A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would be grateful of your thoughts. My partner walked out last April without saying a word. In July she took the lease on a rented flat and said that she had realised she still wanted to be with me. In the same month she had sex with her ex-boyfriend and daliances with 3 other guys. Although she is now staying at my place most of the time we have not been intimate for months. I am the one having the problem. She says she wants to be with me but she has walked out before and similar things happened.I feel pretty bad inside at the thought of her with her ex and these other guys and I wondered if there is any way I can get rid of this feeling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): She us the female version of my ex boyfriend. Now he has someone new and the second he doubted her he called me. As if he could come right back to my door. When he recovered ftom his doubts with her, he admitted that he can only cease contacting me if I do not let him. She if course thinks they are fine. You are get safety net. She is messed up. You are a stable adult. She is an emotional teenager. If you needed het would she be there for you? If not, see things for what they are and release her. You cannot find someone new while she hangs around. She is up to no good and although it is difficult move on. She is a selfish and unkind person. You deserve better. Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): You have looked into finding out the problem but without success. Her statement "You didn't exactly get women running after you" sums it all up, she doesnt give a shit about what she did or how it must hurt you. You stay with her and eventually your confidence will be so low that you will believe it`s the best you can do. You wont even recognise yourself any more. DUMP HER DUMP HER DUMP HER!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 February 2012):
 The only way (as I see it) you can get "rid of that feeling" is to get rid of her. Dump her. If she wants to act single she ought to BE single, not take advantage of you and "play" single.
Just like I would say to a woman who is being taken advantage of, I will say to you, stop being her doormat.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm
Thank you for your considered reply. I value it very much and one of the most welcome as it helps me to see the wood for the trees.
I wanted also to respond, get your thoughts to a couple of areas of your reply.
You say:
"Forget ex boyfriends (you had both split so she was technically single). I am pretty sure you have slept with women when you have been single and in this day and age women can do this too."
When my partner left this time she walked out without saying anything. In other words we never spoke about ending the relationship. She has left before, for days at a time without saying anything, and returned saying she needed time away. I used to worry terribly but I have learned to control those feelings and hope she is alright.
She did not move any of things out. She found the rented flat but only stayed there a few times. She wanted a bigger place but I couldn't afford it at the time. Before she found the flat, she told me that she still wanted to be with me. She slept with her ex during this period. She also 'got off' (her words not mine) with a guy at a party some time after she came back. Even if, in her mind, when she was away, she excuses her behaviour by saying to herself that she was "single" then surely she can not say the same thing when she returned. I have been single yes. I make no statements about women not being able, in this day and age, to sleep with whoever they want but I believe our situation is different.
At the end you say:
"If you both love each other and can move on, it's not too late to have a healthy loving relationship. If you can't move on and keep dragging up whats gone before, you probably need to say goodbye and go your separate ways."
I agree that dragging things up that have gone before is not the thing to do, however, speaking about these things must be part of moving on. I believe after nearly 7 years in a relationship a full and frank discussion is important otherwise we will be moving on with lies at the basis of the relationship. My partner slept with her ex-boyfriend at the same time as contacting me to say she wanted us to be together. Is that what people do in this day and age?
I am conflicted by this in my thoughts.
I am more interested in why she has walked away a number of times (4) and why she insists on me not asking questions about why this occurs. If she said to me that she was unhappy becaue her emotional needs are not being met then I could understand. My needs are not being met by being treated this way. I do not walk out, sleep with women, return afterwards and tell her I want to be with her. Is that really ok for a man to do that even if there are difficulties to be overcome? When I asked herabout this she replied that it's difficult for her because guys find her attractive and she always gets guys persuing her. I responded by saying that I don't go off with others just because things are difficult. She replied that I didn't exactly get women running after me, which I found pretty hurtful.
As you can see I am somewhat caught up in a cycle of thoughts. I do need some clarity and I don't feel I can go forward with confidence without it.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (4 February 2012):
There will be no way you can get rid of that feeling, just like there is no way you know how long it will be until she does it again. She walks out without saying a word, so instead of trying to deal with the problem she simply goes off and sleeps with other people. I think you need to be asking yourself what is in this relationship for you?
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (4 February 2012):
 So even if she's trying to get around the idea of cheating, do you want a partner who breaks up with you regularly to go have sex with other men? You should leave her, find someone else, and NOT come back.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): I think you need some commitment from her that she loves you, want to be with you and that she will not be wondering off again. Unless you have that, there is little point in carrying on the relationship. It sounds as if, to her, you are Mr Dependable - always there as a back stop. With some reassurance from her perhaps you can move forward, but I would make it clear that if she splits with you again, it's over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): "I wondered if there is any way I can get rid of this feeling."Start charging her market rent, utilities and household expenses for living with you. That should get rid of her, and getting rid of her will get rid of "this feeling."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): sorry about this, but the moment things dont go well she walks out on you and has sex with others. you take her back and it repeats. it`s unhealthy and you would be better out of it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): She doesn't care about you, not as much as another woman will.Leave her.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 February 2012):
 You don't make it clear how many times she has walked out on you?If she is in the habit of walking out, there must be a reason why she does it. Usually with women, it is because they feel their emotional demands are not being met or that they are not having the life they wish and maybe feel their security is in jepardy.I also do not understand why she would take a lease on a flat and then decide soon after that she wanted to be with you? It doesn't quite make sense. It also seems a bit misplaced that you are worrying about who she went with when she split from you and NOT why she keeps walking out on you in the first place.Is this the relationship you want? Do you feel 100% connected to her and she you?On the face of it, you both seem very confused and misguided about what you want. The fact that you are not intimate with her smacks that you now distrust her and without trust...there can be no relationship.The main reason people stay in bad relationships where the pieces don't fit is because they fear being alone or they fear letting go of years they have invested together. You are in the middle age bracket, an age where people are usually content with what they have or walking away from what they have to experience pastures new.I think you should be focussing on facts.Do you want to be with this woman for the rest of your life and does she want to be with you?Do you love eachother unconditionally and are both able to put the past behind you?Do you believe that she will not walk out again and that you give her a reason not to?Forget ex boyfriends (you had both split so she was technically single). I am pretty sure you have slept with women when you have been single and in this day and age women can do this too.If you both love eachother and can move on, it's not too late to have a healthy loving relationship. If you can't move on and keep dragging up whats gone before, you probably need to say goodbye and go your separate ways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): Dump her. This will happen everytime she has a lapse of reason. She now knows whatever she decides to do, you are always there to fall back on. I fear she only realises she wants you, when she realises no one else wants more than sex from her. Trust my words.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (4 February 2012):
I think the best way you can get rid of that feeling is by getting rid of her. Stop being her safety net. It is not the first time she has done it and maybe it`s not her last.
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