A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:We need advice. My wife has this good girlfriend that she's known for a few years. We're married 4 years now and everything is great. This girlfriend hasn't been a big part of our life because of who she's dating (and now marrying).This girlfriend asked my wife to be in the Wedding party, not the Matron of Honor, but just in the bridal party, and of course I'm invited.Problem is, the girlfriend's fiancee was a past boyfriend of my wife. In fact, he was her 'first'. That's why we never hang out with them, but my wife and her friend do hang out and talk alot. But we're both uncomfortable with doing couples things because of my wife's past with this guy.I definately don't want to go to this wedding, nor have my wife in the wedding. I'm real uncomfortable with this. My wife is also uncomfortable, but thinks the past is over, just go to the wedding, we never have to hang out with them after it's over.I'm having a real hard time with being a part of this wedding with my wife's first 'real boyfriend'. I also (and my wife confirmed) am not sure that her girlfriend even knows about her fiancee and my wife's past.Don't I have a right not to have old memories brought back to the forefront by being in/going to this wedding. And should my wife talk to her girlfriend about her past with this guy?So confused. I just wish we could decline this wedding invite, and they'd just go away from our lives.
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female
reader, Curiouser  +, writes (5 January 2012):
People miss events that they really want to attend all the time, for pre-booked arrangements outside of their control, for work/ study commitments, or illness, emergency, lack of money etc etc etc.
Now there's an event that BOTH of you really don't want to go to- and it risks relations with your wife's friend if anything is revealed on the big day which your wife would rather keep unspoken. It also risks putting a strain on your relationship woth your wife. You know that she will inevitably be aware 'this could have been me...'
All you have to do is find yourself a REALLY good excuse so as not to hurt her friend. Heck, feign a minor operation if you have to! And maybe sent a thoughtful gift along in way of an apology if you can!
Things are great with your wife, so don't risk that for any niceties!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): Even my gut feeling over the matter says its not a wise decision and will stir up contention.
If Wife and You BOTH say its a bother to be in it- then a decision has already been made. Also why attend when you are both not genuine about well wishes? Why be fake about it all? That would steam me to have someone in my wedding photos to later discover that person harboured such feelings.
Why would wife HIDE/OMIT/LIE to the GF for so long? And NOW its an issue?
I agree that in wisdom and what is right is to decline.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Oh, and it seems to me to be a bit late for your wife to bring this up with her friend. If she was a good friend to this woman, I'm surprised that information wasn't shared by her already, if she chose not to share it back then, it seems to me to be a lot spiteful of her to bring it up now. Presumably, this friend knew she dated her fiancé? If she didn't, they weren't very good friends and at this point, it sounds like you two have written them off.
You go to a wedding to support your friends in their new life together, or to accompany someone special to the couple. As neither of you seem to qualify for these basic requirements, why not just pass on going altogether.
If your wife wants to go, it's pretty apparent she's over him, whatever they were to each other at one time is now being overwritten in a spectacularly public way. The ex is marrying someone else, which pretty well says, "My new wife is the future." It's not going to be a nostalgic weepiest over their breakup, right?
You could always find a compelling reason to be out of town or fall conveniently ill at the right moment, and your wife attend without you. Just be polite enough not to make the couple pay for your meal and give them enough notice to tell the caterer.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 January 2012):
 Is someone holding a gun to your head and FORCING you to go to the wedding against your will(s)?????
Last I checked, in the US of A, it's OK for a couple to decline an invitation to a wedding.....
Good luck....
P.S. Maybe there will be a good baseball game on TV that day. That should keep you and the missus busy....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 January 2012):
What old memories are being brought to the forefront for you? Are you battling retroactive jealousy?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 I understand that you wouldn't want to hang out, but a wedding is an important event and a one-off. For just this day I suggest putting this aside and going, and finding joy in their marriage. This is one of your wife's good friends and your wife should be there for her.
After that you don't have to see them again for a long time.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 January 2012):
 the past is the past...
I think you should let it go and be adult enough to celebrate the happiness of her friend.
Heck my current fiance and I game with my soon to be ex husband and his fiance.... the past is the past..
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 I think you both need to just bury this in the past. Yes am sure it would not be nice for you, but you need to see that she is your wife, you have her and that is it. She chose you to marry her. Everyone has a past, but you are her future. At the end of the day this is her friend and she should be there for her friend. I wouldn't even mention to her friend that they used to date. You need to see that it is her friends big day and nothing should ruin that. It is clear that your wife and this man has now moved forward with there life, so don't let the past be a problem now. It is only one day and if you trust your wife then it should not be a problem. He is marrying someone else he is not going to be trying to get with your wife. You both need to be mature adults about this and not think about the past.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2012): I can understand how you would have reservations about this - it's a tough situation to be in. Try looking at it this way: the fact the guy in question is marrying another woman puts him that much farther in the past. Your wife has moved on: she's married to you. This man has moved on: he's marrying another woman. If his soon-to-be wife doesn't know he and your wife were together at one point, I can pretty much guarantee he's not going to say or do anything inappropriate to you and your wife at his wedding. The last thing his bride wants to be reminded of on their wedding day is his past with another woman.I think it would look weirder if you DON'T go - like you hold a grudge against the guy, or your wife still has feelings for him and can't stand to see him marry someone else. You and she KNOW this is not true, but if this man's fianceé and your wife are close friends and she does not attend the wedding then the rumor mill is likely to start churning. Give it some thought. Best of luck :)
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