A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together for a year weve only started fighting the last couple of months, and its always over the same thing...or the same person i should say. basically when i first started talking to him before we were dating he was sleeping with his best friend and another girl. anyway since the day we started dating, neither of these two girls have been happy with the outcome. and for the first couple of months they backed off. however one of them, the one that used to be his best friend, has been texting him and wanting to meet up with him and stuff.... i dont trust her, shes a very very shady girl. shes in love with my boyfriend and has gone through dozens of guys trying to find what she had with my boyfriend, but nothing compares to him. ive had NUMEROUS people ring and call me and warn me of this shady girl and her behaviour, but i suspected most of this already. especially since she slept with him 2 days after he got out of a 5 year relationship a year and a half ago. Ive never been able to deal with there friendship because i know its not innocent on her part. i hate going on facebook and seeing her calling him babe and saying how she misses him and everything when she doesnt even say that to her 'boyfriends'. then tonight, i log onto facebook to see a picture of her all cuddled up against my boyfriend. way to close for comfort for me. They seriously look like a couple, and he wont even get couple photos with me.it doesnt help her caption reads " the one that means the most 3" The only reason i wasnt there tonight to keep an eye on her was because im stuck at home increadibly sick :c i can never seem to deal with her and her obsession with MY boyfriend. i seriously think maybe i need counselling or something to help me with what to do or how to deal? because i just have no clue how to handle this. its causing so SO many problems for us, its all we fight about and he says he considers breaking up with me because it happens so often. help
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 March 2012):
 Is the problem really the girl? Or is it your boyfriend? Because its one thing to be concerned about an obsessive ex., its another thing to constantly have to keep a tab on her. Is your B/f even half as concerned? And who are these "numerous" people who've told you about this girl? Most people really couldnt be bothered you know.
What does your B/f have to say about all this? Since he is the centre of attention here, what is his stand? You haven't mentioned much about him at all, its just about your insecurities and how he refuses to take couple's pictures with you and is threatening to break up with you because of all the fights.
The problem isn't the girl OP, the problem is your B/f and his attitude and you know it, you just don't want to accept it. You say its not innocent on her part, but who cares if its innocent or not if your B/f isn't interested? You keep wording everything like its the girl's fault exclusively,
"she slept with him 2 days after he got out of a 5 year relationship a year and a half ago"
"...calling him babe and saying how she misses him"
"all cuddled up against my boyfriend. Way to close for comfort for me"
Let me tell you something, it takes two to have sex, SHE didnt have sex with your B/f, THEY had sex. He CHOSE to have sex with her, its not just a one sided thing. Secondly if your B/f had a problem with the girl calling him "babe" on Facebook, he would have blocked her and deleted her off his list, her post wouldn't be there for the world to see. And thirdly, again, it takes two to cuddle OP, your B/f cuddled up against her as much as she did with him. You know it all, you dont want to accept it and that is why you are just trying to project your anger on to the girl.
If you really trust your boyfriend, you shouldn't have to keep an eye on anyone. Somewhere deep down you are worried that HIS intentions are not clear and you dont trust the two of them together, but your obsessiveness for for B/f is not letting you admit that. If you were secure in your relationship, none of the girl's antics would have mattered.
You most definitely need counselling, and you need to reconsider this relationship.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): You may be his girlfriend but he's willing to give you up over her. He wants his cake and to eat it too and plans to keep things that way until you complain too much...then he'll cut you loose and continue to have sex with her like he has been. All the signs are there and she accepts him fooling around and doesn't need the label of gf and bf. I'd dump him, he's obviously up to no good and has been since you've been with him. Maybe he tried to cut her off in the first couple of months with you but he's back on the saddle now.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2012): As janniepeg says:
"This shady girl is someone with issues. She thinks she doesn't deserve an honest true relationship. She thinks that the only way to get happiness is to steal it from somebody, to prove that she is better than others."
Advance apologies to janniepeg for borrowing her quote to describe someone else I see as being in the same exact identical situation:
OP, you are someone with issues. You think you don't deserve an honest true relationship. You think that the only way to get happiness is to steal it from somebody, to prove that you are better than others.
That explains why you went after this scumbag when you knew was already "sleeping with his best friend and another girl", so you could prove you were better than two girls at once.
Your "boyfriend" may be an amoral disgusting pig but he's also an expert manipulator, and he's masterfully playing the two of you against each other like a four-armed violinist. He can string the both of you along from now until doomsday knowing you'll always blame her while he uses the threat of "breaking up" to keep you in line.
"maybe i need counselling or something to help me with what to do or how to deal? because i just have no clue how to handle this."
I agree completely except for one word: "maybe." You definitely and desperately need counselling, otherwise you will continue to serve as his doormat to be used and disrespected and degraded at his convenience.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 I think it's somewhat problematic that he's more willing to be defensive of her than to honor your feelings on this. some of you may be jealous or paranoid--which i think is natural after so many people tell you to watch out for someone! How often do they see each other? and is it in big groups or small? has he ever agreed to not see her as much for your sake, or does he always dismiss your feelings? I agree that girls should respect their best friend's choices to not be with them. Likewise, your boyfriend should have the respect for you to not touch another woman the same way he would touch His woman, even if they were physically close like this at one point, once he committed himself to you that should be the only one. he's feeding into her disrespecting what you two have not only by behaving this way but then denying your feelings and making threats on the future of the relationship. I think if he can't treat her more like a friend and distance himself from her a bit then you actually should break up with him.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 March 2012):
 If your boyfriend does not see why that upsets you you should let him go. There are many things he could have done, out of respect for you, which is to block her on facebook, creat a new private account. None of that is hard to do. Your boyfriend decides this attention from the girl, the flattery he gets, is more important than your feelings. This shady girl is someone with issues. She thinks she doesn't deserve an honest true relationship. She thinks that the only way to get happiness is to steal it from somebody, to prove that she is better than others.
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