A
female
age
30-35,
*rock24
writes:I have had a boyfriend since highschool six almost seven years. We have a daughter together, and in the first 5 years of our relationship I was in shape and fit and he was chunky. Now the tables have turned and he is the one in shape and im the chunky one. Well when he was chunky I never said anything to him i just loved him the way he was, but now that I am heavier he make comments to me and trys to say its for my health like i am benefiting from him telling me these hurtful things. It has killed our sex life I don't know if I can get over what he has said to me, but the thing is I don't have a problem with the way I look. Problem is he doesn't, should I just move on to someone who will love me for me or stay with someone who loves me for who I used to be?
View related questions:
move on, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, brock24 +, writes (17 March 2014):
brock24 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for your advice it was very helpful!!! :)
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 March 2014):
 IF he kept his (big) mouth shut, and never told you how he felt... it's reasonable that you and he might have gone on indefinitely.... AND he would have found you less attractive (with your added pounds)... AND your sex/intimate life would have taken some giant steps backward, and you would have WONDERED: "What's up with him?" Good news: Now, you KNOW "what's up" with him... and can make informed decisions....
IF he thinks that you are always going to be that 16 year old pixie that he was able to get to put out in the back seat of his '56 Chevy... then he is in for a rude awakening... ESPECIALLY when he gets in to his 50's!!!!!
YOU can do no more than to tell him that his remarks are hurtful.... that you are STILL that same girl who put out in the back of his Chevy.... AND that you still COULD love him, IF he chose NOT to act like such an a$$....
BUT, that, if he thinks that physical appearance is all that matters in life.... AND you don't seem to fit his mold, THEN you are content to go your separate ways..... and YOU will find a real gentleman who isn't so appearance obsessed.... and he can keep looking for those hot pixies that he want(ed) you to be.....
YOU will succeed in your search FAR MORE than he will, in his search. Small consolation... but WILL keep you from going stir-crazy asking yourself, "What's wrong with ME?" when the answer is "Nothing."
Good luck...
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 I have written this thinking there is something to what your boyfriend says about being concerned about your health. Just a few extra kilo's don't make anyone concerned. But if you have become overweight there IS reason to be concerned, and you should not ignore this and think it is normal. In USA there are so many overweight people, that people have become blind to what is normal weight. Being over weight is not healthy or normal, even if you don't have a problem with your weight yourself, and even if everyone else around you are bigger than you.
Based on what you write to us, he does love you for who you are, even if you have gained weight. It's not the same as when he was fat. He looked like that when you got together, and he got into shape and took care of his health, while you have done the opposite. Now, I realize it's not at all nice to hear these things from him, but have you thought about why he says this to you?
If he didn't love you and didn't care, he could have just left you for someone else. He stays, and he is encouraging you to take care of your health. That is what you're telling us. He is looking after you.
Should you leave? If you do not love him, and you do not want to be in a relationship with him, then leave. That is your choice. But you will still be the weight you are, even if you leave, you will still not be healthy, and the "problem" will not be solved. You will just have ignored it. Maybe you will find someone else who "loves you the way you are", but is it really love when they just ignore your weight and possible health risks? Is that really love? To ignore the health of your partner?
There is a big difference between accepting someone for who they are, and NEGLECTING your partner and not caring about them or their health. If you find a boyfriend who doesn't say anything about your health, do you really think that is love? Because that to me is not love. He might not say anything, but how is that love? It is much more probably just him being conflict shy, or not caring about your health. That's not love.
You need to look at what you want in life and what you're asking for. Do you want someone who loves you? I think you already have it. Do you want someone who accepts you for who you are? You already have it. Do you want someone who cares about you? You have it. Accepting who you are is NOT the same as accepting you not taking care of yourself.
If your boyfriend became a drug addict, would you accept it as a "part of who he is"? So how is you not taking care of yourself supposed to be "part of who you are"?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): Hi sweetie,I can understand your anger here and you have every right to be so.. I also get the fact it's not your weight that's making you not sleep with him but the horrid comments he has made, that have made you distances yourself emotionally and physically from him..Here's what I suggest.. Pick a relaxed evening, get the little one to bed.. Sit down with him and bring out the old album with all his stocky, chunky pictures... Tell him.. Physically then.. He wasn't your type per-say .. But you fell in love with his humour and his charm, and the way his eyes lit up at seeing you, you saw what was beneath the little chubby ness.. So why can't he... Why can't he .. Still see you..What would happen if you were sick, lost all your hair, so he just becomes unattracted to you.. Being with someone is taking them in good times and bad, through thick and thin .. It's about sharing, caring, supporting, the other person..He seems to me, to have gotten an ego with losing the weight .. Then pop it, sweetie.. I'm a mental health nurse, and I promote good health and education .. I am myself slim but I put on weight after having our babies sometimes two sizes, up as I had lot of fluid retention etc plus was ill post eclampsia .. After they were around 18 months I started working at getting my weight back to what it was.. Maybe your like me, I was so caught up with the baby the house etc, I came last haha .. When your ready you will want to shift the extra pounds.. For you.. For the sake of being fit for your child .. Etc .. But, I get the ' he needs to love me, for how I am ' as surely he should.. As surely you did him .. Bring out the album, talk try and resolve, if he doesn't like it ( poo him ) and tell him straight how horrid he is being.. Call him up on it ..
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 March 2014):
 I think it's the typical guy approach. He still loves you but he was MORE attracted to you when you were fitter.
I would say it's up to you to decide if you agree or not. You say you are OK with how you look now, yet you let it interfere with your intimacy, so are you REALLY OK with being "chunky" as you call it?
I would talk to him and tell him how IT makes you feel. If he can't accept that you are OK with you then maybe you two aren't a great match any more.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (16 March 2014):
 If a person can't love you no matter what you look like, then is it worth being around them, while they make you feel like something is wrong with you and that you are not good enough? Sweetheart, if he does not find you attractive, there are lots of other men out there who will. Let him know that. Get angry and indignant with him. He has no right to tell you that you are not good enough, even when it pertains to physical beauty. Life brings many changes and challenges to our body: Disfigurements due to accidents, weight gain due to pregnancy, weight loss due to disease. Does this mean that if you don't maintain your high school figure, he's going to nag you until you hate yourself and hate your body? That is not good for your self esteem. Stand up for yourself and know that you deserve better than this. He has no right to make you feel that you are not good enough. No person has a right to make you feel that way.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2014): He still loves you he just doesn't find you sexually attractive, and he's trying, albeit in a clumsy way to make you realise that if you keep fit more and get in better shape it'll do wonders for your marriage as he will be sexually attracted to you again.
...............................
|
