dating and are making a good impression you leave all your emotional baggage at the door. The fact that she isn’t shows she is still hung up on her ex and enjoys the support you give her more than you. You will find that her ‘problems’ will dominate the conversation. You will not talk that much about you or about anything else. You think you are ‘connecting’ because she can tell you ‘anything’ and is so open and honest with you. But you are giving her what she wants and eventually she will get bored. Woman don’t want a man that gives her everything she wants - it comes across as desperate and needy and a doormat. The fact that you so desperately wanted her and waited for her while she pinned over her ex. It’s not attractive. It devalues you. You will think you are connecting when all she can think about is her ex. She won’t see it the way you do as she has no space for you in her head - her ex is occupying all of it. She will compare everything you do and say to her ex. She will be talking to you but thinking of him. Not only that but he was unfaithful to her - that is an extra blow. Her self esteem is probably shot to pieces at the moment. She probably feels not good enough, rejected, angry that he could do that to her. Those feelings don’t go away over night. They take a looonnggg time to process alone. She looks to you to make herself feel better. She knows you secretly like her and I bet you tell her you do too, and how amazing she is and pretty she is and how she deserves better and he was horrible for treating her that way. She likes hearing that and will keep coming back to you to make herself feel better. It really has nothing to do with you and all about her. You could be any man she knows likes her. This is all subconscious btw and she probably doesn’t realise what she doing. But it will not end well for you. I’m sure that’s not what you want from a relationship. Again I learnt this the hard way. If I were you I would stay away from a relationship with this girl for at least a year. Set boundaries on your friendship. DO NOT be her emotional support because she will think you are weak and you will eventually be friend zoned for good. By all means be her friend but you are not a girlfriend, and if you don’t want to be one then don’t act like it. A woman needs to respect a man to find him attractive. If you act like a doormat ans try and fix all her problems she will not respect you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 October 2020):
 I would NOT get involved with this girl in any kind of relationship, stick to being her friend.
She has some pretty weak boundaries for how she lets other people treat her especially this "Richard". My guess would be that the minute he gets bored with this "secret" admirer and hits her up, she will take him back. She seems young and immature and... DESPERATE to have a BF.
My advice? If you want to date and have a GF, FIND someone who lives close enough that you can spend time IN person. Online is OK for friendship but it's RARELY ever fulfilling to "date" someone you can't spend time with in person. You might THINK you know them, but in reality they can very much only show you the things they WANT you to see or make things SEEM like one thing (like with Richard being a dick, which he probably is, but it also invokes your inner "white knight" thinking she NEEDS you and your help. If you get my point there).
Being her friend and giving her the kind of advice where SHE is getting "food for thought" and she is making the decisions is probably better in the long run.
Don't be someone's rebound.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (4 October 2020):
 You sound like a very kind and mature guy, especially given your age. Trust your gut instinct on this. The girl is hurting because not only was her ex unfaithful, but he was also publicly unkind to her as revenge for her refusing to take him back. He is a douche but it will take her time to realize that without feeling hurt.
The last thing you want is to be involved in a rebound relationship. In case you are tempted, a rebound relationship is one which makes you feel better about yourself but which is never going to last. You deserve better.
I would advise you to keep doing what you are doing, guiding her to make wise choices while, at the same time, guarding your own heart. Don't fell for her and let your feelings overrule your gut instinct.
Good luck. You are a lovely friend.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (4 October 2020):
 I think what you did was totally correct, telling her you don't want mix up her emotions for a companion with your friendship, this shows maturity.
So many people come out of a relationship and straight back into another relationship way to soon. Rebound relationships invarible never work out. Its so important to give dating a break and have some serious me time, to work on one's self and not enter into a relationship until your 100% over a past relationship.
You have made it clear to her your not willing to embark on a relationship with her at this stage, and i think further down the line she will appreciate this.
Keep being there for her, chat to like her like you have been doing and keep being supportive.
A few months down the line, or however long it takes for her to arrive in a place to start dating again, you will both be a far better position to take things forward.
If there is the chance of a true meaningful relationship it will be well worth the wait.
...............................
|
