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My wife has violent outbursts. Should I get out of the relationship?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (2 November 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 4 November 2012)
A male United States age 36-40, *aez writes:

My wife and I have been married 5 years and have been trying to make it work for 4. She has put me in some tough positions, I have brought them up and feel no closure on them after the arguments that followed.

During my bachelor party I didn't want to do anything crazy I just wanted to go play some pool get too drunk and smoke cigarettes like I did in the Navy before we met. I invited her and my friends and their girlfriends and wives. She told me on the way down that I'm not going to smoke. I said actually I am and if its going to be a problem then we need to take you home real quick. She told me we'll see about that.

I was bewildered. I really didn't think she was going to make it into a problem but I knew if I took her back home there would likely be a big problem. So we went on with my night, had some dinner with friends and all started drinking and having fun. It was time for a smoke so I went outside with a couple smokers and... We smoked. When I came back in she b-lined across the room smelled my jacket and smacked me in the head hard. Like hard enough that people we didn't know turned around and looked at me, one if my friends cried out "That is bullshit". I had never had anything like this happen before and was completely stunned and at a loss for what to do. (I had smoked with her before, and she had even smoked with me... At this point I had also quit smoking for about 6 months).

So I sorta just grovelled, I'm sorry but it's just tonight if you can't be around it then you need to leave. She guilt tripped me pretty hard until I got pushed to the point where I was no longer sorry and that I couldn't believe it was happening so I made her leave and walked her about a mile through downtown so she would get to the car safe while all my friends kinda just stayed there waiting for me to get back. The rest of the night was just awkward and weird and it felt like the only reason people where staying was that it was even more awkward on leave.

Down the line we started arguing bad about twice a week, I would ask where these things were coming from and she would just start balling and ask why I'm doing this to her, or she would threaten to call the cops if I went from concerned and quizzical to talking loudly. I'm not a teller but after about 2-3 years of not laying a finger on her and having her threaten to call the police I started yelling during fights.

She would hit me during fights and all I ever did was tense up my body and take it so that it would hurt her hand if she tried too hard and I wouldn't get smacked anymore (never hit me in the face or head again after the bachelor party)

She has out bursts that are just devastating but in between the outbursts I'd wish the relationship we had together on anybody, always smiling, cheerful, we liked to make dinner together and would take walks with our dog and sit and talk.

Some if the outbursts include shredding me when I missed an exit on the freeway while we were talking, "OMG I'm driving from now on do you just drive around and hope you get places?!"

I was thinking about her one day so I got her a cup of coffee, one I had seen her order a handful if times in the past, OMG I can't believe you would get me this! This is the exact same drink that sent me to the hospital (she gets migraines and at the time we weren't sure what caused them, still aren't) but I had just seen her order it like a month prior, so I took her back to the coffee house and she's just yelling at me the whole time "oh great now we're going to waste even more money!" (Money is not a problem for us at all... I ain't driving a BMW but I can handle a $3 cup of coffee...) so this fight I got tired of getting an ear full and everything I was saying got flipped around on me so at a stop light I put the car and park and got out

I run a business, take 2 full loads in college, do IT work part time for a local aspiring pet shop, I do all the house hold chores and the past 6 months I had been brining out hard. I asked her to pick up responsibility on this one thing that I really hate doing but doesn't actually require a ton of time just doing it really dampens my day and she refused claiming their are thousands of people in the world that have a harder life than me. This task would require her to wake up about 20 minutes early which I didn't think would be a problem since we both get up at like 9...

So I just don't know what to do, she refuses to do anything I ask of her, wrecks me when one of my 10,000 tasks isn't done by the time she gets home and god forbid I don't have dinner ready.

I'm pretty sure she'll never change, but I'm worried about getting out on this relationship and having the remote possibility that this could happen again.

Can somebody help me?

View related questions: drunk, money, navy, violent

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2012):

You're darn right she isn't going to change. Do you really think it's possible to live the rest of your life with her and not either turn into a raving lunatic yourself or completely shut down?

I've been married 15 years, and in this and all my previous relationships there has NEVER been even an ounce of what you describe in this post.

I've had family members and friends who had partners similar to yours. I can tell you, it always ends ugly. You may tough it out another 20 years (although I sincerely hope you will choose otherwise) and in the end she will dump you when a good enough reason and alternative option comes along for her.

whatever you do, do NOT have kids with this woman. Don't be responsible for bringing someone into this world who has HER for a mother. Kids also tie you to the other person forever even if you eventually divorce so you can never truly walk away from this person. Think about that. If the time comes when she demands having children, take that as your Sign From Above that is is time for you to divorce her. You have until then to make plans for ending this marriage.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012):

I think if you are already asking yourself the question, it's because you know the answer already. If you stay and she doesn't change it will break your spirit even more with time, and if you end up having children (assuming you currently don't have any) it will be more difficult to do this later. I am one to encourage people to stick out but when it gets to the point that no matter what you do, you feel that it is never good enough, you will reach a point where you can no longer take it. Either seek counselling together or leave this unhealthy relationship. It must be really hard to live this way.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012):

you seem to be a very loving and a very caring husband. I am truly sorry that you have to go through yelling and hitting from your wife. I wonder why your wife is behaving like that !! Do you have kids? do you want kids in the future? what would the situation be if she has one of her tantrums in front of the kids?

I would say she has anger issues and she needs help.

Has she been always like that? Have you been long enough together before you got married? If you say she used to smoke, what made her quit? and why she was angry in your bachelor party about you smoking? is it possible that a male figure in her family suffered from smoking and she is worried about you? You really need to sit her down and talk to her about everything you mentioned in your question to us!! This is a marriage, two people decide to be together and share their life together. She is not sharing !!

Youwish said it all, she is right, I would say go first for marriage counselling and if she refuses then I guess you will have to walk away from the marriage!! how long can any human being bear such a life. Stand up for yourself and good luck.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (2 November 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntWaez, you are in an abusive relationship and will need help in getting out safely. Please go to this website and find the local resources that will help you out of this situation:

Best wishes to you.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (2 November 2012):

YouWish agony auntLet's focus on the violence here first. If the situation was reversed, and it was a husband bashing his wife in the head and slapping all over her (violent guys often hit their wives where they know that bruises won't show), we'd talk about her getting away from him as fast as possible.

My opinion doesn't change just because you're the guy and she's hitting you. Domestic violence is domestic violence.

If you're interested in continuing the marriage, it's apparent that you can't do it on your own. Counseling is a good effort here. However, you must make it clear that she is not to lay a single finger on you.

If you're not interested in being together anymore, then best to end it before 5 years becomes 10. From what you've said, she sounds like she has a forceful and abrasive personality.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012):

You tried for four years. Life is too short, don't waste the best years of your life fighting with a woman who clearly nothing you do will ever be good enough to satisfy her.

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