A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for almost 12 years. For the past 6 years or so, my marriage has slowly deminished. The care for each other is not there any more. Both are not attracted to each other as well as no intimacy now for 3 years. Approximately 4 years ago a man came into my life (via work). I got to know him and his two daughters very well. He was single at the time, yet occasionally dated his ex girlfriend. During this time, we flirted and feelings had developed between us. It never went past a friendship though. We spoke all the time and it was always such a great feeling whenever we were with each other. I knew our friendship had grown into a really close relationship and we were always there for each other, but it never took the next step. A couple months later, he ended getting his "ex girlffriend" pregnant and he lied to me about it. I was very close to his mom at this point and explained how hurt I was that he lied to me about it. Him and I spoke about it as well and he was just embarrassed. We somehow lost track of eachother but he never stayed with the girl. She had the baby and we slowly diminished our friendship. 4+ years went by and both of us moved on without speaking to each other. Out of no where, he popped back into my life. He was not married but had a girlfriend and another baby with her. Through talking for long periods of time, he does not live with her and the relationship is very rocky. He has been with her on and off for 3 1/2 years and always says she was there for him when he was ging through tough times. He will never marry her and is afraid to get married period (I knew this already though). He is planning on getting a house of his own soon and claimed he is not going to go down the road of living with her again. He does not see him together with her forever, but wants to be there for his kids. I am still in my rut of a marriage. Still no intimacy and just living our every day lives (as two single people). We have two kids and have just (without saying) stayed together for their sake. Meanwhile, we are still unhappy and feelings are not there anymore. As my "friend" came back into the picture, their was an immediate connection again. Almost immediately we (and all the kids) started to hang out. all of these feelings were developing again as well as the constant reminder of me living the same life I was living 5 years ago with my husband. After a few conversations about this with my friend and another argument with my husband, I broke out of my box and told him it was over. There was really no response that defended that it was not over, so we have been living in seperate rooms ever since. This has been about 1 month. In the meantime, my relationship with my friend has excelled (at points). I have never been a person who has had to chase anyone, but he does not call everytime he says he is going to. We have not had sex yet (even though we are dying to), but we have been intimate a few times. It ios very new in the relationship, yet we started off at where most relationships know it is stable. Our conversations are so great and we just find ourselves staring at each other. We make eachother feel so great when we are with eachother, but as soon as we leave - it is a wonder of when we will see each other again. It is not that he does not call me, he does! The problem is his committment when he says he is going to call. He does not have a cell phone, works in the field and is back with his parents (to help get stable again). I have heard (even before we starte getting more physical) I will call you - and then nothing for a couple of days. If I try to call him, he does call right back, but still I want that follow through. I am used to that and with him, he does not see the importance of it. It is almost just a word to say at the end of our "meetings".When we do talk about things, it is always very intense. We talk about wanting to be with eachother but need some time to actually break away. He claims there is "nothing there" with the girlfriend anymore, yet he sees her for his babies sake. I am always very supportive of him and his children and he is of mine. We know we will be there for each other no matter what but have such a strong, passionate, effectionate, personal and "sole mate" type of connection. My dilemna is he got scared because I told my husband it is over and he is not ready to completely extinguish his relationship with his girlfriend. We both see each other together, but he is not willing to make that step yet. How do I take this and what do I do from here? We are crazy about each other and both say it was meant to be when he came back, but no it is bad timing right now. Do we hang in there or call it quits till both of us are completely done? It is just scary to know that we have such deep feelings, this is the 2nd time around and we acted on it this time. How can I get a committment from him to know it is just him and I? Why does he not follow through when he says "I will call you"? I get mixed feelings thinking I am all he thinks about, yet if that were the case why would he not call when he says. Actions to me speak louder than words, but is he just confused right now because everything did move so fast this time? We do not want whatever we have to end, but it is scary on his part to move forward... HELP!!!
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex, period Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): He's irresponsible. He goes out and gets girls to fall in love with him and have his kids. You really want someone like that? At least your husband stayed, this guy has a pattern of walking out on women repeatedly. He makes kids but doesn't support them, that doesn't exactly sound like Prince Charming to me. Try harder to talk to your husband, if that fails then seek divorce and look for a man who will treat you the way you should be treated- not some loser that skirts commitment. I can tell you as soon as you tell him you left your husband he'd say he wasn't interested.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): good grief...he still loves his girlfriend. I hope you are not basing any kind of future on a guy like this. Leaving your husband may be the right thing but I hope it's not because you actually think you can have a life with this other guy. There are so many bad indications here that I'm flabbergasted you think it's going to work.
He was scared you told your husband it was over only because he doesn't want you the way you think he does. He doesn't even want you to be able to call him and get a hold of him, much less return your phone calls! I dare you to get him a cellphone, he'll be really scared then!
I really agree with the others, go get the book "he's just not that into you".
...............................
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  + ♥, writes (19 July 2008):
 I think it's a very good thing you have finally confessed your feelings to your husband - and that you are taking steps to dissolve that relatonship. Very necessary - given the lack of feeling you have described...and also your desire for another man/ lack of interest in the marriage.
In my humble opinion I think you should focus for now on ending your marriage as amiably as possible, for the children's sake at least...get yourself set up in your new single life. Once you have done that - then look at other relationships. IF this guy truly wants to 'be with you' (and I must say I am not convinced) then there would then be no obstacle on your side...so the ball would be in his court. Call him on it - tell him that you and he can be together but that he has to make himself available - sounds simple, but I suspect he may wish to 'have his cake and eat it too'. You should not be 'with' him in anyway while he is still in his r'ship....cause why would he make any change then?
I also wonder what his girlfriend would make of his description of their relationship...my guess is she'd be surprised....and I bet he's got a whole different version for her, poor woman.
I suspect this 'thrill' in what sounds like a boring period in your life is perhaps not all you have built it up to be in your mind...I hope I am wrong and that you two live happily ever after tho!
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten  + ♥, writes (19 July 2008):
 Hi
How can you get it to being just you and him? you cant, he is attached to someone else. Like it or lump it. Why does he not follow through when he says he will call? Because he is attaced. Like it or lump it. He is attached. You are attached. Sorry, harsh but there is no point in beating about the bush as they say. If you aren't happy with your bloke, why are you still 'with' him? If your other bloke isn't happy with his girl, why is he still with her?
I will eat my hat if you 2 have any real future. You are both bored but wont come out your comfort zones, not even for each other. You're both doing some major game playing, even if you dont realise it.
Just my opinion of course.
C xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): You are a naive person if you can't distinguish words from actions. A basic commitment requires doing what you say you are going to do and he can't even commit to calling when he says he will. Declarations of feelings are easy, following through is an entirely different matter. I'm sure he was like this with his ex in order for her to have kids with him, she had to be given some hope for a future with him. I don't want to get you defensive but think about it without rationalizing it. She was given hope to through his "words" or she wouldn't be hanging on like she is.
He also has no intention of getting married, period. So all these deep expressions don't mean much long term. They are empty promises that won't materialize into anything you can hang your hat on. That's what it means when someone doesn't want to marry. Of course you are insecure when it comes to commitment, there is none and there won't be. Your intuition is right.
The off and on thing he has with the ex usually means that at some point in the future, it will be on again. Your relationship will be off and on as well.
He doesn't have a cell phone for a reason and it's not financial. You are basing everything on potential and not on reality. He ISN'T stable, he ISN't committing. He IS still sleeping with his girlfriend though and probably will continue to do so. What step do you want this guy to realistically take? He has no intention to marry so he has no need to change his life from the way it is. You'll leave your husband and be in the same position you are now, insecure about commitment and slowly figuring out that he's still with the girlfriend and spreading limited time between the two of you and then you'll be miserable because it's not going anywhere. There is no "next step", this is as far as it's going to get when it comes to his level of commitment to you, if you can call it that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe reasons for the answer of what makes him think he wants to be with me? The conversations we do have are very deep, effectionate as well as caring. He does tell me he has wanted us to be together ever since the last time we went seperate ways and now that we are back together, it is a sign that he thinks we should pursue. He completeley physically and mentally expresses himself when we are together. He is the one who has tried to have sex and I have been the one holding back due to the emotions and committment involved. I am not a naive person, I am just very insecure when it comes to the committment with him. Everytime I do tell him that he needs to get his side in order without having me in his life, he agrees yet explains he does not want to lose me and will not do this without me around.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This relationship is so one sided it's scary. This guy is not dying to have sex with you like you are with him and he doesn't even want an affair with you. He doesn't even call you when he says he will. You're his friend and that's it really. I'm sure at one point when he doesn't have much going on he'll have sex with you but it doesn't mean anything more than that. You aren't thinking very clearly or rationally about this guy. Actions are the only thing you should be looking at and they are lacking in every way. for God's sake he's not confused, not after all the years you've known him! It's not scary for him, he just doesn't want to be with you. What the hell has this guy done to even make you think he's crazy about you?!
...............................
|
