A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello All!! I have been divorced for a long time (after writing this, it is becoming more clear why), since the mid 90's and have had two other serious relationships along with a few years of trying to work it out with the ex-wife and then few just devoting my time to my children. Last year, I met a very nice lady at a party. We started dating and after a month or so, I figured after several dates that there was no sparks and broke it off. Like a moron,I thought that would be better before she got too attached. After a couple days, I realized that I truly did not give the relationship enough time and thank God she took me back. We dated and had fun for another nine months, before I called it quits yet again.During the nine months together, I kept thinking what our future would be like. She does not have any children presently and is okay with not having any. She’s going to college and also working full time. She will graduate in a few years with an outstanding gpa. We are very compatible and enjoyed our time together. I am in my mid 40’s and she is in her late 30’s. When we broke up she promised that she’ll wait for me to change my mind and presently I have no idea of her status – for all I know she could be dating someone else seriously. Here’s MY problem (or one of the big ones) -- I’m very afraid that as soon as I fully commit to her (or anyone else I date), that someone better is going to come along and knock my socks off. Everyone says not to settle, but to keep looking and waiting for the right one. This is something I’ve been doing on and off for the last 15 years. I’m looking for advice on whether to settle or not settle. If I settle I would call her and ask to see if we could try a third time. If I don’t, I’m off to look for someone else that I could enjoy the rest of my life with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I know most will say go with my heart, but I’ve been trying to figure out that for the last few months without any luck. I’ve tried praying too and for some reasonthat hasn’t worked either (so far) and I’m getting impatient, so I thought I would try this approach. Thank you,Sincerely,Not_sure_if_my_perfect_match_will_be_here_in_a_year_or_the_day_after_I_marry man
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (20 January 2011):
No matter who you are and who you are with, if you settle down you will be settling. You will be settling because you will never ever know if there is someone else out there better or more matched to you. You don't have the time to meet every single woman out there and get to know them and woo them. Spend some time out there, and then compare them all to find the #1 woman for you.
All you can do is date someone, get to know them, see if you're compatible, fall in love, be happy together, and possibly make a commitment to stay together and be happy together.
I've made my choice, I'm now engaged to my boyfriend. Even though I feel that I probably had more sparks with my last boyfriend, and in many ways this relationship is different from what I thought I was looking for (I like passion, he's more calm and rational, etc.). So I could dump him, and look for the ideal guy to complete me, someone who's goodlooking, funny, sweet, passionate, etc etc etc. But I've stopped looking. Because I'm with someone I love, and even if he's not maybe ideal, I love him anyways. And those "not ideal" things became part of everything I love. For example, he's really hairy, and I started off not liking that very much. But now because it's part of him, I wouldn't change it at all. I might wonder sometimes about being with other guys, or being single again, but it's just a fleet "what if". I'm happy where I am.
So in your next relationship, you might want to try to take things one day at a time, and think about all the things you love about your partner. I think we don't do that enough, especially in long term relationships. Sure you might wonder about being with someone else, but remember that if you are with someone else, you'll lose the person you love RIGHT NOW. And I think it's enough to love someone right now, so as long as you keep cultivating those feelings and the relationship, it should help with the wondering.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (20 January 2011):
I totally agree with the advice given by AuntyEm. You have to know what you want to start with, and you should definitely not "settle". Settling leads to unhappiness later, which will in many cases lead to the demise of the relationship.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Being as you are in such a terrible state of confusion over what you actually want, I think the best thing to do, is to not get involved with this woman again. You had two attempts at a relationship with her and ended it both times. I am sure she was terribly hurt and the fact she has said she will wait, is an indication that you have left her with very low self esteem...she probably feels she is not good enough for you and is waiting for confirmation that eventually she Will be good enough for you eventually. That is a terrible position to put someone in.
You yourself have developed a phobia of commitment...whoever you are with, your mind will always wander onto the next best thing. It is very sad and frustrating for you, I am sure, but the underlying truth is that you have not developed a healthy respect for other peoples feelings and you are terrified that you may get stuck with someone you don't want.
I think the best thing to do would be to stay single for some time and focus on other areas of your life. Don't contact the woman you were involved with, let her go get on with her life and find her happiness with someone who wants her 100%. It's not fair to hang onto someone, until something better comes along, in fact, it is a selfish act.
Please don't think I don't feel sympathetic to you. I dated someone once who was in your situation and he remains confused and angry, whilst having left a string of broken hearted women in his wake...he has no centre anymore.
I wish you lots of luck. Stay single and bide your time...when the right woman comes along...nothing will keep you from her and all this will be put behind you.
Believe in the spark!!!
Good luck xxx
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