A
male
age
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*oserman
writes:Hello. I write to you today because I recently found out that my lovely wife, best friend, and mother of my 3 lovely children has had an ongoing sexual relationship for the last 10 years. I found emails from the two of them on her laptop and they featured emails about "meeting at the park" in 10 minutes and post-coital emails after the fact like "thanks, I am all hot and sweaty now and looking forward to next month." I confronted my wife and she finally confessed about 2 month ago. She told me "it was only for the sex" as if that is something that would sooth me. She said that she never wanted me to know because she did not want to hurt my feelings but that sex with me for our first 15 years of marriage was not good enough and she needed someone else. This person was an ex-boss of hers and they got along well and he typically had a wife who does not REALLY love him passionately, so they started hooking up. So my beautiful mother of 3 spent nearly the first two years of this relationship bent over up against a tree in the park or bending over to perform bj's on him, etc. Then when I took another job, they started using our van and spent most of the subsequent 8 years doing it (according to her) 3 times a year in the backseat of the family van. This has been devastating on MANY levels. First of all, my wife and I always SEEMED to have a pretty good sex life, I have always tried to give her an O each time. She has never been able to do it vaginally, but I always did oral on her to make it happen for her. Also, she is the sort of person that is well-respected in the community, actively involved in church and a scout leader who volunteers for everyone. So many people have told me I was a lucky guy to marry a woman with so much integrity that I cannot count them all. I never really suspected her simply because she was (to me) the most honest, decent person I have ever met. She has 3 great young kids at home and I simply could not see it. She tells me now it was just for the sex, that apparently he had more to his package than I have, that it is NOT my fault, I simply was born that way, etc. She said she never told me because she loved me so much. I know she is worried about her parents, two of the best people I have ever known who truly walk the walk. She also loves her reputation. She wants so badly to keep the family together and quite frankly, SO DO I. I love my family so much. But how to deal with it in my mind? She has been so nice to me lately, particularly sexually, and she has been a good caring friend through this. She acknowledges her guilt and seems remorseful. But how DO I GET OVER IT? This all started when my kids were 5, 2 and 6 months and basically spans their life growing up. All those memories, all those damn photos around the house, my wife smiling wiht the kids on her birthday on a DATE THAT I KNOW from her emails that she has sex multiple times with the guy. I feel like all those memories of that time are ruined! I am so sad from it. How about the fact that they traded off times in each of our houses, sneaking in OUR bedroom when I was out of town and sneaking into his when she "had to run down to the mall" one time, or so she says. I am so hurt and I cannot believe her. She has given many details but withholds or releases others so slowly that I do not know what the truth is. She promises to be faithful from now on and I have contacted the other man and had a frank discussion about the hundreds of emails (and yes a few photos, they loved to text each other photos), that I have and that I will ruin him with respect to his family if he has contact with my wife. He has called me and literally cried begging me to forgive him. The other end of this equation is that I want to hurt him so badly. I want to make up with my wife, but every time there is down time my mind lapses back into how much it sucks that she did these things, that another human being KNOWS her, knows her ways, her face her body the way that I do. I hurt so bad and if I could just do something about those memories, it would help. She seems to be moving on just fine, loving her life enjoying her kids and the fun of life, but I am stuck in this misery. I feel like her and her lover will go on just fine and I will be stuck with memories of my family ruined and my thoughts on this for the rest of my life. My friends, she really always was a great person to me, although she did greatly reduce sex during this period. That that perfect lady who was so brave in having those kids (I saw all of them born right out of her body) would let someone else bend her over in park just kills me. AND YES, it did NOT end until I found the emails, only then did they end it, going right up until December of 2012. I want our family to survive and I want to lvoe her again, but I need to feel better myself. Any thoughts?Loserman
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2013): I think you should leave her. Let's face it, you can never trust her again. You know what a good actress she is. She's been doing it for 10 years. I understand you want to keep your family together but imagine what kind of family would that be, realistically, if you can never trust her again (nor should you). You will likely never get over this because this wasn't a one time thing it was a decade. I think the only way you can stay married to her is to ACCEPT that she will continue to cheat on you and somehow learn to be OK with the idea of sharing her with another man. Accept that there is and probably will always be infidelity in your marriage IF you choose to continue being married to this woman. You can't change the reality from what it is. You can only accept it and be realistic about what your options are. You cannot move forward to be like a "normal" family because this isn't one and you can't deny that. many people have affairs lasting decades and their spouses eventually find out and if they continue to stay married, sort of agree to turn a blind eye. that is the only way they can keep the marriage together which is to acknowledge that there IS and WILL continue to be infidelity and just find a way to accept it. That's the price you pay for deciding to continue a marriage to someone who is unfaithful. It is YOUR CHOICE to continue this marriage or not, and if you choose to, then this is the price you have to pay. If you want a monogamous relationship then you have to leave her and move on and find someone else.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 March 2013):
One more thing - this has been said before, but this is 100% your wifes fault. The other party had not a single shred of loyalty or commitment to you, and owed you nothing. Newsflash - he was just trying to use someone as a slampiece, and your wife graciously allowed him to do so, for ten years.....
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (6 March 2013):
Sorry my man, but you need some tough love here.This was not a one time thing that she came clean about on her own, this was a woman who willingly subverted you in the most caustic way possible FOR TEN YEARS, and only admitted it as such after you caught her red handed. Then, after being discovered, instead of begging you for forgiveness, she blew it off like it was "only sex." I dont know how else to put this, but if you for one minute even consider going back to this parasite you are perhaps the biggest fool I have ever known of.First, you dont really have a wife, so you really dont have a family either, so there is really nothing for you to keep together. Second, if I were you I would call the best divorce lawyer I knew and listen to everything he said. Document everything - get those mails and text messages. Print them out and put them on hard drives and store them in a safe deposit box under your brothers/best friends name. Anytime you speak with her, record the conversation - if you live in a state where you dont have to tell her, all the better. If I were you, I ask for everything - the house, the cars, the kids, palimony, child support, everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): JusthelpinAgain made a good point. 6 months after giving birth the mother starts messing around? That doesn't sound right. The point is that you cannot trust her word. I know you would like to trust her but that does not change the problem. Trusting her when she has been dishonest is not going to make her honest, it is just going to encourage her to try to get away with more lies. So don't be a fool. DNA test all your kids. The truth will come out sooner or later. If not now, then in future years when genetic information becomes increasingly relevant for medical care. Does the other man deserve your anger? Yes. But being angry at him will not help your situation, and BEING ANGRY AT YOUR WIFE *WILL* HELP. She will never be faithful to a man she does not respect. You cannot be so easy on her and expect her to continue to respect you. She has wronged you about as badly as a wife can wrong a husband and you don't seem to be doing much to hold it against her. If you will not get angry at her for yourself then get angry at her because it is necessary to start healing the relationship. Pointing your pent-up anger at the other guy will cause more problems than it will fix. You don't need to forgive him but you need to see him for what he is. It took both of those people to cheat for 10 years and only one of them has anything to do with you. You don't really even know if this guy was your wife's first affair and you don't know if he will be her last. Okay, so you read her correspondence . . who says your wife was always telling HIM the truth either? It's one more reason to stop taking her word and DNA test the kids.
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reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (5 March 2013):
I find it hard to believe a mother with a 6month old infant would have the interest or opportunity to start an affair. Check a bit more. If you do want to stay for the sake of the children then accept sex is just a bodily function, it doesnt define the person. Whatever it meant to you has been trashed by your wife. Take a lover, prove it to yourself, sex is just sex. More of a problem is the lying and deception. I think you will have a hard time really believing her ever again. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): WOW, this is a hard situation and I would never tell someone to leave their family, because it's really something you have to ask yourself. For me, what she did is not fixable. 10 years with one man is not just a hook up and was much more then a sexual void. Like you mentioned he knows her body like you do, but what he mostly knows a side to her that you don't. So know she is a bit foreign to you. Seeing a marriage counselor could help, but be ready to hear a lot you don't want to hear. I think a good question to ask her is "Why didn't you just leave me after you established an affair?" If she was staying with you to not hurt you, or mess up the family, that is just selfish. She is not doing you or your family any favors, by being a someone she really is not. Especially to you. I'm sure if you didn't catch her, she would be still having the affair. I'm sure you are angry, and want some sort of revenge. In some ways it's not really the other mans fault because the one person who should of had control, was your wife. However 10 years is a long time and this man was more then taking advantage of you as well. So what would be the harm in letting his wife be aware of the situation. I mean come one, what's fair is fair. These images may never go away, and as much as you want to hold onto what you have, think about what it is you really need for you. If you move on, will you ever feel the confidence you once had? Are you always going feel she is not being honest with you? I wish you luck with this..
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): helloi'm feeling so sorry for you,well maybe i'm too young to give you advices but when i read your post, i couln't leave without a reply. first of all,i'm sure you MUST do a DNA test for your kids, DON'T belive her. i see here female posters who usually said "leaving her it's not making you feel better" etcc, but i'm totally disagree with them, hey bro how is possible to trust someone(no matter what gender is) who has been lying to you for 10 yrs.....that's impossible10 yrs is sooooo long time, she was having sex behind your back, into your place, van, bed etcc ...this is unbeliveablewell if you want to keep your family together(wich sounds great to me) at first, make sure who has fathered her kids, if it's not you, then leave her IMMEDIATELY but if you want to stay your marriage i think the best choice is to have an open marriage, so you stay together for children's sake and she can't take advantage on you anymore.... and plzzz don't call yourself anymore "loserman" because you haven't done anything bad, simply there are a lot of unresponsible girls/woamns and no matter what you do for them, they cheat over and over again...so 1.be sure who is the father of her kids(because of her long affair 10 yrs)2.if you want your family together-then make marriage "open", 3.don't trust her again, 4.don't show her affection 'cuz she's not worthly and 5. plz have fun, enjoy your life ,i'm sure you DESERVE itgood luck bro
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reader, Loserman +, writes (5 March 2013):
Loserman is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone for your responses. Each of you give me something to think about. Those that think I should quit I can see their point of view and while I do not (for the time) agree with it, each of these kind individuals has given me at least one point to think about. For those that agree I should try and stick it out, I can say one thing and that is that it will Make an Interesting Adventure, that is for sure. I think time is on my side, the kids are happy, the sex is great, the only problem is that she tires of answering questions about it and I worry about the truth. I will ask her about something, getting gift for xmas for example and she will tell me a little and then when pressed 2 weeks later, the story grows and grows. I really do think knowing the details (and yes, even the sexual details, heck I might as well hear her have to talk dirty and get something out of this!!--I mean, some of this stuff against a tree in park, in hotel rooms under assumed names, in our own bedroom for gods sake is Penthouse letters kind of stuff at least when one is horny) really kind of keeps me from wondering. But when she says, well it started as once a month for the infatuation period but ended up only a couple or three times a year, I have a tendency to multiply everything by at least 2 or 3 and figure it was several times a year at least. As for the kids, I have contacted him seperately and I have 107 emails that I have saved that spell out alot and I think it is true that he pursued her on a date in the evening of her last day at that company. The emails about it and her story and his independent response to my quesiton lead me to believe that that rings true. My final child was born 6 month before that last day at work and I feel pretty comfortable that they are my kids. The first two there is no doubt about. It was only the 3rd that concerned me. However, really I am not certain that I would want to know. I love my little buddy and I am proud he is my kid so I will leave it alone. DO I worry that she will start again sometime? Yes, she seems to have a fixation with larger penises and that concerns me. but I really think that this guy is so very very concerned about his family situation that HE is done with her anyway. But will she fall again? that is a worry for sure. For now, she really seems like her old self, I mean when we first got together and that is very nice. She has sex with me 4 or 5 times a week and yes she does things she did not do before much, such as oral and all of that and she really has aimed to please. I think TIME is on my side, why not see how it goes over the next 6 month and then decide? But it is those damn memories, all the pictures of things over the years that bother me the most. I swear I thought we were having a good time then, but in retrospect and with her telling her lover ALL KINDS of things about me (how small I am down there, how much better he is, etc.) it is still very difficult at times and I wish I could feel better about all of that. I love my memories with my kids growing up. But it is very hard to KNOW (and her emails leave NO doubt) that on our 20th anniversary she begged him to meet her at a park where she could give him a bj, or her having sex on one of my birthdays with him at the park, or well, you get the picture. Why was she so mean about it? Still, I think taking some time and seeing how it goes and enjoying the much much much better sex is not such a bad thing for now. Heck, she is really very affectionate now and all the attention is nice. SO I guess I will wait and see. But at some point, HE does have to pay as well. I have no doubt that my wife would have been NOTHING more than a bored wife of 25 years if HE had not strategically asked her out after she left the company and if he had NOT stuck his tongue in her mouth that night. Even when she did not initially respond to him he kept it up and while YES, she is guilty, he was the one (email verified) who thought it would be funny to screw her in my bedroom, etc. So as a man he knew that if he got caught there would be hell to pay and there needs to be SOME retribution. Thanks to all and look forward to more. You are all very nice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): There is a time to forgive. This is not it. Your wife would still be doing this today if you had not caught her. Forgiving people who aren't sorry does not make you the better man, it makes you the doormat. Her words are saying she is sorry while 10 years of actions and emails are saying she is not. There is something to be said for staying for the sake of the kids, but your wife has forced your hand here. It is not doing the kids any favors to grow up with a father and mother acting like this. Her taking advantage of your decency and you letting her do it. These kinds of relationship problems will affect them whether you tell them about it or not. The comments about the "good girl persona" and "she is only human" ring true to me. But that does nothing to make me think any less badly of her. Seriously . . the great burden of being upstanding citizen drove her to bang another guy for 10 years? Oh please. A public image like that is a willing choice she makes. That image has to be carefully constructed and maintained with a lot of effort. It wasn't forced upon her, she chooses every day to keep it up. If the burden of her image drove her to cheat, well, then her public image was more valuable to her than her husband and her marriage. I would not want that person for a wife.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): From what you write i can feel your pain. I am with you.
I don't think you need to leave her because of this - I think you already had the realization that leaving your wive and losing your family wouldn't help you feel better a single bit. your bad feelings towards yourself are not because you're angry at her, but because of issues of self-respect and confidence. that is totally normal when you're being cheated! So how can you get that self-confidence back? Multiple things, but most of all, time. Give yourself time, and ask your wife for help. Yes dammit, she got you there, now it is her duty to get you out of there, too! Now it is time for you to be the selfish one in the relationship, at least a little more. E.g.
Talk about your sex life...make her do what YOU like...experiment a little even (what's at stake anyway)... and believe her when she says she loves you and wants to keep the family together.
IMHO, your wife's public persona sounds too much of a "good girl" persona to be true. Larger than life. Somewhere in there, she is only human after all, and that includes a bit of being bad, too... that might have been what was her main motivation in this long-term affair.
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reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 If you really want to make your marriage work, which is what you're obviously wanting to do, i think you are going to both need to see a marriage counsellor. This issue is too big for you to carry alone.
Marriages can survive affairs, and so can yours. Don't listen to the quitters. You have 3 kids who need you with them at home. Fight for your marriage. If it doesn't work out, at least you can say you did everything you could to try to make it work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Hey, I agree with what everyone here has said, but add like to add one thing. Are you really sure about when the affair started, and are you sure the kids are really yours??
I'd find out if I were you!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): I'm sorry but I also think you need to leave her. This one is not fixable IMHO. You need to DNA test all your kids. There is no way in hell you can trust her word about when the affair started and ended and who fathered your children. She would still be lying to your face right now if you had not caught her. (How can you really even trust that this guy was the only one? Maybe there were others before him!) I think your wife loves you but she does not respect you. She loves her clean reputation and her adventurous cheating sex life a lot more than she respects you. I don't know why you are focusing your anger and hurt on the other man - it belongs focused on her. Channeling the bad feelings away to preserve the marriage is not the answer. You deserve respect from your wife, not just love. Do you really think she is even going to stop the affair now? I doubt it. Maybe she will stop it for a little while. Maybe she will even change to another man. But she isn't done cheating yet, I would bet money on that. Her reasons for the affair are painful and they are excuses. She does not sound sorry she did it, she only sounds sorry she got caught and now there are consequences. I'm sure she wants to "stay together for the kids" as much as you do. It means that for all intents and purposes she gets away with the whole thing. You forgive, she takes advantage, you hurt, she continues on like everything is fine. This is not how a healthy marriage works. It's not your fault this marriage is broken. DO NOT accept responsibility for breaking up the marriage because you did not do it. She did. If she wasn't sexually satisfied with you then she should not have married you. If she wanted to be with you because you were a "good provider" and a "good husband" then I would call that using you. She has been taking what you can offer her and not respecting you. All the guilt and apologies on earth will not change that basic problem.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I am truly sorry but you must leave her right away. Take a look at what you have written and ask yourself, who exactly are you trying to persuade here? She is not the decent woman you thought she was. Had she truly possessed what integrity you thought she did, you would not be here reading this and seeking a way out of this misery. And it is misery she has condemned you to. What fleeting moments of joy you two have from now on, are they truly joyous? You seem to be locked in a battle with yourself, trying to fight for your marriage that your family might stay intact because you hope that one day things will return to normal. But look at what she has done. It did not occur only once. It was not a mistake or a moment of weakness that took hold of your wife. She knew what she was doing and she kept it going for a decade of your life and now she only feels guilt because she was caught. Not due to any compulsion to tell you out of what she claims is her love for you, she feels this way because you will look at her differently and think of her differently because her ugly little secret has spilled.
I understand your desire, your need to keep this marriage going, especially after so long. But take a breath and look at it in its entirety. It is not worth what heartache the future will bring you. If your concern is for the children, I can honestly tell you that they will hurt but they will move on and they can be happy. Your family can still be happy, only leave this woman.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2013): Professional counseling. Please find a reputable counselor who is successful, trustworthy, and has been counseling couples for at least 15 years.
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reader, wonderbread +, writes (4 March 2013):
Leaving her isn't the only option to get over this. It's going to be a long hard battle, but it can be done. You're going to have to keep forgiving your wife, and the man she was fooling around with. I'm telling you to forgive him for your sake, not his. If you try to exact revenge on him, you'll hurt more people then just him.There are types of counselling for these situations, and know that you're not the only one who has experienced this. If you are people that have a religion, try counselling with your spiritual leader. Also, seek professional counselling, and make your wife attend if she wants to keep the marriage. And continually be upfront with her about this. She's carrying on as if this isn't a big deal, but let her know it is. You're hurt. Really hurt, and you are justified. But honestly, before you make any major decisions, please get counselling, as they can work with you one on one. Best of luck.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (4 March 2013):
She deceived you for so long and hurt you so bad that I believe that the only way you can get over it is to leave her. I know that's not what you want to hear but cheating of this magnitude permanently alters things. You'll never be able to look at her the same for many reasons. First of all, she has proven that she isn't who you thought she was. She's not trustworthy, so how will you feel when she leaves the house?
If you leave her you will be able to heal. You don't have to break the family up (she took care of that), you can share custody of the children and remain civil. If you stay with her I don't see things EVER being the same.
I'm a firm believer that someone can "make a mistake" one time and that the relationship can recover. Unfortunately that's not what happened here.
I want to add that all of the memories you have are no less real because of this, they may be tainted, but most of that is in your head. That's common after cheating, and especially after a divorce.
Also, this guy is not the bad guy here. He had no commitment to you, your wife did. She's the one that you should be upset with and his wife is the one that should be upset with him. Yes, he's a piece of crap but that would be irrelevant if your wife didn't sleep with him.
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 Bro this is tragic. Im sorry. I wouldnt tolerate this one bit. It needs to be a deal breaker. Trust is lost. Intimacy is in shambles n so many more things. You should not move on just bc of the kids. You can still be civil in a divorce n get along but at the same time be calm n mature about wat happened. Id be irate as f###. By tolerating n forgiving ur saying to her ur allowed to be hurt. Ur a man with genuity n passion n love. Sacred things she has destroyed permanently. 10 years? I find u too nice n understanding thru all this n need to be more of a man n not be so forgiving with a destructive situation. End it. Good luck pal.
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