A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Dating is not what I thought it would be and I'm ready to give up!My first boyfriend I was 13 and it was fine till he dumped me. We were in 7th grade and most teachers by then didn't make us have assigned seats so we sat next to each other. We payed attention in class and got good grades. We talked and laughed a lot but that was it. We sat by our own friends at lunch though. One day in gym class (neither one of us is athletic), he accidentally-on-purpose got smashed in the face with a volleyball. Well his braces were already hurting him so he got mad and stomped out. I followed him. It was a Catholic school so we went to the church and he played Broken Hallelujah on the organ. Even back in first grade he was an amazing piano player. I sat and listened. Basically we both got detention for cutting gym even though we had good reason! My grandparents were really mad and automatically didn't like him. They got to talking with his parents and mostly discussed bullying. They somehow agreed that we could all go to brunch AND Brayden and I could have our own table IF we all went to church first. His parents convinced my grandparents that we were okay talking and goofing around. So ALL our dates were chaperoned. It made us mad at the time but we were 13 so now it makes sense. We didn't cut gym anymore but we skipped lunch a few times so I could listen to him play the organ. One day, he stopped playing and he kissed me -a real one. Normally we weren't allowed to do more than a three second hug (my grandpa counted). I was not into it. At the time I just thought it was gross to put your tongue in someone else's mouth. He thought it was his braces and I kept saying that wasn't the problem. I don't think he believed me because he dumped me over the phone saying "there's no point in us dating because you won't kiss me". Then he literally stopped even sitting by me. My next boyfriend I was 15. I was at a Sadie Hawkins dance at school and didn't have a date. I was with five friends from youth group (two other girls and three guys) and none of us had dates because we weren't allowed. It was group-dates only. And there were chaperoned there anyway. I complained that no one would slow dance with me. (the school let us as long as we stayed elbow length apart but none of the guys we were with were allowed). So my friend Nathaniel pointed out this guy Anthony and told me to dance with him. I thought he knew him! There were only about 500 people in the whole school but I was a sophomore and didn't know everybody. We didn't get to dance because it was over by then but I gave him my number. The problem was my grandparents had a landline and I wasn't allowed a cell phone. So he called before I got home. My grandparents were mad at me and said I was being too forward. Every single time I laughed too much while talking with a guy they would interrupt and make me hang up the phone or they'd separate us. So they talked to his mom and decided we could go to the upcoming homecoming dance IF we all went to church together and then brunch. So literally our ONLY dates up till homecoming were church and brunch. His little brother (and often my half sister) were there all the time too. My half sister has ADHD and Tourettes so Nathaniel jumped a mile every time she had a tic. When she does this, she jerks her head and right arm and makes a bark noise. I'm used to it but if you react to it, it makes it worse for her. So at homecoming we went with two couples and they drove their car while my grandma drove Nathaniel and me in her car. We got to the dance and everything was fine till I went to get snacks. Nathaniel grabbed me, pulled me away from everyone and then put his tongue in my mouth! I reacted by shoving him. We both got a detention but grandpa was the only one who wasn't mad at me. He said, "you should have knocked him out" Nathaniel broke up with me saying, "there's no point to dating if we aren't going to kiss"So I didn't date till last year and that guy Jacob NEVER took me on a single real date. I mean: a movie, dinner, a walk in the park, natural history museum, the zoo... He claimed he couldn't afford it but he could afford a nice tablet and cell phone! He could afford beer and weed! ALL and I mean ALL he wanted to do was sit around his dorm and grope me and kiss. I STILL think putting your tongue in someone else's mouth is gross! I want a boyfriend who will give me REAL dates! He gave me two beers once and got mad I drank them too slow. I didn't want to get drunk! He had four and asked me if I would "at least" do oral. As in it was the LEAST I could do! I got mad and walked back to my dorm and he followed me. I screamed at him to leave me alone and the Resident Advisor almost called campus security. He told me over and over that I was just a tease and a prude. So yeah. Dating is SUPPOSED to be fun you're supposed to go on real dates. You're supposed to sit and talk, share a book together, laugh around... cuddle... but I've TRIED cuddling: all they want to do is grope me. I don't mind little kisses but I think making out is gross. I think oral is even more disgusting. And I'm not doing it until I'm married.So what do you think? I'm only 20 but I almost want to give up on dating.
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female
reader, hilary  +, writes (14 May 2020):
 I feel very sorry for you and in some ways you sound like me. To me dating is about romance, a bond, a special friendship, passion, a togetherness, not just a guy wanting to grope someone who looks fit and is eager and obliging where anyone will do. You would soon get a reputation as being the girl to "date" but for all of the wrong reasons by all of the wrong guys.
But you need to face a few home truths. A guy who does not take you out and just talks to you and paws you is not dating you. No way is that a date. It is him chancing his arm in the hope of sexual release, at your expense.
I would think more of this guy if he dated you first, it is less sleazy, but you would still be right and perfectly entitled to say no to him.
Your body is your sacred temple. It is yours and nobody else's. Nobody has the right to look at it or touch it, no matter what. When they think all they have to do is chat to you and that is it, they are saying you are an easy lay, a push over, very much like a prostitute only one who does not charge. That is very insulting.
There are also guys who will tell you how wonderful you are, how much they love you and all the rest just to get into your knickers, and not mean a word of it, learn to be able to work out who is honest and who is lying.
There is nothing wrong with thinking that you will save yourself for your wedding night. It is very unusual but it happens and it is your choice. If a guy really loves you and really wants you he will wait. But having sex with your guy should not be you giving him some sort of reward, if you do not enjoy it as much as him then you should not be with him.
Sex with guys you do not love and who do not love you - urgh, boring, watching paint dry is more exciting. Sex with a guy who makes your toes curl up, who gets the butterflies in your stomach to flutter, who makes you feel all gooey when he walks in the room is mind blowing. But you should still have standards and still not let this guy use you or disrespect you.
When I became a mature woman I breathed a sigh of relief that I was no longer getting sex starved men who only wanted me because I have big breasts and only wanted me for my body. Now I meet men who are turned on by my wisdom and sense of humour and it is far better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): It's interesting how you mention your early life and your marginal interaction with boys.Everything is screaming out that these guys don't try to get to know you at all. They just spend a short, very uneventful time with you which is carefully clocked and scrutinised and the first opportunity they get they try to get a little sexual action prior to being rejected by you.The one thing that's missing is friendship.I think it is almost as frightening as an attack on your person because you have given no indication that you wanted it expected a sexual advance!Thinking of this I think you have to be very clear to males who clearly want a 'hot date' that you are looking for a friendship kind of thing that would lead to engagement before sexual advances.To these guys your a plaything.You know that you're more than that so simply don't indulge these boys who expect to get experience from you.Tell them outright : ' look Im not here for FUN, you'll need to find a hooker for that!'Just to let them know.In case they think you look like a 'fun' girl due to having large breasts, blonde hair, long legs, nice manner etcThese guys grow up on porn!They think everyone is shagging all the time.They want a lot of anything they can get.So beware of these people and only take a date with someone you know well enough to know he won't pounce on you with his tongue in your mouth and his hands heading for your pants.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (10 May 2020):
 If they don't make you a priority, they don't deserve you. If their tablets etc are more important to them than a relationship with you, they don't deserve you. Get where I am coming from?
Stick to your standards. People will only treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Don't be desperate enough for a boyfriend to put up with them disrespecting your wishes or feelings.
If you have been "dating" since the age of 13, I would suggest you take a bit of a break to evaluate what you want in a boyfriend and to realize you do not need a boyfriend to be happy. If you learn to be happy on your own, then any boyfriend who you agree to allow into your space will need to add something significant to your happiness. Know your worth and never undersell yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): OP, at 13yrs old you thought french kissing was gross and at 15yrs old you thought the same way. Now at age 20, you say that making out is gross and oral sex is even worse. You were indeed over sheltered by your grandparents, who have quite conservative values, at a younger age. Since your ideas on kissing have not become more open, with more personal freedom, I have to ask, could it be possible that you are just not into guys, other than to just pal around and be friends? You see, couples heterosexual dating almost always has the end goal of a committed one on one relationship which progresses into a committed sexual relationship and then monogomous marriage. It is a little judgemental to fault a guy for not having the cash to take you out to places where you want him to take you and then judge him for having a nice tablet and nice cell phone. Would it please you OP if he sold the tablet for a bit of cash, to take you out? How about if he traded down from a smart phone to a basic flip phone, to save? Be real
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): [EDIT]
Typo correction:
"If a guy takes you out to dinner and spends his money; he's wooing you for romance.
"You have to meet and eliminate guys through the process of elimination; until you meet the one that you're most comfortable with."
Better said:
"You have to meet and cherry-pick a few guys through the process of elimination; until you met the one that you're most comfortable with."
"At least allow closed-lip kissing; until you get used to the guy, and feel more attracted to him."
Don't get discouraged or frustrated; you want to be dated properly, but you still have to be more mature. Try not to come across as too childish. You may miss the kind of guy you're looking for; because he'll think you still behave like a 13 year-old girl. I know you've been a little sheltered; but you can't avoid guys if you're afraid they might want to kiss you. My assumption is you've had very few dates; because you've probably turned a lot of them down. Anticipating the guy will be gropey or too aggressive. Sometimes it may seem there are more jerks out there, than good-guys. You weed 'em out as you go!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): Be patient. It's only a matter of time. In college, there is a lot of pressure to have sex; but you're not likely to keep a healthy red-blooded guy your age very interested, if you find kissing gross.
When you have odd quirks, dating is a little...let's say "complicated."
If a guy takes you out to dinner and spends his money; he'w wooing you for romance. Part of romance is kissing and making-out. Groping ("heavy-petting" is the outdated-term) and oral-sex is for the less-inhibited sexually-active couple. The kind of guy you're looking for is more of the shy church-going type. Easy-going, yet still outgoing. He is studious and polite; and he won't go any further than you're comfortable with. The virgin-guy with limited-experience would also be your speed. You have to meet and eliminate guys through the process of elimination; until you meet the one that you're most comfortable with.
You have to form a more mature attitude towards kissing. I can agree with you, because there are some lousy kissers who slobber; and remind you of a dog licking your face. A least allow closed lip kissing, until you get used to the guy and more attracted to him. It becomes easier to relax when you're with someone patient, tender, and respectful of you.
I think you should tell guys to go easy with the tongue-action; and allow them to kiss you, so you can get used to the idea.
You're 20 years old, and by now you should have had a few "real dates." If guys don't see the possibility of some kind of romance in it for them; you're better-off just making friends. Eventually, the right-type of guy for you will show-up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): I think girls are sold some kind of dream situations by romantic comedies and films. At your age the boys you will be dating will be raging with testosterone and aching to have sex with girls. Usually any girl. They want to have sex and then brag to their friends about it.
Not ALL boys/young men are like this, but most are, so don't expect too much from any of them at this stage.
This will all change when you meet someone and you both love each other. THEN he will want to do all those things that you mentioned, the real dates. He will wait until you are ready to have sex and not try to get you drunk in order to do so. Or try to TELL you what you should at least do!!
Good for you by the way in telling them all to get lost. But when you do meet someone you love or really fancy and the feeling is mutual, you wont be able to wait to kiss them properly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 May 2020):
 Maybe you should take a little break from TRYING to date.
Boys your age WANT to do more, it is UP to you to set boundaries and define what you will or will not do.
At age 20.. it's pretty normal to KISS someone you date. Cuddling and well, some groping is also pretty "normal", doesn't mean YOU have to do it. Same with sex, if you don't want to have sex, then that is your choice. It's also pretty normal to say, hey I'm not wanting sex until marriage, that includes oral. And if a guy says ok, then I don't want to date you, well, then he is WRONG for you.
Your last guy probably COULDN'T really afford to take you on dates, his parents probably bought him his phone and tablet. And they might also be the ones (unbeknownst to them) be paying for the week and beer. BUT a walk in the park is free. Grabbing a couple of sandwiches and have a makeshift picnic is cheap, he was just not interested in INVESTING his money is paying for dates. Which should be another clue that he wasn't a good fit for you.
The 2 boys you dated at 13/15 were just kids. As were you. And they probably let their hormones dictate what they hoped would happen. They wanted to kiss you because that is what they thought a BF and GF does. And for many, it IS.
So stick to making friends, doing fun things and WAIT with the dating until you FIND someone who is more aligned with your morals, values and ideas.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2020): I wouldn't give up forever, but oi would give up dating for awhile. I don't think you're ready for it! If you have an aversion to making out or oral sex and don't plan to "do it" until marriage, your essentially just hanging out, not dating. Also, your idea of dating is very one-sided: you want to be taken on dates, cuddled, complicated and all that but what will you do for the guy? I am not saying you should do anything sexual if you don't want to, but it puts a damper on dates for you. Now, when you were 13 chaperoned dates made sense, the few times you were alone with him, he pretty much pressured you into kissing and that wasn't right I think his feelings were hurt and he lashed out at you. As for the second guy, he's a turd! You were right to shove him! I'm with your grandpa on that one! The guy you knew on campus was equally shitty I think campus security should have been called! I would suggest meeting guys through Christian dating sites or even asexual sites. If you decide to date at all.
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (10 May 2020):
 I know it feels frustrating, feels like guys are only after one thing, don't treat you right, all they want to do is grope.
At the end of the day you are only 20 years old with your whole life ahead of you. What you have described is what all, or most of us go through growing up.
I would not mind betting that every one, including myself have had awkward first date experiences growing up. But the thing is these experiences that we go through in our adolescence pave the way to who we become later on in our lives.
Some people are lucky and spend the rest of there lives together with the one they met when they was in there teens, being childhood sweethearts.
But for the majority of us we go through these awkward dating experiences in our youth, embarrassment, heartache, infatuation, feeling like the world has ended when a relationship ends etc.
Don't give up on dating, what your feeling i guarantee that everyone has felt at some point in their lives. You are only 20, enjoy your young life, go out with your mates and have fun. As you get older you will find you will be meeting guys with a certain level of maturity, completely different from what you have described from the boys you dated in your youth.
Like most of us you may have to kiss of few frogs before you find your prince. But be patient, be light hearted about it all, and i assure you, find your prince you will.
Good luck.
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