A
female
age
51-59,
*Marie
writes:How can I get past this, or should I even keep trying? My husband of 21 years had to fly to Texas because my father in law was dying. I had to remain home because of extra expenses of me and the kids. My husband shared a hotel room with his brother, sister, and a woman who is considered another daughter of his mom and dad (she was legally adopted by them, 20 years ago, when she was 18). So his sister, actually. We are all about the same age. She wasn't raised from childhood by them, but was a friend of his sister's who had family problems. Everyone lives in seperate states and rarely see each other. My husband always resented this woman and her relationship with his parents. His family is very dysfuntional with alot of abuse and such. She came on strong to him the night his dad died, after the others were asleep. I believe that, due to her history. He didn't resist her, and immediately stated to her, that he was "done" with our marriage and they carried on an affair for the next 8 weeks. Which consisted of secret phone calls, emails, and 2 fake business trips. My husband completly changed, turned his back on me AND his sons. He even made plans to move to her home in a different state and completly abandon us. This really stuns me, especially since I'm a stay home mother and we would of been left without a means of support. He couldn't sleep or eat during this affair, I attributed it to his fathers death. He confessed, but at that time he hid who she was, and couldn't even tell me he didn't love her, but that it was over and he wanted me. It actually wasn't really over, they were still talking on the phone. It finally ended I'd say about 8 days after his confession when I showed up at his work and found out who she was by getting on his email. Until this point our marriage was happy, and our sex life has always been very strong (5-7 times a week) even after all our years. Of course I can't be someone new. This woman is not very attractive, overweight, (I'm in great shape), and has 3 kids of her own! He cries to me that he can't explain what happened to him, that he went crazy, that he knew it was wrong, that he never even liked her. Her personality is the opposit of what my husband (claims to) like in a woman. I don't know what to do, how do I know for sure if I want to stay in our marriage? I feel that after she was revealed he cared more about protecting her reputation in his family (he told me "they're all she has!", with pain in his voice),and keeping me from lashing out at her on the phone and email out of anger, then my own intense pain. He has since given that up, but the damage has been done. That really gets me. I'm so sick of having to accept mental problems with him. I believe this happened because he is not able to deal with anything very stressful/bad (seeing his father die), and instead he makes awful decisions to make himself feel better. Many years ago he had a serious drug and alcohol problem. We have been married since we were teenagers, its all I've ever known. We have 4 sons - 20,15,5,and 4 years old. This is such a mess.
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female
reader, KMarie +, writes (24 October 2010):
KMarie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! All these replies seemmto have so much understanding of my situation. This happened 5 months ago, and our relationship is very loving, I just still have this in my mind all the time.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): Let me start by saying that you have been badly wronged, and that whatever you choose to do is right. Your husband betrayed your trust, and it is perfectly reasonable if you can't get past it.I'm struck by the similarities to an experience I had around my father's death bed. My wife wasn't able to be there, a peripheral relative was there in addition to family, and I had an emotional affair. I'm not going to suggest excuses -- for your husband or for me. But the fact is that it was an intensely charged, highly emotional time. My father dying was a tremendously big deal. Someone was there to comfort me. It was wrong, of course. But for that very charged few days it was what I needed. The horror of facing the loss stripped away my decency, and I let it happen. The affair cut through the awfulness of my loss and transported me back to my teen years when I was experiencing a new relationship in all its rawness. For a brief time I was young and raw and new and ALIVE like I hadn't been in years.I'm telling you that only in that it might help you to understand your husband's actions. Some of the circumstances were different, some better some worse. Only you can know if there are mitigating circumstances that deserve him another chance.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (23 October 2010):
 It was a mistake, he took a chance at ecstatic pleasure as a way to forget about the pain he felt when his father died. Seeing a life end is always a torment in some way, even for those who think themselves strong against it. Do not hate him for it, I am glad you sought to understand why he did it instead of leaving him completely. 21 years is a long time and you said you both had been happy, this is not something you should give up without an attempt at salvaging the remnants of joy you two once shared.
He regrets in now, right? Does he still show you affection, or at least, in your current dilemma, try? Does he still tell you that he loves you? If he does, then I think you need to at least try to forgive him.
You have been married for 21 years. Does every form of anguish outweigh the happiness you two had together? When you think about your relationship, do you feel more anger than love? If you do feel love, then you need to talk this through some more until there is nothing left to talk about. Understand him and make him understand you. He cannot force you to feel no anger towards this woman, she willingly tried to take him away from you, knowing that he was married to you, but do not find blame. Do not feed your anger. See all sides of it and then see how you feel about your marriage.
Ask him why he did not just go to you when he felt so much pain inside, why he felt he could not just find comfort with you? Why did he feel as though he needed to carry on finding ecstasy in this woman instead of his own wife?
Perhaps you can seek couple's counseling and try to work these problems out. There is little more I can say, but I urge you to fight for what you two had if he thinks what you had is worth fighting for.
I hope that helps.
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