A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi allWhere I work, its mostly with women and as a result I am friendly and comfortable around women,although my wife isn't too happy about it.There's one particular girl who I work very closely with and I'll admit i get on particularly well with. Although nothing untoward is going on, my wife does tend to make snidey comments about her, so I try not to mention her at home.At Xmas, a few of us exchanged gifts, normally wine or chocolates. This girl gave me a present which was neither. When I opened it Xmas morning it was expensive aftershave. My wife was very disdainful of it, said it was too personal a gift and I wasn't to wear it.However I think it's a bit ungrateful to just pass it on, or put it to the back of the cupboard.Is she over-reacting? Am I being inconsiderate to her if I wear it? Is this girl trying to tell me something? I do know she only bought a present for one other person at work, and that was quite an impersonal oneOpinions please
View related questions:
at work, co-worker Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): OP, by asking the question publicly here, you have opened yourself up to "judgment."Let me tell you that my affair of close to 3 years began just this way. I am 15 years younger than him. We worked closely and even attended events off site together.I too thought it was just two people who got along well. Until.... The moment came. It will come. When the spark that lights the fire will go off. Lift off. The engine starts. The ignition switch is hit. When it did, I began my pursuit of him. Because it all started to build and build up to the point of no return. He was interested alright but tried to back off and tried to keep me at arm's length knowing fully well that we were sexually attracted to each other. And approaching dangerous ground. But I did not let him back off. I did not stop till I got him and here we are still 3 years later with the affair as hot as ever. He had no resistence towards me. Still doesn't. I am not predicting your co-worker will step it up like me. Not all single women pursue married men. But I did. Neither of us expected it to happen but it did. And it does. It's just a matter of time. And yes, your wife has the right to tell you who you can and can't be friendly with because in this case she sees the younger lady as a threat. And the younger lady IS a threat. You and I both know it. And I suspect all of these other "keyboard warriors" know it too.Been there. Done that.Still doing it....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2016): OP again
Nice to see the faceless keyboard warriors are passing judgment again! When I say I work with her very closely, its not the same as being 'very close' to her personally.We never socialise outside of work, but I see nothing wrong with being friendly at work.I don't recall anywhere me saying that I found her attractive? Shes a good 15 years younger than me, and I'm not Kevin Spacey in American Beauty lol.
My point is, and this is why I asked the question, why cant 2 people of the opposite sex work together, appreciate each others company and personalities without everyone assuming their 'at it' This is what my wife thinks and I'm deliberately kicking out at her because I dont think she has the right to tell me who I can and cant be friendly with. I feel if I meekly give in and get rid of it, she's going to take it as an admission of guilt (in fact I know she is, she's as good as said so) so Im in a no-win situation.
The irony is, I've never worn aftershave and never wanted to, but I feel I want to put it on just to say "Look, I've got nothing to hide or be ashamed of"
But thanks to those who have replied with genuinely thought out answers
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): Don't you have a male best friend you could give it to? It doesn't have to be a relative, sounds like you are making excuses to keep it. You could always sell it on ebay.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2016): So OP your argument is essentially this:'I am annoyed that my wife expects me to get rid of an expensive present given to me by a woman I'm very close to that she has never met and I've admitted I think is attractive, because it makes her uncomfortable. How dare she?'I know how you feel man - wouldn't it be so much easier if our partners had no expectations and would just let us get on with our work flirtations hassle free. Personally I think your wife should dump you on your sorry ass for being so inconsiderate!When did this idea start that husbands and wives have 'no right' to ask the other to change something they don't like? People are far too caught up in not being told 'what to do' these days. I've been with my wife for 34 years and she is number 1 to me in all areas. If a random colleague made her uncomfortable, even if it WAS irrational, she'd be gone because it's my job to make sure she feels like she's the only woman that truly matters to me (daughters aside).
...............................
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (10 January 2016):
If you can honestly say that keeping a bottle of perfume a colleague gave you means more to you than your marriage, then go ahead and keep it. Otherwise, whether it is 'ungrateful' or not, get rid of it and accept that sometimes it's your job as a spouse to put your own ego aside to keep your other half happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2016): Kid in a candy shop has way more temptations.
Any woman whose husband is in this predicament knows this too well OP.
Always another bus around the corner you can hop on.
All it takes is the right time. A moment of weakness. Being caught off guard. A fight with your wife. A fight with her boyfriend. Working late one night. A mutual business trip. Anything at all. And of course, nobody ever meant for it to happen. But that doesn't mean you would be able to stop it in the heat of the moment. Or a moment of weakness. Nobody entering an affair ever meant for it to happen but they made the choice to proceed instead of back away.
Relationships progress. The closer you work together the more things can escalate. One thing leads to another.
Take it from somebody who is there right now.
Lines do get crossed. And this scenario of work place affairs is unfortunately all too common these days.
I suggest you find a way to change departments or jobs.
I guarantee you. It's just a matter of time.
You have already entertained these thoughts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2016): Hi OP.
After reading your response, you sound pretty egotistical and self involved.
Careful now.
You're walking on thin ice.
The fact you are trying to justify yourself to all of the respondents one by one is quite telling.
You are not beyond capable of having an affair with this woman. I can see that by the hints in your character you have just provided. In fact, I am quite sure you have entertained the thought and could possibly end up in a bad situation down the line.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2016): Hi, OP here
Thanks for all your answers, some more helpful than others.
Its not so much that I dont understand my wifes reaction, it's more the way she has demanded that I never wear it, or that I throw it out. I have no male relatives to pass it onto, but I think it would be ungrateful to simply throw it away.In an ideal world, I'd give it back to my colleague but it would then cause more awkwardness - "Sorry, I can't accept this because my wife thinks it signifies we're having an affair " Response- Embarrassment, denial , " I just thought it was a nice gift to buy you " Tears, end of friendship.
Honeypie - I honestly wouldn't mind if her male boss or a colleague bought her perfume, maybe I'm too open minded in that way
Wise Owl - Yes, I was flattered, and fully understand what the intention MAY have been, hence asking for advice on here.
Cindy Cares - Yes, look but dont touch, I'm well aware and have no intention of risking either my marriage or my job.It would have been a lot easier to have opened the present at work, then everything could have been brushd under the carpet, and my wife would never have known.If I'd suspected it would be something to cause an upset,I wouldnt have opened it Christmas morning with my family, but in my innocence I did, and it can't now be undone
Female anon - I pity your boyfriend that you don't trust him purely because he works with women.In any job theres always a good chance you'll be working with the opposite sex and most manage to get through the day without jumping each other. My wife works mainly with men, do I trust her? Yes I do, so why can't she trust me?
Male anon - I'm glad you found it 'pleasurable' to read! Yes, she did single me out to a degree, unsurprising in view of our job roles.My wife knows I work closely with her, my wife herself benefits at times from it, so I never understood why she was QUITE SO NASTY about her, which is why I try not to mention her, although I then get moaned at for not discussing my day at work.My wife has never met this girl, doesn't know what she looks like even, so maybe she has built up a whole situation in her mind which this present has just confirmed for her? Who knows,she wont discuss it.
And no, this girl hasnt got a partner.She has no shortage of male attention and has had several boyfriends in the time I've worked with her, so I doubt very much if she's holding a torch for me.
As for the final comment, you hit the nail on the head.I stink and she bought me expensive aftershave rather than the cheap deodorant I deserved
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): Has it crossed your mind that you may be a bit 'whiffy'
Is there some reason behind the after shave choice, is it a favourite you have mentioned or wore before, or was it a bog off offer, buy one get one free? or have you pricked her...!!!
Many possible reasons, but one thing for sure,I would not dare wear it unless you want to use it as a wife repellant( think on)
Grow a santa beard in time for next year.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): I read all the answers with such a pleasure.I am a man who also works closely with women. I keep it professional. I am kind but I keep my distance. My best "defense" at workplace? I talk about my wife all the time :)I am not saying you did anything to "inspire" that lady to give you something else than wine/chocolates, but... what has she given to other colleagues? Has she bought expensive perfumes for girls/women and cologne for other boys/men?She singled you out. Now, even if you haven't given her any signs, you MUST wonder why she did that.I think that your wife is overreacting IF there's really nothing going on. And yes. You should objectivly examine the situation. Has your wife been otherwise jealous without a reason? The fact that your wife started with comments about that woman suggests that she was somehow special to you. Up to the point that you stopped talking about her alltogether BUT continued to have a special relationship with her.Men are not that oblivious as we pretend to be. But in case you really somehow are (which I don't think) - wake up call - this woman's attention is inappropriate. Maybe you're enjoying it without any plans, but make no mistake you could be sending this woman wrong signals. OK. So you're in you mid-forties (and no, I am not going to mention mid-life crisis). The woman in question can be anywhere between her late twenties and you age. If she is single and receives some kind of interest from you, and she obviously likes you... well, you do the math. If she's not single (does her significant other knows she's buying aftershave for another man?) she could be unhappy in her relationship looking anywhere from a little bit of platonic romance to to jumping ship. In any case, she's as innocent as you are oblivious.Now, it's obvious that you should not wear that aftershave. What do you do with it? You can't give it back (toomuch drama), but you should make your relationship with that woman strictly professional.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): Most of these answers are bang on. Especially WiseOwl.My boyfriend also works with mainly women and let me tell you this set up bugs the living hell out of me. I cannot stand it and it is the most difficult cross to bear. I have become hyper vigilant about everything and real or imagined it has caused me worry, stress and anxiety issues. Almost to the point where I have walked away. Even if nothing is going on now, I am always worried about what can happen tomorrow. Like the saying goes where there is smoke, there is fire. And I don't trust my boyfriend totally either which makes the situation all the more difficult. It doesn't look like your wife trusts you totally and now the girl at work who has gone out of her way to give you an inappropriate gift.Thankfully it is not closely and thankfully he does not have to have repeated contact with one in particular he finds attractive like you do.Your wife is right to be worried.She knows the reality of this situation. It can escalate if you don't nip it in the bud. If I were you, I would get away from this girl at work. Get another job. Transfer departments. Whatever is necessary. You should not be working this closely with any woman when you are married. This becomes a convenient excuse for an affair to happen.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 Although, as for my personal opinion, I do not think that aftershave is too personal a gift, and it is in fact the typical, neutral, " I don't know anything about your tastes " gift that I would choose for some older distant relative ; and although, therefore, I don 't think this girl was necessarily marking her territory, it might have been an innocent, casual choice... in your specific case, yeah, if I were your wife I would not be pleased.
It does not take a lot of "reading between the lines ", OP- your post just oozes the fact that you are as pleased as Punch for the closeness with your work wife, and for the special attention she reserved to you among all colleagues.
I believe that nothing untoward is going on, and that you do not want it to go on. And even if you indulged in a bit of daydreaming, oh well... as long as you don't get into the restaurant, reading the menu is allowable, I suppose.
But- keep it for yourself. Don't bring it home. Do not irritate or humiliate your wife showing her how much these attentions tickle you pink.
So.. the expensive aftershave will be a perfect re-gift for some family member.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): Put yourself in your wife's shoes- she works closely with a male colleague & at Christmas he buys her an expensive perfume- how would you feel? How would you react? Yes it was a nice gesture that your colleague made, however maybe there is an attraction between you both? In just reading in between the lines & could be wrong....
It's clear your wife feels threatened by your colleague - which isn't in my opinion an over reaction- once again - if your wife worked with a group of men &!got on particularly well with 1 would you too not have the same reaction??
I personally wouldn't be too pleased if my husband was in this position...
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 You want to stay married? Throw it out bro.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): I think your wife has you pretty well figured out. You work "closely" with that female, and you spend the better part of of your day with her. Perhaps more than you do with your wife.
You seem a little too flattered by the gift; and it was intended to be personal, and send a message. You may be sending the wrong signals; and your wife knows you better than anyone. The fact you don't want to mention the other female seems a little suspect to me. If you know it ticks your wife off, perhaps you need to find someone other than a single young female to work close to. Finding your wife's discomfort unreasonable; speaks in volumes about how little you understand or care about her feelings.
You and that female coworker are getting far too cozy. Your wife has a gut-feeling; and you are a middle-aged male reaching that point in life many men have affairs.
Re-gift the aftershave to your father or a brother. If you wear it, the other woman will expect to get a whiff of it.
She didn't buy it for your wife's pleasure, that's for certain. If your wife smells you wearing it, it would be the same as smelling another woman's perfume on you. Be logical. We men think logically, not emotionally. She's in a way putting her scent on you. What she'd like you to smell like.
Don't play naive, because that's a dead giveaway more is going on than meets the eye, and your wife's no fool.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 January 2016):
 You need to think about your priorities .....
grab a bit of paper, and a pen, and organise the following list in order of importance to you:
Aftershave purchased by acquaintance
Work colleague wife makes snide comments about
Wife
Your marriage
If anything other than your wife or marriage hit the top of the list wear the aftershave and also wear the consequences. Give the aftershave to your wife to either regift or donate to the local seniors centre ... who might be able to use it as a bingo prize or something.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 January 2016):
 I agree that aftershave can be considered a pretty personal gift over wine/chocolates.
And I would tell the girl thanks, but maybe to stick to less personal presents in the future.
Is it inconsiderate towards your wife to wear it? Well, while I think you wife is overreacting here (and I kind of wonder why.... because I bet there is more to this story then you having a platonic friendship or a "work-wife") Anyways, I would NOT wear it if I was you.
If my husband started wearing a cologne picked out by another woman (than me or even his daughters) I would not appreciate it either. One could see is as another woman "scent-marking" you with a scent SHE (the non-wife) prefers..... See what I'm getting at?
WOULD you like if your wife received an expensive bottle of (let's say) Chanel No 5 that YOU hadn't bought? That she smelled GOOD due to AND for another man? No matter HOW innocent and platonic the gift was meant?
Had you been single, I think it would not have been a "too personal" gift, but you are not.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2016): Aftershave is too personal a gift. I would actually tell her you can not accept it but thank her. I think you are disrespecting your wife if you wear it.
...............................
|
