A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Last night I expressed my feelings, to my boyfriend of 5 years, about what would happen to me if he died. He is much older than me and we are not married. I was thinking about this because I had pneumonia and he had the flu and both were really debilitating. Lets face it we are not getting any younger. He has no will. We live in his house. I have some money but what I was asking was if he would be willing to write down something about his wishes. I don't want his house or any of his money but if he was to die I would like to have some time to find a place to move before his children, who would inherit, kick me out. I could pay the mortgage while I looked. After all his children have no obligation to let me stay in what has been my home for years, but I believe would be more likely to do so if he wrote it down. He refuses to get life insurance and I have some with his name on it. But this is not really about the money. It is about security in our old age. When I asked him about this he got really angry and accused me of being after his house! So I asked him if he cares what happens to me after he dies and he shouted, no! I was stunned. Later he took it back but the damage is done. He said he wishes me good luck but we are not married so he does not care what happens. He is sure I will land on my feet. Which I will, but still his words really hurt.I feel I have been living a lie for 5 years. He never wanted to get married and now I feel he does not even really love me or care. His words stung. I told him I am thinking of leaving. I would like to know what others think. Am I a fool for staying this long with him?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): You are last on his list of priorities. That isn't how a relationship should be. The relationship between spouses is to be closer than that between parent and child; after all it is your spouse whom you have sex with and share your most intimate thoughts and feelings and money with whereas your kids once grown have no obligation to even stay in touch with you. But he isn't even willing to be your spouse. He is not someone you should think of as your partner because he clearly doesn't think of you as his partner. Take him off your insurance. Reconsider if you want to spend your golden years with someone who doesn't care about you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): Awfully awfully harsh and hurtful. I am of a similar age and own the house my husband and I live in. If I die I have ensured he can live in it until he dies then it must pass to my children. I was very very clear that it is not to go to his children in any way. Oh my God how he kicked off over that but it is my money and I have worked hard for it. There is not much you can do here other than accept that you have to leave the house if he dies and make sure you have money to do this, but his words were really nasty. If you are content living there then you are just going to have to accept that this is the way he thinks but it doesn't seem very loving or affectionate to not worry about what will happen to the person you are supposed to love when you die. You may want to start doing more of your own thing and stop paying so many of the household bills - withdraw your services a bit as he seem sto be taking advantage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update. I have 2 sons I can leave the insurance money to. I plan on doing just that. I also pay into the bills every month. I cut him a check. His name is on all of the bills but I pay a lot of them. I pay for a lot of the food, the pge, etc. I am not sure if cutting a check constitutes him having extra income but I do know that we do not live in a state that has common law marriages.
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female
reader, R1  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 That's really harsh of him. I know everyone is suggesting you leave but I imagine from the nature of your question that would be hard? You may be concerned about where to go? But if what you want is marriage and he this is not what he wants then this seems like a pretty big deal and not one you can just get over. When two people different things from life they just aren't compatible.
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female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (2 February 2013):
I would start looking for a place to stay as soon as possible and wouldn't look back, at least you will get to take what belongs to you because if he dies before you move out, his children is going to come in there and take everthing including your stuff. They will change the locks on the doors.I've seen this happen too many times. He only care about his family (Children). If he dies you will have big time trouble on your hand with them. His children should be at the age to have their own stuff but when it comes to money everything change. He should have split everything up with you and his children but he didn't do that because he's selfish.You'll be hurt to leave him but you'll get over it. This guy is low down dirty without a heart. It broke my heart just listening to you.Is it possible to put your stuff in storage and live with a family member until you can find a place?I will repeat what everyone eles said....change your insurance policy.Wish you the very best.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): OMG you got to be kidding me WHY are you even still with this guy?"He said he wishes me good luck but we are not married so he does not care what happens. He is sure I will land on my feet."even if he doesn't want to get married (different people have different beliefs about what marriage represents and I can respect that), he just plain does not consider you a permanent 'life partner' with or without the marriage part. He clearly does not see this relationship as being committed to each other. I guess he sees it as you are just companions but who don't really have any ties to each other. like a room mate. This is especially bad considering that YOU have obviously taken him into consideration by putting him on your life insurance. He knows this, so he is happy to be the beneficiary if you were to die tomorrow, but does not want to reciprocate? that's plain selfish. You're wasting your time with him because you won't grow old "together", you'll grow old alone but with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): Leave him. You're not being unreasonable just asking for time.If he really doesn't care about how you will cope after his death, I honestly don't see how he can care for you at all. I would feel terrible thinking of someone I loved being stressed, unhappy, tossed out onto the street with no where to go. I think it would be even worse if I envisioned them as old and not as able to think things through as quickly or clearly anymore.It's like he has you around while it's convenient for him but this really isn't the mentality of someone who is truly caring and concerned for you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2013): "I told him I am thinking of leaving. I would like to know what others think. Am I a fool for staying this long with him?"You're not necessarily a fool for staying this long with him, but having seen his true colors you're a complete fool for staying with him one second longer. By making a vague, apparently empty threat without concrete intentions of following through you have in effect given him license to continue to treat you like the unpaid live-in whore, maid, cook, and valet that is all you are to him, while also knowing that even if you don't leave on your own he still could throw you out or trade you in for a newer model girlfriend at any time. Unfortunately that is the risk an unmarried woman takes when she chooses to shack up with a guy: no commitment and no obligation means no security and no guarantees. Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves, and that you are even considering sticking around rather than walking away with dignity and pride intact in response to being so grievously offended and insulted does not reflect favorably on you. I'd suggest you see a lawyer to see what property rights you may have in the event you reside in a state that recognizes common law marriage, and start planning your exit strategy under the assumption that he could drop dead tomorrow and you'd be effectively homeless. Best to prepare for life without him now rather than after he dies.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 February 2013):
 I'd leave him now. He's not your long term boyfriend. Time to find a new place to live and get out with your dignity and your bank account intact.
Sorry he's proven himself to be a poor choice but there you are. You can move on and you SHOULD move on.
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female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (2 February 2013):
 His behavior toward you was absolutely unconscionable. Really awful.
Well, if he doesn't care about your well being when he's gone, you need to take whatever steps you must to protect yourself now.
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female
reader, kerryelizabeth +, writes (1 February 2013):
I'm so sorry this happened to you - it sounds really painful and you sound like a really lovely person who does not deserve to be spoken to like that at all.
You really do sound like a sensible and lovely person and you deserve better than to be treated like this. If I were you I'd change your insurance policy as soon as possible. If you have no family to leave it to, why don't you donate your possessions and money etc to a charity of your choice? I'm sure they'd love the help. I'd move out on your own and find someone who is deserving of your time and of your heart, as hard as it will be.
Leaving a five year relationship is never easy, but it's best to get out now and start being treated as you deserve to be than to stay in a relationship where you are not cared about. You are not a fool for staying with him, not even a little bit. He's shown his true colours now, though, so it would be a good time to leave.
I wish you all the best
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2013): It hurts me what he has said to you. Yes, get yourself out of this relationship. He doesn't want to get married. He has probably used you for sex, to cook and a maid service.
Have you contributed at all to his house, such as paying for utilties or for part of the mortgage or have you paid rent? If so, has he reported this as income on his tax return? Do you have a paper trail. I'd check with a lawyer on that if you have been paying towards anything on the house and have credit card statements or checks to back you up. See if anything can be done or if nothing else the IRS will be on his tail for not reporting income.
I live in my fiance's home and when we do get married and if he dies before me, I will get the house and I will continue to live in it until I sell it and at that point I get part of the proceeds and so do his adult children. We are having a pre-nup drawn up (second time getting married for both of us). I am having a will done also and looking into a trust. I don't want to end up on the street if he dies. That was my main concern. I've been there because I lost my first husband. It's scary wondering if you can make it, especially after I lost his income, then I lost my job. It was an awful time.
If you have a job and can make it on your own do so now. Start making arrangements to leave. Get a budget drawn up of what you can afford to live on.
Take some time for yourself before you meet another man and make sure the next one really does love you.
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female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (1 February 2013):
 Oh honey..I'm sorry. What your guy said was a real slap in the face. If it were me, I would not be able to stay with him. His words pretty much said it all...he really doesn't care about you that much. As much as it hurts, its better that you know it now. Take a deep breath, accept the way things are, and start making plans for the rest of your life (without him). Change your insurance, and start looking for a new place to live. You deserve far better than what this man is offering you. It won't be easy walking away from a 5 year relationship, but now that you know his true feelings, is he worth staying for? I don't think so. *HUGS*. Let us know how you are. I wish you the best!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 February 2013):
 This is one of those life events that a lot of people know are just waiting to bite them in the butt and hoping for the best just won't give you the peace of mind you deserve.
I think he is being insensitive but maybe not selfish...it is his house and he can do as he wants and there ain't no escaping that fact, but it's a shock to find someone doesn't give a damn about you at such a vulnerable time, so it seems you are going to have to make plan for yourself.
I completely agree that you should remove him from your insurance policy (you don't have to tell him) and maybe start a savings plan to put money by for the future. His reaction has given you a bit of an insight to what lies ahead...it's a wake up call to try and provide for yourself.
Whether you choose to continue your relationship with him or not, you need to put yourself first, because he has made it clear that if he goes first, you are on your own...in more ways that one.
You have my sympathy, but you will find a way through xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 February 2013):
 I think you should leave.
A co-worker of mine had a similar situation with his mother last year.... she had lived with the guy for TWENTY FIVE years.
he died....left her NOTHING... no provisions... she was immediately evicted by his children from her home of 25 years.
change your life insurance to your kids if you have them...
make your exit plans.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (1 February 2013):
 Your boyfriend sounds unbelievably selfish. He doesn't give a crap about you. There's no nicer way of saying it. My boyfriend and I are in our early 20's and we've even thought of this. We're not married and we still are ensuring the other is taken care of if one of us dies.
Saying "I don't care about you after I'm gone" is really not different from saying "I don't care about you period." I think you really need to get rid of this guy. He is a selfish jerk.
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