A
male
age
30-35,
BFG
writes:Ok need advice.I have been married for 10 years have two kids aged 7 and 4. When i met my wife she was a size 16, over the years she has put more weight on and she is now a size 30. She does not work I have more to do with the kids than her, I hold down a full time job and still end up having to do the washing and hoovering etc. I have put up with all this thinking one day things would get better. In 2005 i went on prozac because i was really down. I am a sexual active person but my wife isn't we made love once in 2006 and 2007 and it was hard becasue of the size of her, I thought because of this and our children she would try to do something about it, but she went the other way. We talk but I am in the position that every time i see her now that i resent her. In nov 2007 I met someone, had a fling so to speak and realised the grass was greener on the other side. I told my wife in Nov 2007 that if she wasn't going to change and go down the road of self destruction that i wasn't prepare to follow and I would leave. It is now march and I am sat writing this at my mothers. I love my kids so very much, but although i know I love my wife, i cannot see a future there anymore. I needed to leave before I found myself having another fling, because that is not right. I need to be happy and I cannot carry on.... your thoughts would be apperciated Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Smiles  + ♥, writes (2 July 2008):
 I am so sorry that this is happening to you; she is really turning very spitefull and nasty. This is anger and bitterness from her side and yes, you must see a solicitor as soon as possible. Do not allow her to poison your little girls mind with thoughts such as "you are to busy at work"; that little kiddo needs to know, now more then ever, that you are always available for her; speak to the lawyer and get this matter attended to a.s.a.p.
If your wife feels the little girl is getting upset to much; suggest you both take her to a counsellor to work through this with her; they have wonderfull ways of dealing with the little ones and are trained to in a very special way deal with them and there FEARS; as in most cases, that is the biggest problem with the little ones; they fear that they will loose you completely;
Be strong.
A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (2 July 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I am going to see a solicitor this afternoon to get my facts straight. I know she is hurting but, but I think she is hurting the kids more by doing this.
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A
female
reader, ariel + ♥, writes (1 July 2008):
 She knows exactly where to hurt you.I agree with Eyes,time to get legal advise.You are a good father and she can't take that away from you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 July 2008):
 Definitely time for the lawyer.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (1 July 2008):
 NO! SHE CANNOT DO THIS!!!! You are to talk to your attorney and tell him/her what she has told you--do you not have a settlement agreement signed giving you legal visitation on set weekends/holidays yet? This is something you must do in order to have a court order if she does something like this to you after you sign the agreement.
The judge will make her give you the kids on the basis of the agreement. Do not let her get away with this~
Gena
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (1 July 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been seperated from my wife for 4 months now. I have still been playing an active part in my childrens life, e.g bayby sitting, watch them at their swimming lessons and having them stay with me at weekends, I call them in the morning before school and at a evening before bed. My wife called me on Monday and told me not to call or to visit them, My eldest girl who is 7 is upset because I am not coming back, so my wife says that she needs some healing time and that could be anything up to 3 weeks or more. I think this is B*****ks and although my little girl may be upset at times , my wife can only be hurting them both more by not letting there father see them. My wife said that if they ask why I have not called she will tell them i am to busy with work. I am heart broken because I am very close to my 2 childern, CAN SHE DO THIS? I would like to know your thoughts please
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): It's a bit late for your marriage, now that you've met somebody else, but you'll see that it _is_ possible to rekindle the love and attraction if you really want to.
Do try googling "Emotional needs"-- this will probably take you to the marriagebuilders site. Oh heck, here's the link:http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
And, here's another site for your wife:http://flylady.net/pages/body_clutter_main_1.asphttp://flylady.net/pages/begin_babysteps.asp
I've done Flylady's system for about 5 years now and have completely turned around my life-- she teaches how to declutter their homes, bodies, and minds so they can run a household with ease and have time to take care of their own needs and feel good about themselves. It's a community of (mainly) women, all struggling with all sorts of issues including weight and supporting each other.
At this point, you're probably all fogged up with your love for the new woman, so the fact that your wife has gone through this drastic operation to (partially) please you, won't register. To you, it's "too little, too late", and your wife would be a saint if she didn't resent you for not appreciating for what she's gone through for your sake.
But if you are willing to give up your new romance for the sake of your family, and to really work with your wife on meeting needs (sounds like your unmet needs are for domestic support, sex, and affection, while hers may be for admiration?) -- you and your wife might well be able to bring the love back. It appears that you and your wife do want the same thing. Of course it won't be easy-- it took you both years to get into this situation, and it will take some time to climb out of it. The first tiny steps will be the hardest things you've ever done, but it will become easier with time, until one day there will be a "click" and then you'll both find it a joy to begin pleasing each other again.
It sounds like your wife has made the huge hard first step by doing the gastric bypass (sure, you can blame her for taking the "easy" way out, but when she was so weighed down by her body it may have been the only thing she was truly capable of doing). If you truly cared to save your family, it's your turn to take a step-- by sacrificing your budding relationship with the other woman.
Best of luck and DO check out those sites. Their systems are completely free and have helped me and my family a lot.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (24 June 2008):
Dear,
You need to not do the drug thing...you'll only feel sluggish and not your real self. I never took one pill during my leave of my ex...didn't have lil' ones to leave behind; however, I have a 21 year old that still comes around~I kept her informed of everything throughout my marriage to her father and she's become strong because of it. Be open and honest with your children at all times; it's the only way to be. As 'Smiley' stated, love them and enjoy your time with them. Find love for yourself and throw the guilt out the window! You cannot make people change-just go on with your life and let her deal with her own adult life on her own. You don't need that burden nor do you deserve it.
Like I said for myself, "IT'S ME TIME!" Gena
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A
female
reader, Smiles + ♥, writes (24 June 2008):
My heart goes out to you; I have deep empathy with how you feel and what you are going through;
However; you have not failed your children;
you did your best and you are still doing your best; but you cannot allow yourself to be destroyed; miserable and unhappy; because that will develop other frustrations that will manifest in various form and then you might not be able to make your kids happy at all;
for example: often the frustration of bottled up emotions,bitternes, anger can causes illness such as uclers or even cancer;
Only when you are happy can you make those around you happy; and yeah, you will need time to adjust being without them all the time; but when you are with them, you will be able to give them quality time; with lots of love and happines; they need that far more then a dad at home that is unhappy, feeling miserable; and believe me, you cannot hide those things from children; they are wonderful little detectives; they sense our emotions better then we do ourselves;
Take it easy; give yourself time to heal; enjoy the time with your kids; give them lots of love and allow yourself to have love in your life too; you deserve to be loved and be happy;
Be strong! A big smile from me!
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (24 June 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the feeling of guilt of being happy and my kids not having a dad around full time has got me down so much I ended up going back to the doc's. I talked it through with the doc and decided to go back on fluxoetine for a while and see how it goes. The kids were always closer to me than my wife. Although I do see them about 4 times a week I do miss giving them a kiss everynight when I tuck them up in bed. I do feel that I have failed them, but I did try... If only she would have changed :-(
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A
female
reader, Smiles + ♥, writes (20 June 2008):
Athletes enter a marathon, all with the hope to finish the race; however, some due to injuries and various reasons cannot finish the race;not all makes it to the finish line; that does not mean they cannot participate in future races;however, to try and be foolish and try to complete a race, whilst badly injured, might cause so much damage that the athlete can never participate again; therefor they sometimes have to stop during the race.
Very much the same with marriages; some are very fortunate and live happily ever after; others are less fortunate, and end in divorce; that does not mean they cannot start a new life with somebody else and be happy; however to hold on to a marriage for the wrong reason is like running whislt badly injured, long term, you are making it worse for yourself and the children.
Children, specially when they are still young adapt easier then what we give them credit for; it takes a little while for them to get use to the changes but they are most of the times easier to accept the changes then teenagers.
try not to have a confusing situation where the little ones are concerned; that creates hope and that creates problems; they should know; daddy is home or daddy is not coming home; simple and basic; they need to know you still love them lots, always will be there for them;
always will love them;
You are entitled to happiness; only if you are happy within yourself can you really make those around you happy.
Hope this is of some assistance.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (20 June 2008):
Going back for the sake of the children isn't the right answer...you stayed for the sake of the children to begin with, remember? Keep on the same trek you're making now and start a new life. It's been too long and you need to clear your conscience of everything and make good of the children by biding your time with them and holding that bond. As your daughter grows up, she'll come to understand.
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (19 June 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys and Girls, Just a quick update because I am confused about my feelings and need your help. It has been 4 months since My wife and I seperated and in this time I did come to meet a very special person who has told me that she loves me and thinks I am wonderful. My wife would still like me to come back and try again, my daughter who is 7 now gets sad and crys when I drop her off home after we have had our time together and my little son is fine. I look at my wife sometimes and wonder if it is worth going back for the kids..... On one hand I am happy again with this lady I have met but on the other hand I feel guilty for being so because my daughter is sad some times.
Do I go back because of my childern ?
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (29 May 2008):
When I was married, it was harder to be with someone who I knew had cheated on me time and time again...when he was over me in bed and staring into my eyes, all I could see was him looking and me and thinking about the other women he'd been with...and me thinking about and 'seeing' in his eyes the other women glaring back at me!That is why I left him eventually....I had forgiven, but could not forget. I also could not see us growing old together anymore and with that, the love was lost. Gena
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 April 2008):
 Yes, I have thought that way - and am now divorced. Sometimes in life there's no right answer, unfortunately - all the options are flawed. We're programmed to think that if we just do the right thing, find the right key, then everything will be fine. I think that is possible, but only in the sense that you can work on your attitude to accept anything and make it ok. When you look at the options facing someone who has lost connection with their partner and will probably never get it back, they are:
1) stay with partner and submit to a half-life of no sex, no romantic love, no joy of union with another ... just existence, probably plus a whole lot of arguing, etc, because your life seems so hopeless (this is the point at which some people have affairs, I guess - which leads to yet more trouble!)
2) get divorced - break up the family, upset the children (an understatement), but have the chance of love in the future and building a new and more hopeful life with someone else. The kids, though, will be changed forever by the divorce. However, they will learn to live with it, and if you get a new partner who they like (v important!) they will adapt to a new emotional map and be ok. There will always be the sadness there, though, for all of you, of the divorce, I'm afraid. Gets much less with time, though, and as the kids get older.
Not trying to depress you - just trying to look at things clearly. It's tempting to just do nothing for the time being, and maybe that's what you should do. I think ultimately probably divorce is the way to go, if only as it's the more practical, viable, realistic option - you can't live a life without love - that is not what marriage is about - that's not what you promised in your vows. Hope is the most important thing to have in your life, and with hope, everything else becomes easier to deal with - you see things more clearly, and have a better sense of what you want and need to do.
Good luck. And don't reproach yourself. You're doing your very best to find a way through. But we all deserve a decent hope of a life. You too.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (20 April 2008):
Yes, I have thought that way - and am now divorced. Sometimes in life there's no right answer, unfortunately - all the options are flawed. We're programmed to think that if we just do the right thing, find the right key, then everything will be fine. I think that is possible, but only in the sense that you can work on your attitude to accept anything and make it ok. When you look at the options facing someone who has lost connection with their partner and will probably never get it back, they are:
1) stay with partner and submit to a half-life of no sex, no romantic love, no joy of union with another ... just existence, probably plus a whole lot of arguing, etc, because your life seems so hopeless (this is the point at which some people have affairs, I guess - which leads to yet more trouble!)
2) get divorced - break up the family, upset the children (an understatement), but have the chance of love in the future and building a new and more hopeful life with someone else. The kids, though, will be changed forever by the divorce. However, they will learn to live with it, and if you get a new partner who they like (v important!) they will adapt to a new emotional map and be ok. There will always be the sadness there, though, for all of you, of the divorce, I'm afraid. Gets much less with time, though, and as the kids get older.
Not trying to depress you - just trying to look at things clearly. It's tempting to just do nothing for the time being, and maybe that's what you should do. I think ultimately probably divorce is the way to go, if only as it's the more practical, viable, realistic option - you can't live a life without love - that is not what marriage is about - that's not what you promised in your vows. Hope is the most important thing to have in your life, and with hope, everything else becomes easier to deal with - you see things more clearly, and have a better sense of what you want and need to do.
Good luck. And don't reproach yourself. You're doing your very best to find a way through. But we all deserve a decent hope of a life. You too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): It takes time to heal and forgive what happened in the past.
I'm there now, not sure what the future will hold, but I'm being patient.
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (19 April 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Guys, i am back again. I have still not moved back in and still soul searching as to if I should. The question I need answering is when I look in to my wifes eyes I can never see us being lovers again. Has anyone else thought this way about their partner?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): It is heart breaking to hear your daughter ask you to come home, eventually, you may need to.
I will assume a few things and make a suggestion based on those assumptions. If I recall, you never really stated the reasons. It seems you taken advantage of (?) and that she has held up in her own world, distancing you and others. Not sure if this was caused by weight, but let me throw something out and you decide if this is possible.
I can see your hestitent to move back, and I'm sure the reasons is because you may feel hurt by what may have been done to her. If so, when she gets better from the hospital, write her letter. tell her honestly that you would like to go back but (fill in the blanks for why you can't, such as feelings and how treated), if this is the case. You need to get to the bottom of the why's, learn the how's and then stand up for your feelings and needs. Don't blame her, suggest she may not have know this about you, that you had hidden it, not thinking it was important, but now you do.
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (4 April 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI took my wife into the hospital on Tuesday she had her operation at 4pm that day and I went home at 9 pm that evening. We spoke to one another while we waited and there was a lot of bitterness on both sides. I dont agree with the operation never have. The operation went well and she came out of hospital on Thursday, she looked so ill.
I have not gone back home, her mum is looking after her and my childern are currently stopping with me. She still wants us to make a go of things, but the more i stay away the more it feels like I have made the correct decision. The only time i question it is when my daughter crys sometimes and askes me to go back home.... life goes on ...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): Did you wife have the op?You know sir I think you are one of the lucky one's if thats possible, you know why you had the affair, you know its wrong and don't want to do it again as you say you love your wife which I belive you do.You both got stuck in a rut, but now you both want to do something to change it. Although both have you have made big changes you moving out and her agreeing to the op and asking you to come back.I hope you did move back as I agree with Gina imagine if you were going in for big surgery and you though your hubby didn't love you enough? its at this time and I know you have stood by her for yrs but she needs you now more than ever and your kids need you to I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip just stating facts. I really hope it works out for you both and your hurt and pain can be healed to make you both stronger together or apart.But again I think you both still love each other and its taken this big shake up to hopfully pull you together, please update us on your wife and my best wishes go to you all.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 March 2008):
I don't know why, but it sounds like the end of the road for you with her. She isn't bothered when she sees you; she doesn't want to touch you; there's no mutual attraction or support or anything. And over the years it sounds like you have given her a huge amount, and she's just taken it, and not done anything with it.
I know everyone feels for her because of her size, but I feel for you. Sure, she can have this op, and she can try to repair the damage done to her body, and get back on track. She has to, or, to put it bluntly, she'll die. You can't do any of that for her. You've tried and tried, and it hasn't made her do anything at all. I'm afraid that's how it is with weight and our relationship with our bodies - it can only come from ourselves.
I think a break from you would also do her good - she won't be able to lean on you and take you for granted. She'll have to motivate herself. And she won't have men running round her at 23 stone. She'll suddenly be living a different dynamic, and start to see herself in a different light, and this could be the catalyst that's needed to make her change and do something for herself.
My advice would be to say you want to continue with the separation indefinitely. You want access to the kids. You will continue to support them and her. But you will set up your own life. You will review it after, say, 6 months, but at the moment you feel going your separate ways is the only answer. And then see how things are after 6 months. I think you will find someone else, someone who gives you back more. It sounds to me as if you deserve that.
You can still be father to your kids, and support her (as your possibly ex-wife at some point), and have a better life yourself. I am not usually so harsh on one party, but I just feel as if you deserve more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2008): The surgery "might" be beneficial to her in the long term, but as yourself, you both have issues that will take time to work through and heal.
It may not be a good idea for you to move back in with her, if one or both of you feel like your walking on eggs. But if you both agree to take it slow, not to press each others buttons, then going back would be the best. If you can't agree to remaining alm, then staying at your mom's might be best. It is something you and her should discuss.
When one is hurting, their feelings may cause them to lash out at the partner, if your both hurt, then any arguments will lead to destorying the relationship once and for all, so you both must be aware and understand this, and move slowly. All the feelings felt, and the pain they cause, takes time to go away. Ounce your both in a routine of a loving couple, these painful feelings go away.
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (28 March 2008):
Okay, now. She's going through with this and its not only for her benefit, but yours and the marriage as well. YOU need to give it this last push or you'll be just giving her another reason to 'give up' and shut things down.
You got her this far, now, go the extra mile and a half and get through this together. I think she'll go through with it just fine. Either way, you need to be there for the kids.
If you move back in and she backs out of the surgery, THEN go back to mom/dads. YOu have the right at that point.
YOU DO realize, there are times when this surgery can go awry and she could die on the table...??? You need to be there for the kids, in case of the worse scenerio and THAT is the WORST CASE--worse than what you'll deal with if you don't move back in to find out how it's going to go. Right?
Gena
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A
female
reader, Annalisa + ♥, writes (28 March 2008):
 Yes, you are being selfish, but that's natural in this situation. We all need to be happy and feel loved.
Be patient, give it time, give yourself time.
It might do you good to enjoy life without having to worry about relationships and whether or not you're getting layed, for a while!
Find something relaxing and fun to do, a hobby like painting or fishing and get together with the lads.
Let your mind cool down and be happy again within yourself.
Who knows where we'll all be in 12 months time!
You might fall in love with her again or she might run off with her gym instructor! Whatever you do, your kids are still going to be a bond between you, neither of you can disappear. Good luck!
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male
reader, BFG +, writes (28 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk , well it has been 3 week at my mothers now. I have not got any further with my wife. My kids sometimes cry down the phone at me, although when we are together the quality time we have is great. My wife goes in for her op on 1st April.... very quick I know they had a cancellation or something. My wife says she wants closure to if I am to come back or not. This is becasue she sees the 1st as a new start to her life. I suppose I know where she is coming from, but all I can see is another 6 months at least running around fro her and the childern and will she feel better at the end of it ?
I honestly don't think I can go back I cannot explain the feelings I have in side. I care a bout her and the children deeply. I am fed up of giving and getting nothing back from her in return. She say that will all change when she loses the weight in about 12 mths time. I really cannot see a future !!! am I being selfish?
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A
female
reader, Annalisa + ♥, writes (17 March 2008):
You've both been through a lot, so I would not expect things between you to get back to normal just like that.
I'm glad to hear the kids are doing well!
You're always in my prayers,
all the best!
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (17 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe guys I when I dropped the childern back home last night I spoke to my wife. We exchanged a few words calmly i might add. She reckons that after a week apart the if I dont know by now if I want to go back then I never will. She then added that she is this operation is going to turn her life around and she is going to be happy and do the things hasn't been able to do in the past and its is basicly up to me if I want to be apart of that. I explain what i thought was missing from our relasionship and she said that may come back with time after she has lost the weight. I was stood there in the kitchen looking her in the eye and I was hoping that I would have the urge to through my arms around her and give her a big hug and tell her that every thing is going to be ok.... but it wasn't happening. nor has she made any move to do the same to me..... I am still as confused as ever lol xx but on a brighter note the childern have settled down a little to what is going on.. I would just like to thank you all for taking the time to right responses to my issues... I know I go on but I really am feeling lost at the minute... thank you all again
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A
female
reader, ariel + ♥, writes (16 March 2008):
Maybe she does not believe you will carry through the threat of ending the marriage. Maybe she thinks it’s only a matter of time and you will be back. The saying “You can take a horse to water but can’t make it drink “comes to mind. We can’t tell you what is best for you or your wife; all we can do is give you our opinions based on what you have told us…the rest is up to you. All I can say is be honest with yourself and your wife and remember you have kids together and they are your main concern.
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (15 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot sure if I have done anything. I suppose I am guilty of carrying her through our marriage.I know I have a fling last year and got the warmth and love from another, but equally knew that it was wrong and ended things. At that point in Nov 2007 I spoke to my wife and explained things had to change she agreed, ( i didn't tell her about the fling) but here I am in March and nothing changed. I know the grass is greener on the other side , but I wanted so much for my wife to change back to the person I married at the start. I am angery with her for not trying.... and here I am sat with nothing while she and the kids are in home. I spoke to my wife yesterday and while she wants me to go back, she also agrees with me that we are happier being apart ....
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A
female
reader, ariel + ♥, writes (14 March 2008):
I do understand what you are going through. I use to be a size 22, I don’t know how many stones I was ,I never climbed on a scale …perhaps I was in denial, I was also a couch potato who sat with a bag of chips and what ever was easily accessible .I also stayed at home while my poor husband took the kids to the park. It took him having an affair for me to realise how destructive my comfort eating was. So I can see both sides of your scale.
I agree with the anonymous reader below, what is really going on behind the obvious?
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A
female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG~
You are apart and now you feel some relief. If she has the gastric bypass surgery, there is a chance she may not pull through due to her obesity and the risk of anesthesia. I had a friend die who was as large as she right afterwards. And I've had a couple of friends do fine with it and lose the weight. One is looking absolutely wonderful, lost over 125 pounds in a few months! IT just depends.
If she has the surgery, move back in with the kids. They'll need you. When she comes home, support her until she shows signs of improvement. That's all you can do. If she still gains weight after all of that, let her go. Get out and start a new life. IT isn't you; you've then done all you can. You can't make someone change if they don't want to.
Best of luck, Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): I think it is time to go back to her and stand up to the plate and take charge.
I'm getting the impression that the problem maybe yourself, that you may need a reality check or something. Her responses tells me your in the dog house, and she wants you to figure it out.
So the big question is "what have you done?"
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont want to upset the childern any more than I have to.. I have to admit that I am finding all this rather to deal with. It took a lot for me to leave is wasn't just on a whim. Maybe i should give it a little time and if she doesn't want me back then that sort of answers a few questions for me ???? what do you think?
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH + ♥, writes (14 March 2008):
 Sounds to me like she is trying to call your bluff. Only you can decide what action to take over this problem. Personally I would tell her that I was only going to come back, if she totally understands how much you wish things to change. If she is not willing to meet you halfway, then I cant see any point in going back. And anyway it would upset your children all over again.
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A
male
reader, BFG +, writes (14 March 2008):
BFG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust spoken to my wife, she seems to becoming to terms with me being at my mothers. So what do I do. She has told me that I either make a decision and come home and not be angery with her, or just to stay away. see the fact that see has said that winds me up..... i dont know anymore... confused more than ever
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (14 March 2008):
 I don't know what's going on in your wife's head either but it sounds like she's not yet ready to take on this problem. I don't know enough about the surgery but apparently it is supposed to be successful for weight loss, but you are right, it does nothing to change her thought process long-term although it should have some immediate benefits. It's a serious surgery and ultimately, she is going to have to be the one to decide.
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