A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Is there anyone out there in a relationship with someone who has an OCD. I have just started a new relationship and she has told me about hers. I have read a bit about them but don’t fully understand the implications yet. I will read more over the next week. Hers is with keeping clean (showering a few times a day, washing hands often and washing clothes every day) in addition to that she has to keep checking the doors and windows are locked before leaving the house.I was just wondering can an OCD affect the relationship and to what extent?Is an OCD something that can be cured or taken to a point where it doesn’t take over her thoughts as much?I am falling for this woman more each time I see her, I realise its early days and no one can ever be perfect (not even me). Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (25 August 2010):
 Thanks Birdy. Was it your brother that had this OCD you are talking about? If he had that and cancer too that must have been really tough for ALL of you. I am in a much better place now having put my husband out of the house, but unfortunately he looks as though he is having a break down when he called in last night, He feels very guilty about the way he has been and the effect it has had on our lives, and that also is very sad, but he still is making no moves to get help, which is sadder still. ?Thankfully I have returned to Al-Anon, a 12 step programme all about handing things over to a higher power who can do far more than we can. So I pray for him all the time and I know he does the same for me. Tough love is very hard, but for the sake of my own health I have to do this. I really send good wishes to any one involved with any poor souls going through the tortures of mental health. It doesn't mean they are bad or unloving, I know my husband certainly isn't, in fact he's a very sensitive man and loves me very much in his own way. Like I said, all we can do is pray ......
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 My husband has suffered from OCD since the birth of our first child, somehow that triggered it. He needs to someone to double check when he's driving to make sure he hasn't caused an accident, or hit a pedestrian, if he's driving alone he will backtrack over his route to make sure there aren't dead bodies strewn all over the road. True. In the early years it was worse because if there were any fatal traffic deaths on the news he would worry whether he was somehow involved so we had to keep track of the mileage on the cars so he could use that as his alibi. Now that he's older it hasn't been anywhere near as bad. He did have panic attacks on occasion and now those two have faded. He's had medication which helps and therapy which really didn't do a whole lot.
I heard there were some studies that linked OCD to having strep throat as a child.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 From what you have described, she has a very mild form of OCD and that is fortunate for you both, anon.
If my relative was 15 minutes late - we would have thought he was on time!!! He would be 1 to 3 hours late, consistently. We took to moving the time up in order to get him places on time; but he figured this out...
He had a 'creative' job so he could work his 'own' hours, so no one noticed the hours he kept - usually 11 until 8 or 9; then he would stay up all night. He would take showers that lasted an hour. He had lists all over the table; and once he wrote something down, something in his brain committed him to follow that list... (Why?) (Or else what?) (He wouldn't have done it perfectly?) (...I could never figure out he was so rigid about these timetable in his mind.) I once traveled with him and he stated that we should start out at 7am tomorrow; then he got out a list of people who he needed to write postcards to and wrote (in the same room with the lights on) until 5am. He also would have seizures (another medical issue) if he didn't get enough sleep, but insisted on doing the driving; so although he was intelligent, this internal OCD force made him override his common sense (but I know how to hide an alarm clock).
His mania about completing things that he felt were tasks that needed to be done overrode everyone else's schedules and timeframes, leading to dried out Christmas turkeys and cranky 5 year olds waiting for events to begin. Deena, my heart goes out to you. I didn't figure this out for years; and once I read this information, it all clicked into place. I lost my brother to cancer a few years ago, he was a charming; charismatic and funny guy; and he definitely had the latter disorder; and I can't help but wonder how different his life would have been if he hadn't. I hope things work out for you, Deena, and I think that the writers girlfriend has a very compassionate man in her corner. Best of Luck. And yes, no one is perfect. :' )
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 August 2010):
 Seems like hers is VERY mild. As long as you are both aware of it and work WITH IT/AROUND IT you can be just fine. She should try counseling again. Not many counselors are actually very knowledgeable in this, because of the huge variation in symptoms and rituals. So she really need to find one who KNOWS what she/he is doing.
I can see why an abusive relationship made it worse, it makes total sense. OCD is partly about control. When you do your rituals you are in control, even if you feel it can be out of control. Hard to describe really.
All I can say is, counselling was great for me. I had was about to give up my favorite thing due to OCD, horseback riding/jumping, with counselling I could continue though I unfortunately developed other rituals involving the day to day care of my horse. He had probably the cleanest stall in the stables. So all in all, not a horrible thing.
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 August 2010):
 You might like to know that some scientists believe that what we now call OCD, in the past, say with the Mayflower families, being OCD was a form of survival. Those who were more focused, diligent, single minded in their care and pursuits, survived better than those who did not.
You sure wouldn't want your Brain Surgeon to be devoid of obsessive, focused control, rigid in rules and procedures, skilled repetitive behaviors! In other words sometimes a person's strengths can actually be their weaknesses. OCD is a form of coping and survival skills that have no become maladaptive if in the extreme in our modern society.
There really is no easay answer to your question, but if her OCD is about taking frequent showers and hand washing and being late to appointments, if it isn't controlling her life or you, then I would say it is pretty mild and is not part of a larger personality disorder which is not changeable or really treatable. There are medications for OCD that alleviate some of the symptoms.
You will probably see the more the relationship progresses, how simple decisions such as what restaurant to eat at may take a painful amount of time for her to decide, or if you try to rush her out of her comfort zone of habits, she may get very irritable and angry at you...
I mean there is going to be a prevasive pattern of what most people call stubborness and perhaps even selfishness to some degree...but most people without any sort of condition are still creatures of habit and have behaviors that are at times in conflict with other's behaviors or ideas or goals.
I would just be very aware and ask her if she has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, as that will be all the more challenging for you and your relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): I have a mild case of OCD which comes out at night. I have a nightly routine which I have to do several times. OCD people can have relationships.
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (16 August 2010):
Oh birdy that is so interesting. I just wrote a great long reply and somehow it disappeared before I got it on here, and then I saw your reply which makes a lot of sense to me. My husband, who I've just parted from a month ago, has an ocd which manifests through food, so I call it an ed (eating disorder). He goes in and out of denial about this and says no one can help him. I've found ed groups, counsellors and hospital treatment for him and he just says no one can help. Now I see from your reply that that is the signs of a personality disorder, which makes perfect sense. What I would say to the writer is just be very careful. It can be very destructive. My world got smaller and smaller as he refuses to eat in fewer and fewer places, and doesn't even eat at home any more. That means no eating out, no holidays, no weekends away, not even visiting friends houses. It also means I have to do everything alone, and though I am doing that now, its different from choice than being controlled, because thats what these disorders do, they control your life as well as the person afflicted, and yes you become as sick as they do as you try to appease, help, worry, fear and also try to control, and the cycle goes round and round. I married my man not knowing he had this disroder. It was very well hidden. What I would say to the writer of the question is this - you are already having doubts, thats good. You are questioning something you know is not quite right, you're sub-conscious is warning you, just like mine tried to when I couldn't quite get to grips with some things that didn't make sense, but hey ho, I had no proof so I went ahead anyway, and now I have a broken heart because he refuses to get help and actually told me last night it doesn't bother him to have this illness, nor that it hurts me. He's happy in his own way, so I have to go find happiness in mine. All I know is its pulled my health down, made me very sad and unhappy and is one of the hardest things I've done in my life to let go of someone I love so much. However, we also have culture differences and unfortunately in his culture what a woman says is not so important anyway, though having read birdy's post I think it may be more to do with the personality disorder. He has also had internet addictions and other stuff too, so yes sounds like complete personality disorder. Thanks Birdy, and sorry to the writer. Personally - and I know no one is perfect, I've had anxiety disorders all my life so I know what I'm talking about - but I've read, sought help, had counselling, done everything I can to help myself and I try my hardest not to even bring my stuff up - I would not get involved with anyone unless they were seeking help and were working some kind of help programme, otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a lot of pain and heartache. Also please read Melody Beattie's Co-dependent No More, it explains a great deal as to why we get involved with certain people in the first place. I wish you lots of luck and love and hope you make the right decision. Love and blessings xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply birdynumnums.
She seems to be well aware she has the OCD. She told me about it on our second date. I am just glad she was able to trust me enough to tell me about it.
She is able to leave the house but it will make her slightly late for appointments or work. generally this is about 5 or 10 minutes late.
If we need to be somewhere on time, I just tell her the start time is sooner than what it is and that works.
She will also go for a shower while I am at her house, but always lets me know before hand so I don’t think she is ignoring me.
That takes her about 15 minutes, I have noticed after she has showered and changed she will come down stairs then wash her hands again but then she seems fine for the rest of the evening.
She doesn’t seem to have any issues with being intimate and in close contact with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply Honeypie.
It's good to read your words and know there can be hope for a long term relationship and future with this woman.
She has seen a counceler in the past but it never helped.
She had a verbally abusive relationship about 5 years ago that lasted for 7 years (her ex boyfriend would drink too much) she said that made the OCD worse.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (16 August 2010):
From what I have read, there are two different kinds of OCD; it sounds like your girlfriend has a treatable OCD; the other is OCD Personality Disorder.
If she also is entirely self-focused, has never been able to get out of the house because her need to focus on her patterns of behavior make her hours late for everything and keeps NO track of time; she might have OCD personality disorder; which apparently isn't treatable.
Therapy can help OCD; but if you do find that she may have the latter; the OCD Personality Disorder, well - I watched a family member who had this personality disorder - it took quite a toll on the spouse and the children who had to grow up and become the adults because one parent was more or less absent for them.
I might add that someone with OCD can recognize their behavior and can seek treatment, but someone who has the OCD Personality Disorder would never recognize this in their own behaviors, never seek treatment and never trust anyone else's judgement or counseling - so they can't be talked out of their own little world.
Sorry if these explanations throw cold water onto things, but people form relationships hopefully with the intent to form bonds and family, and these are decisions that should be made with the head and the heart; with eyes wide open while making their choices!
Obviously people who have OCD can become great partners and parents - but make sure that she doesn't have OCD Personality Disorder. I watched a lot of heartbreak and it affected me and my family as well, I would sure like to steer others away from the pain and suffering that happened to my relatives.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 August 2010):
I'm OCD with certain things ( OCD comes in MANY variations and mine, thankfully is very mild).
Mine is with even numbers, germs and certain patterns I HAVE to follow. I'm married ( 13 years) and have 3 kids, so I obviously can function just fine in a relationship and so can MANY other OCD.
Her's sound pretty mild, but it will take some time for you to adjust to it. And it may become more pronounced in the beginning of your relationship and then taper off a little. Is she seeing a counselor?
I spend about 3 years in counselling as a teenager ( that is when it really hit me and my family) and I learned to take control (to an extend) and also to accept that THIS IS part of who I am.
And you are correct, no one is perfect. :)
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Hi there.I think people worry too much about lables. OCD is a name given to an anxiety disorder, which can involve a vairety of obcessions and compulsive behavious. This can affect people's lives in different ways and to a varying degress.My advice is to try not to worry so much about the OCD as a disorder, but rather, get to know the girl for who she is. OCD is a name she has been given or chosen for some of her behavioural patterns, and she has been honest wth you and told you about this. But I don't think you need to worry about how this will affect the relationship at this early stage. Until you get to know the girl you cannot know for sure how her OCD will affect things, because everyone's OCD is different. It is good that you are interested in finding out more about this for her sake. Maybe buy a book about OCD to learn more. Juts be careful about making assumptions before you really know her. From my understanding, everyone has obcessions and compulsive behavious. EVERYONE. It is just that each person is on a different scale of this. Some people turn to these patterns of behaviours more than others when under stress. It just depends on a persons genetic make up and their reactions to the environment they were brought up on. OCD is simply a pattern in behaviour that has been learnt as a way of coping. It should not affect a persons ability to have a lasting, loving relationship with someone else, anymore than any other person. Everyone has their quirks and difficulties. As you say, nobody's perfect :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): it can kill any relationship and ruin lives. You usually need extensive therapy when you have hit that point
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