A
male
age
51-59,
*tired2argue
writes:Am I honestly "over the fear" of our marriage being over? Been married 18 years, 3 kids, college sweethearts, basically we've been together our entire adult lives. Been inseparable since our first date. Fastforward to now. My wife is a GREAT mother, but I feel she's become a terrible wife/lover/companion. The house is "sorta ok", looks about like a bachelor lives in it and I know that makes her mad because she feels overwhelmed by the piling up laundry. I make a 6 figure income, we pay cash for everything (boats, cars, trucks, kids toys, home, our farm etc...) She does not have to work and doesn't. Our kids are 11, 13 and 15. Girl in middle. I hire a maid to "deep clean" the house once a week so the wife doesn't mop, vacuum, clean the pool, dust or any of that, just laundry and keep the place picked up. She comes and goes as she pleases, 75% of the time our meals are carry out/drive through or out to eat. (I'd like some home cooked meals 2-3 nights a week but I realize she's busy with the kids so I eat that drive through crap and keep my mouth shut!) Our middle child is a star athelete (heavily recruited and tho in middle school, colleges are already calling) and she's even become a local celebrity of sorts. I've now come to think that perhaps my wife is enjoying this "attention" through our daughter and would rather be out and getting attention than home "dealing with life". She essentially hates our 15 year old (typical, lazy, computer rooted teenaged boy who causes NO problems but does NOTHING else unless asked). I try to keep the boys occupied with hunting/fishing/boating/4 wheelers etc. The kids have been out of school for 2.5 weeks now and she's been gone out of town at ball tournaments for the majority of that time since. I am tired, lonely and missing a companion. What scares me most is I am no longer feeling those fears of being alone or considering divorce. I no longer feel as if life will end if she's not in it. We've made love maybe 3x since the kids have been out of school. She's never been an over aggressive lover but I've made it fun and when "she's on" it's wonderful but those times are getting fewer and fewer. I've tried to tell her that I'm not happy but her standard reply is, "Well I'm doing all I can and if you are just looking for an excuse to go screw younger women I'm sure you'll do it anyway!" I grew up in a divorced home and swore I'd never put my kids through it but I'm afraid that once our kids leave for college she'll be looking at 4 walls and wondering "WTH now?" And by then I could've already started another life with someone who appreciates being pampered and made comfortable. I can understand why most wives feel worn out after they have to work all day, clean the house, pay the bills, run the kids, etc... I've seen to it that she doesn't have most of those pressures, yet seems now she's grown "expectant" of such treatment without considering the luxuries. (Most of her friends have to work and live a normal life and they tell her all the time how lucky she is but she laughs it off and quickly changes the subject.) I'm NOT looking for an affair nor is there anyone else. But I'm just growing tired of pulling the sled only to see her utilize time and money for something other than "us time". I guess I'm just tired of being tired...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): "Fastforward to now. My wife is a GREAT mother, but I feel she's become a terrible wife/lover/companion. The house is "sorta ok", looks about like a bachelor lives in it and I know that makes her mad because she feels overwhelmed by the piling up laundry."This is life with teenagers. Really, NORMAL. But, that's not the issue."our 15 year old (typical, lazy, computer rooted teenaged boy who causes NO problems but does NOTHING else unless asked)."Again, very typical teenage behavior at that age. Growing, hormones changing, but again, that is not the problem.This might be..."Well I'm doing all I can and if you are just looking for an excuse to go screw younger women I'm sure you'll do it anyway!""I grew up in a divorced home and swore I'd never put my kids through it but I'm afraid that once our kids leave for college she'll be looking at 4 walls and wondering "WTH now?""But I'm just growing tired of pulling the sled only to see her utilize time and money for something other than "us time". I guess I'm just tired of being tired.."This is an exhausting period of time in the life of a family, particularly for the one who does all the driving kids around, and the one who does the work. But, you need to think outside yourself for a minute, hard but necessary, and think "where did my wife come from".You came from a divorced parent family. What did she truly come from? To do this, you need help, counseling is necessary. Her comment speaks volumes of her own insecurities, which you might not see.She may be feeling: I can't satisfy my husband, my kids are driving me crazy and I keep running all over to keep the superstar happy, my son won't pick up his socks, the house is a mess, I'm exhausted, yada, yada, yada.So, take some time to go somewhere with just her, for just an hour. Turn off your cell phones, turn off your cell phones, turn off your cell phones, and tell her this..."Been married 18 years, 3 kids, college sweethearts, basically we've been together our entire adult lives. Been inseparable since our first date. AND GO ON WITH THIS BELOWI need you to go to counseling with me because I am not handling things all that well with our relationship, the kids, my job, the house, all the activities, and I AM AFRAID OF LOSING YOU AFTER ALL THIS TIME AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU."Unless, of course, you do want to lose her and get a divorce, etc. Because, this is how it all starts. Intimacy gets compromised, you end up thinking "hey, i'm really not afraid of being alone or divorced", and some girl/guy who is 20 years older to 20 years younger gives you the eye and the next thing you know you are having sex in a car in a parking lot, a park, your house, their house, a hotel, etc.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): I feel your pain, man. I have been married 19 years. I do more of the housework than my wife does. I paid for a maid once a week. I let her drive the new luxury car while I drive the old one. She does cook 5 times per week. I cook once and we eat out once. However, we have no children. She used to work, but I make enough money that she didn't have to and she was stressed about it so I told her she could quit and she did. She says she is lonely, but I arranged my work hours so that I can spend 2-3 hours with her every morning taking walks and sometimes eating an early lunch. Now she is trying to get back into work again to feel fulfilled. I think some people are just like this. They have problems with self-esteem and depression. My wife's sister is a single mom and does 10x what my wife does in a week and complains 10x less, but if I ask my wife to water the plants on the patio she may do it only about 50% of the time. To be honest, my wife considers herself to be somewhat of a princess. She is beautiful and was always fawned over and other people (especially men) always did things for her. Also, growing up she had maids and a comfortable lifestyle and she says that she just doesn't know how to clean house. I left her for a week once on business and she broke the dishwasher in that time. I think I do too much for her and you probably do to much for your wife as well. It's hard not to spoil your wife. At least your wife is putting out. Three times in 2.5 weeks is pretty good! Try three times in a year for me. What I ask myself is: Do I love her? My answer is that I do. She says she loves me, too, and so I stay. I didn't see you say anywhere in your post that you love your wife. Do you love her?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (9 June 2011):
 I am seeing all sorts of contridictions here...
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"Fastforward to now. My wife is a GREAT mother,"
VS.
"She essentially hates our 15 year old".
I seriously doubt she HATES her own child. If he does, she does not qualify as GREAT MOM.
__________________________________________________________
"I feel she's become a terrible wife/lover/companion." vs. "The house is "sorta ok", "
VS.
She does not have to work and doesn't VS The kids have been out of school for 2.5 weeks now and she's been gone out of town at ball tournaments for the majority of that time since
TRANSLATION:
"She is not giving me the kind and quality of attention I feel I deserve"
____________________________________________________________
"Well I'm doing all I can and if you are just looking for an excuse to go screw younger women I'm sure you'll do it anyway!"
NO wife who feels truly wanted and appreciated would ever say this. It is a sign of distrust of YOU.
VS
"But I'm just growing tired of pulling the sled only to see her utilize time and money for something other than "us time".
TRANSLATION: "She should feel more gracious, grateful, and giving towards me because I make this life possible.Anything other than me, our kids, and our home is a waste"
__________________________________________________________
Not ANYWHERE in your post...did you mention LOVE or even wanting HER. She is merely another glorified employee in your househould.
Maybe if you valued her OUTSIDE of being A MOTHER and your lover...she would be more open and willing to spend time with you. Women are funny creatures that way, when you connect with them on an EMOTIONALLY INTIMATE level, and value them for more than just their Housekeeping and Uterous...they WILL respond with their minds, hearts, and body. Completely, fully and joyfully.
Right now, being your wife is a JOB, not a JOY.
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A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (9 June 2011):
 ps
My typo: I meant to say 'she ISN'T doing that looking after thing' ...
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (9 June 2011):
I felt really sad when I read this.
You sound, to me, like a bright, thinking, pragmatic person, with a crucial sense of humour, and a default setting of positive/practical/energetic. Sounds like you have also managed to create a great home for your family, and provide for them in all ways any reasonable person could dream of. You manage to do all sorts of stuff with the kids while also bringing home the not-insubstantial bacon. Yes, you do it all.
And what do you want of your adult partner in all of this? By the sounds of it, all you really want is for her to appreciate, respect and care as much about it as you do, and for her to enjoy her home, life, children and ... you. To enjoy you.
But, she isn't that kind of woman. She doesn't take pride in the home. She feels overwhelmed by, eg, the laundry, but isn't practical about dealing with it - if she really doesn't want to do it, I'm sure with the right approach she could organise someone coming to collect the ironing and bringing it back 2 days later all perfect (my approach ; ). She doesn't like cooking. She is doing that looking after thing. She hasn't worked out that in the team that you and she should be, you go out and earn the cash, and she holds the helm with you and directs/organises/manages the home, because frankly, if you are out all day, you can't, and she doesn't have to go out all day.
I could go on. About the importance of having sheets like hotel linen, frequently changed. About the importance of delicious home cooked meals most days, of making soup, of baking cakes at 11pm just because you feel like presenting him with something special, of all manner of sexual favours, and of the deep satisfaction of just being home, all of you together, and, as a mother/wife, just knowing that everyone is clean and safe and fed and happy.
I feel all of that, and I would feel bloody grateful to a man who made that possible. I would understand the two-way action, the mutual support, the unspoken organisation of the day, silent liaison, the movement of one and the other like dancers, almost instinctual.
But then I guess that must come from how my mother was. I guess it must be, to some degree, something that is passed down. My mother was great at fresh sheets and home made bread. My father loved and praised her for it. And it worked.
So ... just to kind of let you know that what you want is not anything but good. You just want the best. But I don't think your wife has any clue about what you really want, and it just isn't in her - it isn't her way - she hasn't been passed the burning torch and isn't carrying it. She is doing her own thing. Spending time and money on what interests her, and yes, not pulling her weight.
Sorry to say it, but the way she does things sounds kind of shallow, selfish and immature. She doesn't have the vision you have. She isn't on your level.
So ... stay or go? I guess stay until the children are in college. And then, yes, maybe look for what you want. But remember that unfortunately, you can't ever quite have it, because the full monty is to have that home with the person who is the other parent of your children. : (
Sorry for that depressing observation, but have to point it out, as that would be the only reason to 'work' on your wife. Well, that and that you chose her and promised to stay with her. But she is, as we say here in England, taking the piss really ... she might respond to a wake up call. ?
You have my sympathies! Really. Heartfelt.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 June 2011):
You know, I think you should sit her down and talk to her. I can say from personal experience that being a "SAHM" (stay/stuck at home mom) is no as cracked up as it sounds, honestly I am sick of it and have been for the past 8 years.
You two are so not on the same page. I can understand the resentment you both feel. But SHE is not a mind-reader and neither are you. You are projecting how you "think" she feels about her life, about the kids, her life onto her without really knowing. Why? Because it helps you justify your own feelings.
You think she should be GRATEFUL to you, for her life. Like none of it is her doing. However, the fact that she "laughs it off" when her friends tell her how "lucky" she is, I think she might not feel as lucky as they and you think she should. She might be miserable.
You are having some expectation of your wife that she isn't even aware off. Like more home cooked meals. For you that equate = being pampered & loved, for her maybe cooking is something she doesn't really enjoy. (at least since you guys always eat take out, I'm guessing cooking is not one of her hobbies).
Personally I love to cook. But... as a wife and mother, I have cooked the past 14 years at least 2 meals a day (usually hot break fast & dinner - sometimes even lunch too) and after 14 years..... cooking is a chore. Heck baking, which I USED to love, is not all that fun. I do it, because I can. But I don't really enjoy it. I don't really enjoy cooking most days either, but I still do it.
If you aren't happy in one area of your life it tends to spill over the other areas, for instance in the bedroom. If your life in general feels like a series of chores, what do you think sex might end up feeling like??
If you think there is a snowballs chance in hell that you two can make it work, then why not consider finding a marriage counselor, maybe through your church (if you are going to one) before you throw in the towel.
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