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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for a year but been having affair with married man for 4 years, the married man now wants more and I don't no what to do as I have feelings for him and don't feel I can live without him, but I love my husband and have so much to loose. How do I deal with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2007): The way I see it, you are in a bind. You say you love your husband. Obviously it is a different kind of love than the love you get from your lover. You should really determine what is most important to you. Is it the love you have with the man you married or is it the love you make with the lover? I think you married the man for a reason, but what the reason is, only you know. In a way, since you were already sleeping with the married man, I have a hunch that you did it to even the score. He (your lover) was used to you being more available to him & is missing that now that you are married too. Perhaps that was partially the reason you married??? I dont doubt that you have deep feelings for either man, but you really have got to make a choice. You will feel torn apart until you do. You need to find the love you have in your heart and direct it where it truly wants to go. If the pressure your lover is putting on you is too great, you should tell him so. He is being selfish to you now by expecting more from you than even he is willing to give. Love yourself first, then you will find the love your heart needs.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2006): Although it is not fair for your husband , but you need love in your life . If your lover is giving you what your husband is not , so why not continue living your love secretly .All women should do that if they find true love even if they are married and can't divorce their husbands for any reason .The best solution is not to tell anybody about the other man since you are both married . I advice you to stay with your husband and keep cheating on him cleverly without his knowledge because you can't be more happy by leaving him and going to your lover . Maybe he will not leave his wife for you or can you make sure he will not cheat again on you if you become his wife . Can you trust each other then , I don't think so . Try to be happy with both men but without changing anything and when you feel that you are risking your marriage or will be caught cheating please try to end your secret affair or lessen your meetings with your lover and detach yourself a little until things be normal again and all the luck .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): Ok- every other woman here is admonishing you and telling you what a bad person you are- but here it is- the answer you have been looking for... men cheat on women all the time- sometimes so much so that it is accepted and expected....realistically, you cannot keep up this behavior forever because the poor husband is going to find out- and yes, it will be heart-breaking. But think of this- for thousands of years, men have been having their infidelities while keeping the little women at home- in your case, it is backwards. OK- so if you are comfortable being the bad guy and living with this secret- just hide it a little bit better- or kick out the man you are having an affair with ( because honestly, he will end up doing to you what you are doing to YOUR husband in the long run) But all in all, you need to accept the fact that you just may not be a monogamous person- so if that is hard to swallow, maybe you should force yourself to end this drama and save your soul :-) GOOD Luck- and hide your evidence...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2006): im sorry but i think your being very unfair to you husband and i really dont believe you love him or care about him or his feelings. people like you can destory happy relationships and i have no respect for you at all. however i think you need to follow your heart, choose ONE of them and tell the other straight away before you end up with nothing.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 April 2006):
 You say to love your husband I say you don't and never did if you married him while you were "doing" this other married guy. I think maybe you should look the the word MARRIAGE up in a dictionary, you'll be totally shocked to learn what the word truly means. I hope your husband finds out and leaves you and the other guys wife finds out and kicks some ass.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006): I'd go with the lover! You have a lot more time invested with him. But be careful, I hear he cheats!
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male
reader, Gryphon +, writes (26 April 2006):
 I came in here with a long reply to write but Country Woman managed to hit every one of my points and then some, and I must say I agree with her entirely.
You need to answer this question as honestly as you can, because a decision this loaded can't be made by others. Only you know the circumstances, and only you know what your heart is telling you - but for pity sake don't lead your husband along any longer if you plan on keeping the fling going... The only thing I absolutely feel you must do here is pick one of the men in your life and move on. Just remember that if your lover is willing to leave his wife to be with you then he is statistically more likely to leave you down the road for some other sweet thing that might catch his eye.
You have a very tough decision to make and I wish you the best in making it.
~Jake~
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (26 April 2006):
 I'm sorry to say but why on earth did you get married if you weren't going to enter into the marriage and be fully committed?
A marriage is supposed to be based on trust isn't it. A year in and you are still continuing an affair that was started 3 years before you got married.
I can only say that I feel extremely sorry for your husband as he is obviously living with someone who is leading a double life and although you are asking for guidance I think that you have to truly ask yourself the one question you seem to have continued to avoid.
Who do you love here? Your lover or your husband?
I know that may sound like an easy thing to say but I know we can love 2 people at once but feelings you have for a partner that you make a committment to is based completely differently to someone you have secret meetings with as it is based upon excitement and lust.
I am not saying that affairs are all down to being a lousy person as the reason that affairs happen in the first place is normally because there is something wrong in your relationship first of all. I think you do need to get both yourself and your husband along to some sort of counselling i.e. Relate and truly understand his feelings as well. Even if you think your husband is not aware of your affair, he may know that something is not right between you both.
It really does come down to whether you want your marriage to work and if that is the case then you will eventually have to sever the ties with your lover.
If you don't want to lose your lover then you need to know exactly where you stand with him, i.e. would he be there for you if you do leave your husband for him.
Please get some professional help in the form of counselling as soon as possible and explain to your husband that you are not happy and you feel that you need to resolve things with someone who is not emotionally involved in your relationship.
Counselling is extremely good at allowing you to express yourselves fully to one another and whilst we think we talk openly it is not until you sit in front of a counsellor that things definitely start to fall into place. It is also makes you stronger as a person and able to cope with a lot of things tht are thrown at us in life so it is also a positive thing as well.
I wish you well and I am sure things will work out OK in the end, it must be hard to live like this as well as you also use a lot of energy in having to make sure things are not found out. You will feel a huge sense of relief once you make a true choice.
BFN
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (25 April 2006):
 How can you possibly love your husband if you have been cheating for over 4 years? That can't be the case, I am not judging you, but it sounds to me that you have your cake with icing and you are eating it to. You want no thrills sex with your lover, but you like the fact you are married ot a good man. How can you treat your husband like this? Your husband does not deserve to be treated like his, likewise, the married man's wife does not deserve to be treated like this. Either you end the relationship with your lover and be with your husband or you end it with your husband and be with your lover, but either way, you will have problems. Your husband needs a faithful wife and perhaps you should end the relationship with your married lover, unfaithfulness is not attractive, it breeds hatred, lies and emotional pain. End it now. xXx
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female
reader, esmerelda +, writes (25 April 2006):
Why are you having an affair? If it's because you do not feel romantically or sexually satisfied by your husband, why did you marry him only a year ago? To be honest, though you may love your husband, it sounds like you don't care for him very much. If you two become a couple, you'd be devastating your husband, your lover's wife and both your families, unless the affair hasn't done so already. I reckon you are both caught up in the excitement and should recognise that rather than risk what you both 'have to lose'.
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male
reader, zhyid +, writes (25 April 2006):
Well, then why did you marry, since you were already having an affair, i think this is a lose lose situation, since you say you have feelings for the two of them, i think you will have to sacrifice 1, but that doesnt garantee the other one will stay with you. It's not fair for your husband. You'll have to tell your husband you're having an affair, or tell your lover bye bye, I know it sounds harsh, but thats the way life is =(.
Good Luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2006): If you love your husband so much, why are you sleeping with this guy?
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