A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm 47 year old male and been married to same woman for 21 years. We have 3 kids together.She was a virgin when we got married.Before we got married, she would get give me head and swallow. After 5 to 10 years that progressed to giving me a BJ and then spitting. Now, it has gotten to point where I have to ask for it. And I get the feeling to where she doesn't want to do it and she is bothered by it. I go down on her and she loves it. Now, I've told her that I won't go down on her unless she does same for me. It's been 3 weeks and she has not given me head. We've had sex a couple of times but no oral was involved. any other guys out there who had a wife that went from swallow-spit-no head ?thanks,frustrated guy
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank everyone for their advice. I still haven't figured out what the issue is with our sex life and relationship. right now, I'll wait a little time and then approach her on it again. It seems difficult to openly talk to her about sex and she gets defensive;hence, I need to time things accordingly. Many posts are correct..It could be pre-menopause, disinterest in sex, lack of confidence.
it's rather pathetic that we've been married 20 years and i can't have a simple discussion about sex with her. i'll bide my tiime and talk to her again. then, I'll talk to her about going to counseling. I should have another update in 1 to 2 months.
A
female
reader, anonymous39  +, writes (9 January 2011):
I think going to a counselor would be a good idea, but maybe just a marriage counelor won't help, you need sexual support as a couple.For a woman to speak about sex, what she likes to do to you, what she likes done to her etc. of our generation is rare.Women are raised and expected to be good girls! When you were dating and first married she was younger and had more confidence and couriosity.I think she may be feeling less confident in her sexuality. A wonen's sex drive is in her head, not her loins. When a women feels sexually confident she intiates it and surprises you with a BJ!!When was the last time your wife had a full physical with your family doctor? There could be other factors at play - early menopause, decrease in sex drive, depression etc.Sounds to me like she needs to find her sexual confidence again.Until you find the right type of counseling reassure her that you want your marriage to continue to grow and move in a new exciting direction; however it will require both of you to work through this with support, honesty, love and patience to listen to each other's needs and wants.Good luck and don't give up yet!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): Counseling is the wise last option and I commend you on going that route rather than leaving your wife or straying outside the marriage.
But please go into the counseling with an open mind, and be ready to accept that you may very well be part of the problem and you may need to change your own behavior too. Don't go into counseling with an attitude of "this is HER problem, this is to fix HER."
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Many of the replies I'm reading are providing answers/opinion based on assumptions made from information that is not provided by the OP. As is usually the case, the best advice is for the OP to keep talking with his wife to get to the bottom of things and come to some sort of resolution. As sex, for some reason, is often difficult for couples to discuss, a counselor may be the answer.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): it is perfectly fair to say that if she doesn't give you head that you won't give her head. But I would try talking to her more about it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): maybe she never liked giving you bj's she only did it out of consideration or kindness to you. That's very noble of her, but after 10, 20 years of doing something she never really enjoyed it can get very very old. But by now you've come to expect it so she has to keep doing it. Maybe she's just plain tired and resentful of 'having' to keep doing something she never enjoyed from the beginning (when you thought she was enjoying it). then when you try to ask for other things to her it's an insult like what she's done so far, doing these things "for you" still is not enough you want even MORE?
Also if now you're at the point of getting back at her for not giving you head, you think this is gonna make her want to give you head?? this is coercion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): well for me, I started to hate having sex with my husband when he began getting more and more pushy. it happened very graudally. initially I loved having sex with him and would do anything he wanted...then a few times he wanted sex when I was a bit tired or wanted me to do something I wasn't in the mood for and became very pushy about it...this pushiness, which actually was pestering, was extremely off putting to me. If he asked once and I said no today, I could say yes tomorrow. But since he asked once and I said no today and his response is to pester pester pester, beg, plead, bargain relentlessly, I got not just irritated but really turned off by that so tomorrow if he asked I would still feel turned off. Then I started to find other things about him that I found disappointing and highly irritating and that fed into my feeling a huge loss of respect for him as a man. But I think it all began with how he would pester and cajole me for sex so shamelessly as if he had no pride at all. We're divorced now, not due to this alone but this was certainly a contributing factor because I couldn't be intimate with someone I felt contempt for. And I felt contempt because of the way he would conduct himself when he wanted sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): "Besides her not giving me oral sex with fervor, she is boring in bed. I've told her this bluntly."
If someone said this to me I would not want to have any kind of sex with them, would you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): "Clearly, SHE has changed. And even if she didn't...you mean that just because he gained weight or something, that would justify her behavior? Give me a break. That is so shallow. If a guy here stopped giving oral because his wife got fat, he'd get crucified by the female aunts."You may think it's shallow and unjustifiable to lose sexual attraction to your spouse if they gained weight, but it's the cold hard (no pun intended) truth. You can't control your innate gut reactions. You can't make yourself get aroused by something that you find innately disgusting.If your partner stopped bathing or showering for months on end, or stopped shaving her legs and armpits or brushing her teeth, would you still find her sexually attractive? No? How shallow! why is weight gain any different? And yes there are many women who report their husbands no longer find them attractive when they gained weight like after childbirth or stopped dressing sexy once becoming moms. It's always this cultural norm that men are visually stimulated - that's why it's considered "normal" if men look at porn, etc etc... yet women are not allowed to be that way too? Women are supposed to remain attracted to a guy who completely lets himself go otherwise she's shallow? - not saying that the OP completely let himself go, but just in general. It goes both ways - for both men and women - physical attractiveness DOES play an important role to some degree to sexual arousal, for men and women alike. that's just the cold hard truth. However most people (women especially) also need emotional intimacy as well. I guess what I'm saying is - a woman can be sexually aroused by a man's physical attractiveness and may require this physical attractiveness to be sexually aroused towards him to some degree. But a deep emotional hurt can totally erase this.If the wife is not turned on by you anymore, she has some mental block. It could be entirely within her (like maybe she's having an affair) or it could be something to do with you like maybe if she's really angry at you or resentful of you for something...and when the husband focuses on the tip of the iceberg because that's the most obvious thing he notices - the lack of sexual excitement - and make THAT into a big deal, rather than caring for her whole emotional well being with equal fervor, that can be pretty insulting to a wife thus making her "hate" you even more and being even less aroused by you. This is a vicious cycle because then the tendency is to make even more noise about the bedroom problems and if you NOW start to show caring for her as a whole person it may be too late she may think well you're just being insincere and manipulative now. it's sad when things degenerate into this. I hope the counseling helps.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): You need to be very open and talk about this change with the counselor present as well.
You really don't know what is going on unless you do.
I know of at least one case where husband had the same problem, the woman didn't like giving oral any more and didn't have a lot of interest in sex, no longer would swallow, told her husband that his semen tasted bad, told him that she didn't like doing it.
Well, her "not liking it" was limited to him, she didn't want a divorce, but all the while she was fucking and blowing and swallowing for another guy. Yeah, when he found that out he was pissed...
Frank talk, no hedging answers, always with a third party present, make no assumptions.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): I do think the OP is being a bit harsh in his ultimatum thing, but why is it the women here always blame the guy? If a woman gets on here saying her BF or husband is inattentive to her needs, 9 out of 10 times there is a shitstorm of replies saying he needs to be more caring and understanding of the situation. When a guy gets on here saying his GF or wife is inattentive to his needs, you guessed it...he needs to be more caring and understanding of the situation.
I agree that he needs to talk to her and not do the tit-for-tat power struggle...but she needs to do the explaining if you ask me. Clearly, SHE has changed. And even if she didn't...you mean that just because he gained weight or something, that would justify her behavior? Give me a break. That is so shallow. If a guy here stopped giving oral because his wife got fat, he'd get crucified by the female aunts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think "justquestions" hits home with me.
I have been understanding and have asked for things .
I'm tired and frustrated with our sex life. I have brought sex talk up with her but it seems very hard for her to be open with me. And for little things that I ask, she shoots them down. She seems perfectly happy with our sexual playbook that has 4 plays in it. I want to avoid separation/divorce as "justquestions" is possibly going through. I will try again to talk to her and go to counselor if that does not help things. I don't demand oral sex from her. I ask for it politely and am refused. I haven't got real reason of why she won't do it so I need to be blunt and get her to respond.
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male
reader, justquestions +, writes (5 January 2011):
When my wife and I were dating (a long time ago) she also gave me BJ. She wasn't real fond of it, but did it for me when I asked and it was great. After we married, she did it for awhile and one time she used her teeth which I didn't like so much. I made the mistake of telling her this at the time. She said she would never give a BJ again and she hasn't. It hasn't been fair. I kept going down on her and would ask her again from time to time, but she said no. Eventually I stopped asking although I wanted it badly. Sex in general bacame very mechanical. We did it fairly often, but it could only be done one way and often she acted like she was only doing her duty and not really enjoying it. Our whole closeness as a couple also suffered through the years and although we were friends, we were not lovers. Our children are grown now and we are separated. I suspect we will end up divorced in another 6 months or so. It's important to build on the dating relationship once you are married and not decrease from it. I know many women will disagree with me and certainly the sex was not the only thing (or even the most important thing), but it is important. It weakened the bond between us and although I stayed, we never recovered.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Do you really want to go on keeping score, or do you want to find a solution beneficial to you both? I've already explained why an ultimatum isn't a good idea. If you refuse to acknowledge there's a deeper meaning to why she's lost interest in pleasing you, there's no way we can help you fix the problem.
Your response leads me to believe you react in the same manner with her when it comes to what you want and how you want it. Counseling would definitely be helpful, but like I said, talking to her about it calmly and hearing what she has to say could clear whatever negative feelings she might have towards giving you oral sex.
Other ways to improve the situation are to avoid nitpicking about her technique or bluntly telling her she's boring in bed. Seriously OP, I don't blame her for becoming disinterested if that's what you really said to her. No one likes to be criticized about something so deep and personal, it would make anyone feel self-conscious and less enthusiastic.
Try to be more encouraging, next time let her know you like something she does but would love it if she added something to it. No negative comments, only positive! Suggestions made in a positive tone are more likely to get you what you want than a critique of what she didn't do right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): All about what the woman wants again?
Someone on here ages ago told an joke, an old one I think, but still worth repeating...
Q: Why does the bride have such a radiant smile walking down the aisle?
A: She knows she has given her last blow job!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've gained 15 pounds. I'm not super fat anything. My appearance is still decent. Well, ultimatum isn't fair? How about withholding and changing your ways slowly and surely with time? Besides her not giving me oral sex with fervor, she is boring in bed. I've told her this bluntly. I've offered to try various sexual things(nothing super wild) and she says "no" to them. I love her to death but she seems like a prude when it comes to sex. I have tried talking to her many times and that is why I am forcing(ultimatum, one person said) to her. It's the only way I haven't tried. I've tried the romancing and being super nice to her with very minimal returns. Next option is counseling, most likely.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): My girl was amazing when we were dating. I offered to pull out and she just kept going and swallowed. It was so great! We got married and I just took it for granted. And I think I know the one day that killed it. Instead of letting her give it as a gift, I f**ked her mouth. Well, after 10 years, that was it. I so completely f**ked up, and haven't been allowed to c*m in her mouth since. The lesson is, don't take her for granted, and for god's sake be grateful for what she does for you.
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (5 January 2011):
Your wife has every right to do what she's comfortable with, and clearly her preferences have changed. I'm guessing she's disinterested at the moment due to your ultimatum of 'you're not getting what you like unless you give me what I want', which quite honestly would put off most women. Sex is about give and take, yes, but this is definitely not the way to have your needs met.
What you need to realize is the vast majority of women can't climax from penetrative sex alone, but do from oral sex. Men, on the other hand, will reach climax from both nearly every time. Do you see why this ultimatum isn't exactly fair?
Talk to her about your concerns in a calm and mature manner, no childish ultimatums, and refrain from bringing up the spit vs. swallow issue. It's only going to come across as if you're just splitting hairs at that point. Just ask why she seems to have lost interest in oral and leave it at that.
Keep in mind you can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to, nor should you try.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Have you asked her why the change???How about just asking her what's going on first, rather than jumping straight into tit-for-tat power plays (saying you won't do this for her since she doesn't do that for you).Have you gained a lot of weight recently, stopped working out, or slipped in your personal hygiene or otherwise become less attractive to her?Does she find you repulsive? does she not find you hot anymore? Have you hurt her feelings deeply in some other area of life? many women have to feel positively (emotionally) about their partners in order to perform very intimate acts with them. If they start to lose respect for their partners, having sex with them or doing certain things now feels gross rather than a pleasure.when my husband gained over 80 lbs after we got married I got completely repulsed by him and found it really hard to have sex with him anymore, in fact having sex with him began to feel horrific to me. I'm sorry but that's the truth. I always stayed very trim and athletic while he became obese so it was mental as well as physical repulsion for me. Of course this didn't happen overnight - it took him a few years to get that obese so our sex life declined gradually....I kept asking him to lose the weight but he wouldn't...so then I started to lose respect for him making sex with him feel even more awful cos now I felt like I was forced to have sex with jaba the hut...eventually I fell into temptation and had an affair ...yes I know it was wrong...I ended the affair and then I got divorced from my husband because by then things were so bad between us it wasn't worth trying to save anything. I'm just saying that when a woman stops wanting to do certain things sexually, especially if it does not have anything to do with physical pain or discomfort but is purely disliking something she used to like, it is often an indicator that she has stopped feeling "good" about her partner in some way shape or form...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Sure, lots of guys have gone through this.
But, don't make demands, make conversation and be real frank and open with her.
You have to figure this out with her.
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