A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married and recently me and my wife had another conversation about previous partners and experiences. I say "another" conversation because the answer this time around is much different than the first time we talked about it when we were dating. I found out she has been with 17 other men having intercourse, performed oral sex on 2 others, and had 2 one night stands, and had sex with another woman while a group of frat guys watched. These are things I didnt know about before, had she been honest with me, our lives may be different because I would probably be with someone else. Anywa, I have 2 questions, how do I get past the dishonesty and how do I look at her with respect?
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one night stand, oral sex, sex with another, sexual past Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sammiefairy +, writes (27 June 2010):
She obviously knew that her past would bother you and to be quite honest, her past was none of your business- ever. You married her for where she was going, not where she'd been. If I were her, I would leave you. I challenge you to find a girl who is an adult and hasn't had at least some previous experience in the bed room. If you can't get over it, that's your problem and you should leave her so she can go on and find someone who really loves her- all of her, even her past. Open your mind and think about something that matters.
A
female
reader, Sammiefairy +, writes (27 June 2010):
She obviously knew that her past would bother you and to be quite honest, her past was none of your business- ever. You married her for where she was going, not where she'd been. If I were her, I would leave you. I challenge you to find a girl who is an adult and hasn't had at least some previous experience in the bed room. If you can't get over it, that's your problem and you should leave her so she can go on and find someone who really loves her- all of her, even her past. Open your mind and think about something that matters.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Jees dude man up and get over it. You love her, you're married to her and the sex is great. How do you think she got so good, you think she read it in a book...Enjoy yourself and be glad you have someone who loves you and likes to play.
Next time, don't ask stupid questions especially if can't live with the answer.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 I can understand your hurt. Not only was she dishonest with you, you found out that what she was hiding was distasteful and distressing to your notions of morality. Is it time to act hurt and indignant and show her the door? Or perhaps you should keep brooding and destroy what happiness you have together? That's up to you.
Despite the negative way all this has impacted on you, I'd just like to point out a couple of positive aspects.
First, no person and no marriage is frozen in time. It seems to me that your wife is opening up to you, bringing you into her trust in a way that maybe she didn't dare do before. The fact that she didn't mention it initially is a point against her, but without the growth of her feelings and trust in you, her husband, why would she dare to bring it out to you now? Do you think it's because she doesn't care any more what she tells you? I would suggest that it's quite the contrary.
Second, I can understand that you didn't want someone with too much past experience, especially casual experience. But casual experiences, while frowned on by some people (words like 'self-respect' are often bandied about), are often waystations on the road to growing up. Not everyone does it, but I'd be willing to bet that a lot of fine people, both men and women, have been through an experimental phase in their lives. Rather than regard her as some kind of substandard, damaged goods, perhaps you could try to regard her as a person who has a sense of adventure, with a willingness to explore her own sexuality. Not to put too fine a point on it, she sounds kind of hot, and rather than disowning her sexual adventures as some kind of disgusting aberration, you should see them in a more positive light.
I don't know what else I can say. I can well understand your distress, but rather than let these new revelations keep preying on your mind and eating into your heart, I think you need to put them into perspective. A few unsuspected premarital sexual experiences are not the end of the world (unless you let them be) -- and surely the lady must have had something going for her (other than a lack of experience) for you to want to marry her! Take another look at the woman you married. Maybe she's not the paragon of purity you expected, but the revelation of flaws and unknown complexities in this woman surely should make her appear more, not less human, in your eyes. Can't you find it in your heart to forgive her?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2008): I dont know why this came up again, we were watching tv one night and she wanted to talk about it, i think maybe because one of my friends is also a new co worker to one of her exes so maybe she felt people would talk and then felt the need to just let it all out, so of course I became curious as to how much she left out from before....I know I am being judgemental but thats because I feel like any one can choose who they want to spend their life with and when you make that choice on someone's character you hope that it is the true person you fell in love with only to find out she was hiding this information. Some people it wouldnt bother and thats fine, but I am someone who didnt want to be married to a woman that had alot of partners. I have a had multiple partners too but they were all relationships, my wife on the contrary , all of her partners were not relationships and its just my opinion, but thats real trashy, unsafe, and of low moral value. And whoever told me to get over myself, didnt understand where I am coming from. When you get married you both have to agree that you love each other and you want to get married. I made my choice based on a falsehood and a false character representation, now I'm wondering how to fix it because I love who she is and she's a great wife but when it is time to be sexual with her I lose all respect and desire to be with her.Someone also mentioned that I am not a lawyer cross examining a witness, please understand that I KNOW THAT!! But when she opened up the conversation and started to tell me , I think anyone in that position would be inquisitive.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Time never healed any pain that I ever felt about this problem.
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A
male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (27 April 2008):
What she did with these other ppl has nothing to do with the person she is inside. You should have married her because you love the person she is. I know you feel hurt and betrayed because she lied to you, but time will heal the pain you feel and you will have to forgive her before you can learn to trust her again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): You're not in the wrong here, but now dealing with the emotional paint this causes will be 100% your problem anyway.You didn't want to spend your life feeling this way, so you decided to marry a woman whose past (you thought) would not cause you an undue amount of ongoing emotional pain. She knew that the truth of her past would make you feel this way. So she lied about it until you married her. That is selfish. She decided that her getting you as a husband was worth inflicting this pain on you for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 I don't have much to offer on this one, other than to suggest you read this link, as this question was really thoroughly discussed here.
You could private message Yos and Troubledtoomuch for some advice too, I don't think they would mind. Click on their names in the link below.
Good luck, and try to remember that she loves you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (24 April 2008):
 She's still the same person you married, so why should you let it bother you? She wasn't going to mention her previous experiences when you were dating, because in all probability she didn't know you that well at the time, and later on I don't expect it occurred to her that she ought to mention it.
I can understand that it's a shock to you, but consider this: she had all that experience, and still she picked you to marry. You were, and are, the special one. She made the committment to give up all others, and that committment means far more from her than from some blushing virgin who had no experience of anyone else.
Respect her choice. She chose you. Forgive her lack of of total transparency, because even if it was a deliberate omission in telling you, she did it because you were far more important to her than any of those others.
Tell her you love her; she obviously loves you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Hmmmm.....this is my opinion. Your wife lied to you! And I would not forgive her and would file for divorce. If she had told you before...then things would have been different.She tricked and conned you, so now you must make a decision
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): You won't get over this because she as allowed your feelings to progress on a lie. She as conned you into moving the relationship on. If her actions do not meet your approval you have every right to end the relationship.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, pyan +, writes (24 April 2008):
Hi
whats does it matter, if you had done that you would have been see by your mates as a champion. if she is with you and was happy to marry you look forward not back.
it will become a turn on for you in years to come. so get on with life and don't break somthing that i expect is not broken
message if you disagre
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): have you never slept with anyone else? Get over yourself buddy. If you are that judgemental then I can see why she didn't tell you.
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A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
 she did not tell u cause u would probably not have married her, how many people have u been with? we live ina society that the more men a woman has shes a whore but the more women men have, hes consideres to be a better man or more experienced, we have created that. Look at h er for the woman she is and how she treats u, she is not with any of th ose men she has chosen to be with u. goodluck
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