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My mum died, at first my GF was great, but now shes asked me not to talk, now I have no one to talk to about it!!!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2007) 11 Answers - (Newest, 10 February 2007)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

This is a strange question. My mum died and at first my girlfriend was amazing help. Then she went on holiday, whilst she was away i was having trouble dealing with the lose of my mum and i shared my feelings with her. When she returned from her holiday she said it was hard for her to hear and that it had ruined her holiday. We agreed that i wouldn't share my feeling about my mum with her. I now have no one to talk to about her and im missing my mum more because of this. Do you think my girlfriend is being fair by not letting me talk about it? i know how hard it must be for her.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2007):

It's a shame that your girlfriend has changed from being someone understanding about how the loss of your mum has affected you to being totally nasty. This situation has shown how selfish your girlfriend actually is. Get rid of her, you deserve better.

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A female reader, Patient1 United States +, writes (6 February 2007):

Patient1 agony auntFirst I would like to extend my condolences for your loss. Losing a parent and/or child has got to be one of the hardest experiences a person must go through in life. This question is very important to me as my husbands mother just passed away 1 week ago today and I want nothing more than to be there for him through this terrible dilemma no matter what it takes.

Yes, it hurts me too, we were close and I did love her, but she was/is his mother and his loss is much greater than mine. Mothers are the ones who carry you in their wombs for 9 months and nurture you and support you and care for you and mothers are the ones who love you no matter what! Stop worring about her right now and think about yourself. If you want to cry then cry, if you want to scream then scream if you want to dump your girlfriend because she's being an inconsiderate b*!ch then dump her.

Just think about it for a moment, if she cannot be 100% supportive of you during a time like this, then what do you think your life is going to be like in the future if you stay with this girl. I know it hurts to lose your mother and the last thing you want or need right now is to lose your companion, but just remember "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". It seems to me like you have a great network of friends here to help you along the way. You have enough grief in your life right now, it's not fair that your girlfriend is adding to it.

I can tell you that as much as you may want a girlfriend in your life right now, she's not the one for you. You're still young, you have plenty of time to find your soulmate, right now you need to take care of yourself first. Best wishes always!

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

cd206 agony auntI'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I bet it is excrutiatingly difficult for your girlfriend to talk about her mum and to see you upset but you need her to be there for you right now and I'm semi shocked that she's not taking her responsibilities on board. After all if her mum had been the one to die I'm sure you'd have been there for her 100%. You could try talking to her if that's what you want but it seems like right now you could do better by chatting to a counsellor if you're not already. Trust me, at first counselling is so hard and you feel silly sitting there talking about yourself but it really does help and a counsellor will be a lot more sympathetic that than your girlfriend. Although I think your girlfriend should be available to listen to you whenever you need her, perhaps if you can offload on a counsellor rather than her it'll free up your relationship so you can start to deal with the moving on.

CD

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

hi i know this may sound odd but i have been in the situation of the recieving end when my boyfriends mum died. All i want now is for my boyfriend to be happy, it is hard to talk about the subject, and when i did go on holiday, i wanted to give advice but when i was so far away its hard to help,and yes it is hard because i did feel guilty that i am having a good time but i did want to help my boyfriend.Although my situation sounds similar to yours, we didn't have an agreement that we couldn't talk about it but he decided that because i cryed every time the subject came up he felt i was not the best person to speak about his mum with. I would, and will happily speak to my boyfriend about the death of his mum, and i will be willing to help, but i am a sensitive person and i will cry, which in turn makes my boyfirend feel worse. I just want my boyfriend to be happy, i'm always here for my boyfriend but i dont think he feels this way. If my boyfriend decides to break up with me, i wil be alsoloutly devastated but if thats what he wants to do, to make him happy then eventually i will have to accept this. I will do anything to make my boyfriend happy and i try my best. The thing is, not until recentley has my boyfriend told me he wants to speak about his mother, because sometimes we do talk about his mother and share good times, i did not realise i was making it harder for him. What kind of girlfriend am i?

I'm sorry to hear this, I hope you and your girlfriend can sort things out because i'm sure she really wants to. Communication is the key to any relationship. Remember that.

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A female reader, Wendyg United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

Wendyg agony auntSorry but your girlfriend is being selfish... All she was thinking of was herself and not you when she said that.

Maybe it was a helpless moment, and she feels bad that she cant take the hurt away, so for her its easier to shut it out! But she has to understand your hurting and a big chunk of your life has changed, and she has to allow you to grieve and come to terms with it in your own way... Perhaps if you talk to her again, tell her that whilst you dont want to drag her down, you do feel that you would like to talk to her and for her to try and understand, if she really cares and loves you, she should do all she can to support you in this hour of need.

Im sorry for your loss and only time can heal this, When my Mum lost her mum I know how hard it was for her and she was alot older. Maybe pop along to the doctors and see if they can put you in touch with a bereavement counseller who may be able to support you a little better.

Do talk to your girlfriend, and try to get her to accept that you want to talk about your mum, let her see that its important, and that it will help you through and that you feel lost and really need her to understand, I know its not easy for the person that is the rock, but she has to understand that simply telling you not to talk about your mum will lead to resentment and thats a path neither of you want to go down. Maybe suggest that you spend some time talking about how your feeling and then do something for her in return talk about something she wants to talk about, its not really the way it should be done, but maybe you gotta meet in the middle, she should be being fairer with you, your going through a tough time and shes gotta to take the rough with the smooth, if it were the other way around, you would be considered heartless for saying such a thing.. and yes thats what she was being... Maybe it was just the whole holiday thing.... give her the benefit of the doubt and try and talk to her and see where you go...

I wish you all the best and hope things become easier for you hun. I'm always here if you want to talk.

Take Care

x x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

I think your girlfriend should be more understanding.

MAybe you should try to talk to her and say that you really need her right now. I lost my mum recently, an it led to a major row with my man, and i am 15, so i know kind of what you are going through. If you really feel she does not want to listen, or she can't handle listening, then maybe your coul confide in someone else whom you trust.

My deepest symapthy, and i hop it works out for you

xxxx

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

AskEve agony auntI'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your mom. Your girlfriend is very young and doesn't know how to handle the situation. Let her know you don't want her to fix anything or DO anything about it, only for her to listen to you. Your mom was the most important person in your life and it helps with the grieving process to talk about it.

I think maybe your girlfriend felt a bit guilty that she was enjoying herself on holiday well you were grieving the loss of your mom. I'm sure if you talk to her about it and let her know you only want her to be there and listen she'll understand.

Eve

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

I really feel for you, how horrible. My dad died when i was 19, the husband (yes, i was married at the age of 18) wouldn't let me talk about it. It really hurt like hell, years later i still have issues with it. Talk, talk and more talk and that is how you will get over it. You can get in touch with me at any time. I am obviously not your age as i have a son aged 33!and a grandson, but please feel free to get in touch. You need that release to be able to move on. Cry as often as you like, get it out of your system. BUT never bottle it in.

Explain to your gf that you only have one mum and now she is gone you want and have the right to talk about it. If she doesn't want to hear it then she isn't showing you any real love and understanding, sorry, but i think you need to review this situation and make certain adjustment to it. Sorry to be blunt but you need to be around someone who is clearly understanding of you right now.

Take care and i am here if you need to get things off your chest. Do take care and i do know exactly what you are going through. Be strong.

xxx

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

I think your girlfriend is a waste of space.Its a pity youre so low because she`s the real one you need out of your life.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2007):

its not easy to listen to things like that but if she loves you i would of hoped shed be there to support you in your difficult time, especially if not talking is making you feel worse.

we all need to talk sometimes, try looking into a proffessional counsellor.

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A female reader, Pretty and proud United Kingdom +, writes (6 February 2007):

Pretty and proud agony aunti am around the same age as you so if you would like to send me a private message to talk about your feelings feel free i am here for you and i know exactly how you feel hun xx

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